33
ST. ANNABEL
When we were in school Arden always had a multitude of sports that he participated in; rugby, tennis, football etc.
Like I said he is an overachiever. My personal favourite is football (my family are Arsenal supporters), I find tennis much too tedious to pay attention to and there was a lot of grabbing going on in rugby.
I went to every football game. Even the away ones. After we stopped speaking, I’d watch in the crowd at the very back hoping he wouldn't spot me. There were times when I succeeded but when I didn’t, I’d wait by his car and he drove us back to school. All without a word uttered between us.
It was strange. The way we existed and danced around each other. We always found a reason to infiltrate the other’s orbit, the excuses I gave myself for how I had magically ended up in his vicinity felt thin even to my ears.
Tennis, of course, is Arden’s favourite.
Maybe it is because his father isn’t really a fan but that is his prized sport.
He is the best at it, could’ve gone pro if he wanted.
If he was living in an alternate universe where he wasn’t the heir to the Thorne name and his father hadn’t strictly forbidden it.
Still he plays because tennis is the thing that truly made him whole, to him it is like an extra limb, a life source.
“Forty-love,” the first year, who I think is called Hamza, sitting on the umpire chair yells out so vibrantly like this is a real tennis match and not just a friendly game between Arden and Nic.
Which could have something to do with how tense the whole thing is, I can feel the testosterone from where I sit.
Arden moves up and down the court at lightning speed, though to no avail. He is playing like shit. Something is up with him but I can’t pinpoint exactly what. Arden often plays tennis when he needs to clear his head and when you come from a father like his that is often.
The two fools wanted to go to Wimbledon for this, even though they both know they can’t play on the courts at this time of the year. It doesn’t matter that Arden was a member of the AELTC, not even he can make that happen. So they have settled for the underground tennis court at the uni.
“Game, Lancaster. Second set!” The boy hollers again, like the cry of a battle gone awry.
I suppose it has. Whatever is distracting Arden must be serious, considering there is nothing he hates more than losing.
And to a Lancaster . He once told me only people comfortable with failure, lost. Once he is back to his senses, we are never going to hear the end of this.
They start another set.
I’m not here alone. To the left of me MJ sits oddly silent, watching the match without even the twitch of a muscle. She is wearing a fur coat, which I’m ninety percent sure she stole from me, and sunglasses despite the fact that there isn’t a lot of sun.
She asked me to come, despite not knowing I had already planned to anyway, some excuse about not wanting to be alone.
It is hard to be around her, lately. To watch her be openly with the man I only get to have in secret.
Arden is going to break things off soon, he is trying to find a way to do it without hurting their name and his father killing him and hiding his body.
MJ has been spending so much time with her brothers recently too, it is quite odd. Maybe she is hiding something from me too. I look at the girl I’ve loved in infinite ways for the last decade, wondering if she’ll ever be able to look at me the same if she knew.
“Have you…” she pauses for a moment, catching her breath, her eyes never leaving the match and not looking my way.
Her cheeks tremble slightly, something that can be mistaken for the cold; December reminding us that it is here to stay.
Yet, I knew it’s not that. She is trying to hide whatever it is that is upsetting her.
“Have you noticed something off with him lately?”
She nods gently in the direction of Arden who is now changing racquets, a heavy frown clouding his face. It takes everything in me to sit still, to not jump up and smooth the frown lines.
“What do you mean?” I ask her, feigning innocence, my voice firm.
I have no gloves on and such a thin coat, so I brrr in hopes to use the cold as my excuse for my sitting upright at her question.
Despite my fumble, I usually am a good liar.
Unfortunately, it is something I am proud of. My father taught me quite well.
That stumbles me. Will I ever get over that? How proud I am of the little ways in which I am like him? I’m not sure how I could unlearn the last twenty years.
“Have you noticed it?” she presses, her voice hard, as though she wasn’t leaving here without confirmation that she was making it up. That there is a rift between them.
You know the phrase a woman can always tell when something is wrong? This is it.
I could tell her the truth right here. That I know what the problem is.
That I’ve been kissing and sleeping with her boyfriend without her awareness.
The real source of the pit she is getting in her stomach.
I should beg for her forgiveness right now and promise to do so for the rest of our lives.
It’ll at least ease one part of the pit in mine.
But I don’t do that.
“No. He’s the same insufferable twat he’s always been,” I reply. The ghost of a smile appears but her shoulders are still as stiff as when we first sat down, and she still hasn’t looked my way. “Is there a reason you’re asking?”
“Just wondering. He’s been a bit distant is all.” She smiles again, but it is forced. Manufactured. The complete opposite of her usual spark of joy and whimsy. Her brown hair blows in every which way, from the wind
“I’m sure whatever it is. It’s nothing.” I cover my ungloved hand with her gloved ones and hold it tight.
She finally looks at me, I search her face and want to take the sunglasses off so I can see her eyes.
For some reason it feels as though they can see straight through me and my lies.
“You know how he is, extremely self obsessed I wouldn’t even bother. ”
MJ frowns deeply at the same time she gasps so loudly that the boys stopped playing. I look down at my hands prickling with blood, again. Except this time it is much deeper that I can’t hide it. I pull back.
“Annie, are you okay? You haven’t done this in years.” MJ says, as she gets cotton wool balls and a bandage from her shoulder bag. She used to carry them with her when we were in school because this used to happen much more frequently than you’d think. I am confused why she had them on her now.
Arden runs over immediately, up the steps and past his girlfriend. He takes my hands with his , ignoring the way everyone is staring at him and how silent it has become. “What the fuck happened?”
I try to pull my hand back, but he glares at me and holds it firmly. My eyes flicker to MJ, who is staring at Arden incredulously as he grabs the supplies from her hands and takes over.“I’m fine, it was an accident.”
He crouches down in front of me, clearly upset. “Accidents only happen to stupid people. I’ve never gotten that impression from you but perhaps I was mistaken.”
“Sorry,” I mumble.
Not too long after, he wraps up the cleaning and that is when whatever fog in his eyes clears up to pick up on the stale climate the rest of us are choking on. He turns to look at MJ, who is now standing, bewilderment over the last five minutes still evident on her face.
Nobody says anything, we stare at each other all at an impasse before Nic takes initiative and holds my bandaged hands with his. “Annabel and I have to go, she promised me a date.”
I whip my head towards him, as the other two simultaneously say, “A what?”
“Right on, but since she’s done her hands in we will have to settle for something inside.
” Then he winks, looking content that his words have landed.
This only makes Arden visibly angrier, he takes one step forward and Nic puts me behind him and is locked in a stare off with Arden, in a barely audible tone he says, “You can trust me.”
We say our goodbyes very quickly, barely giving the others a breath to think and Nic wraps an arm around me and drags me along with him.“I hope you know what you’re doing, Anne.”
We walk out together but I turn around to see Arden stand there, resigned and helpless. But more importantly, I look at MJ and it confirms my very worst fears.
She knows.