Chapter 49
He Doesn't Know That I'm Yours
Knock. Knock.
I didn’t bother asking who it was. There was no one I wanted to see in that moment, so no answer would have been welcomed.
“What?” I groaned as I swung open the door, already dreading the conversation before it started.
Zade recoiled, but Astrid just clucked her tongue and walked straight into the room, plopping onto my bed with a hint of her old swagger.
“So, how much do you hate us for forcing you to stay at your estranged father’s house?” Astrid crossed one leg over the other, but there was a stiffness that said she still wasn’t herself. She was in pain.
I moved to sit in a gray armchair in the corner of the room with an exaggerated sigh.
Zade invited himself in and shut the door, only to lean against it.
“I don’t hate you guys. But, Astrid,” I looked at her in a way that made her wince. “Are you okay? I mean, did they, like, do a lobotomy on you? Because…Adriel? Really?”
Astrid’s features relaxed, and she shrugged.
“You know me,” she said with a flick of her golden hair. “Anything to get those views.”
I blinked, and then we both burst into laughter.
Zade shook his head, brows knitted, arms crossed. “You two are the weirdest friends still, huh?”
That only made us laugh harder.
“Really,” I finally said through the giggles. “I don’t care about Rui Xi. I don’t trust him, though. After what he did to Lillemore, I have no doubt he’d sell us out in a heartbeat if you all insist on trusting him and sticking around. You’re all stupid for coming here.”
“We didn’t exactly have a choice,” Zade muttered. “You were pretty much dead, and Soren was useless after—”
Astrid’s glare cut him off.
“After what?” I uncrossed my legs and leaned forward, narrowing my eyes. “What the hell is going on with him?”
“You,” Astrid said, smacking her lips.
“What does that mean?”
Zade grimaced. “Look, he saved your life and apparently almost lost his own in the process. All that matters is that you’re alive.”
“And that he totally nearly died making sure you didn’t!” Astrid squealed. “Girl, you have to spill on all the deets with him! Did you finally lose your V-card?”
A strange sound jumbled from my mouth as I shook my head. Then Zade growled and muttered under his breath.
We all fell into more easy banter as we caught each other up on what had happened since I’d vanished from The Tower.
Astrid shocked me by informing me that her family had apparently had ties to The Way for years.
Her parents had wanted to help her find me, but she freaked out about their connection to the infamous cult when she found out and made the asinine decision of trusting in Dagon of all people.
Zade had been using his time to climb the ladder as quickly as possible to learn where I was and what was going on.
It was after I’d clued them in on the whirlwind that had been my life at Chapel when we all grew quiet.
“Astrid,” Zade broke the ensuing silence first, “Didn’t you say you wanted to help Salah with that thing?”
Astrid looked from Zade to me, then back at Zade.
“Oh, yeah.” She stood with a strange smile. “You two should probably catch up. I mean, figure out a way to settle that parking debt and everything.”
“Ha, ha,” Zade said dryly.
“I’ll come check on you again later,” Astrid said before slipping out through the door, and the air stilled in her absence.
When I looked back at Zade, his eyes were on me in a way I’d seen before.
That night he was referring to in his drunken messages, he had looked at me a bit like this.
I’d known right away what he’d been talking about.
I’d tried very hard to forget that ‘massage’ because I knew it meant something entirely different to him.
It had always been different for him than it had for me.
I’d been drunk and reeling over another birthday without a single family member caring enough to call.
He’d been drunk for the sole purpose of liquid courage.
I stood now and tried to make myself somewhat tall, which was not easy in his presence. At least I felt taller than I did around Soren.
“I’m—”
“No,” he interrupted. “Just let me talk for once.”
I swallowed and nodded.
He was still someone I cared about. And after weeks without him and believing I’d never see him again, a part of me ached to bridge the gap. I could give him that much.
He moved to sit on the edge of the bed.
I followed, my weight falling toward his heavier indentation.
“Are you ever going to apologize for stealing my bike?” he asked without looking at me.
I laughed and punched his shoulder. “Maybe you shouldn’t go through my mail next time.”
Zade turned toward me with his usual big, goofy smile. “I really thought they were all crazy. I mean, they are, but not in the way I thought.”
I sighed and fell back, my torso supine on the bed while my legs dangled over the edge. “You believe them now?” I asked, ceiling-gazing.
There was a pause. Then Zade shifted, hand pressing into the bed by my arm, leaning over me. The hair on my arm brushed his knuckles, and goosebumps prickled across my skin despite how warm it was in the room.
I licked my lips.
Now he’s gonna get the wrong idea.
It was dangerously familiar and…wrong.
“I do,” he finally said.
“What?!” My eyes flew open. I hadn’t realized I’d shut them.
“How? After all this, how can you believe there’s someone out there that powerful who actually cares about us?
The Creator?” I sat up, heat in my voice.
“And everyone thinks I’m going to save the world?
They think I’ll save them. But I haven’t done a single good thing in my life.
I’ve never thought about helping others.
I’m just trying to stay alive long enough to kill Azazel. And that’s purely out of spite.”
Zade leaned closer until his shoulder pressed mine. “All I know is that I prayed He would bring you back to me alive, even though it seemed impossible. And He did.”
My pulse spiked. My laugh came out dry.
Zade would do anything for me.
He’d always promised that.
And the last hour or so of us all chatting and not running for our lives had been so comfortable. If I wanted out of all this, I knew without a doubt that Zade would get me out. He'd take me somewhere quiet and safe and away from it all.
Now was my chance. If I waited much longer, I might never escape the quicksand that was my life.
I knew it was wrong, but my arm shifted, and our forearms pressed together as my hand slid under his.
Before I could think better of it, I whispered, “Would you get me out of here? Would you help me get away like you’ve always said?”
I was doing what I did best, even if I knew I shouldn’t: running.
Damnit, Eliana. What is wrong with you? Why would you do this to—
His answer was on his lips.
His lips on mine.
We were still for a breath until I accidentally pressed forward, and his mouth moved, lips parting. His warm, calloused hand cupped my cheek.
It was wrong, but I was curious.
And he was more than curious. He was hungry for this, for me.
If we could work, then we could just be happy together somewhere far away from destiny and death.
Away from The Tower.
Away from Azazel and Abadon.
Away from Soren and all the feelings crushing me at the idea of him.
The bang of the door slamming into the wall behind it was like a MagRay blast.
I jerked back as Soren crossed the room in a single stride, snatching Zade’s hand from my face before I could fully scramble away and reach the iron headboard.
Zade let out a strangled cry as Soren’s grip crushed bone, but Soren’s eyes weren’t on him. They locked on me. Solid black, swallowing the silver whole.
“What did I say, Eliana?” His voice was soft. Too soft.
“Stop!” I shouted, crawling toward them.
Zade was on his knees under Soren’s grip, teeth gritted in pain, when Soren’s mouth twitched—not into a smile, but something darker. He brought Zade’s hand toward his mouth.
He’s going to bite his fingers off!
“No, please!” I grabbed Soren’s arm, trying to wedge myself between them.
“I’m sorry,” I begged. “It was my fault. Please don’t hurt him. He doesn’t know that I’m yours.”
I didn’t know what I was saying, but I was trying everything I could to keep Zade’s fingers in place because I was pretty confident his upgrades wouldn’t allow him to regrow limbs, unlike Soren’s strange condition.
Nevertheless.
I froze under my last confession.
Confession?
I wasn’t Soren’s. I really wasn’t. You can’t just belong to another person.
Soren had made it clear on more than one occasion that he disagreed with that notion.
And a locked-away piece of me wanted to disagree as well. I wanted to believe that I could belong somewhere, with someone.
To someone.
To him.
Soren’s grip loosened. Zade’s mangled hand dropped to his lap.
I watched, unmoving, as Soren’s eyes shifted. Black cracking open into silver, slow and deliberate, like frost breaking over dark waters.
Zade staggered up, moving around me toward Soren. His face was red with rage and pain. “I’ll kill you, you motherf—”
“Zade, please just go.” My voice was flat, and I stayed in front of him because if he touched Soren, I knew Soren wouldn’t stop until there was nothing left to bury.
“What?” His nose wrinkled, mouth open. “Belles, you can’t just let him—”
“I know,” I cut in. I forced myself to look him in the eyes. “This is my choice, Zade. I'm sorry that I used your feelings for me to try and hide just now. But I’m his. I love him.”
Fucking hell.
That couldn’t be true. I didn’t love anyone. Never had and never would. How could I say I love this monster?
The second the words left me, I wanted to claw them back. But saying it also felt like planting my feet in firm ground, storms billowing around me uselessly.
Perhaps I'd made a move on Zade knowing all along that it would force me to finally face what I really felt toward Soren.
Something primal and ancient shifted in the air. An eon-old promise stretched between Soren and me.