Chapter 14
CHAPTER 14
W hy Leofric had waited so long to tell Cosmo that he was wed he didn’t know, but now that he had, it was as if a strange, icy wall had sprung up between them. He stood naked in the lake, with Cosmo at his back, afraid to turn around and face him.
How could he have let this get so far, how could he have admitted his twisted fantasies, dishonoring himself, his wife…Laela. Thinking of Laela had his guts churning with shame. He loved her, he did. Not in the way that a man would normally wish to love a wife—more as a sister. It was impossible not to love the woman who had made his brother so happy. She was Hamalcar’s great love, and her face swam before him now as he let Cosmo wash and dress the wounds on his back and arms. He could never allow his temper to get the better of him again, lest he violate their marriage contract and break the sacred oath he’d made to his brother.
Mercifully, Cosmo let Leofric’s admission lie. “Oh,” he said. A pause, and then, “I didn’t know.”
They waded back to shore, and Leofric was afraid to turn around. He could picture Cosmo eyeing his backside, but somehow, fending off his flirty barbs had lost its savor. Perhaps for Cosmo too, the admission of his marriage cooling the heat between them. Cosmo was quiet and subdued as he applied some sticky salve to Leofric’s burns. He was amassing quite the collection since meeting Cosmo. The salve stung at first, but with the stinging came with a cooling sensation so soothing he groaned out loud. As Cosmo tended Leofric’s wounds, he was certain Cosmo could feel the way his heart pounded frantically in his chest, like it was desperate for Cosmo to hear.
And still, Cosmo had not said a word since they’d emerged from the water. For once, it was Leofric who wished the silence would break. It was cowardly, he knew, blaming Laela, using her and their marriage as a shield to keep Cosmo at bay. Leofric should have the strength of will to rebuff Cosmo’s advances on his own, but his pathetic behavior earlier that day proved he did not—even when his bloody life was at stake. He was the weak wretch he’d always been, such that he needed to use his brother’s widow as his shield—instead of the other way around.
By Sokolian law, a widow must remarry if her heir was not of age, and Sorex was only a boy. By marrying Leofric, Laela escaped having to fend off any male suitors who would be sniffing about after her husband’s death. It had allowed her to grieve, safe from the advances of other men. It was on Leofric’s tongue to explain this to Cosmo, but for some reason, he could not part with the words. Leofric donned a fresh loin cloth as Cosmo lay their bedrolls side by side. After what happened in the outlaws’ camp, Leofric knew they should set a watch, but he was just so bloody tired. If the surviving órnians tracked them to this spot, a few moments warning wouldn’t truly prove much difference in the state he was in.
Now that the thrill of the fight had fully left him, the pain was excruciating. Neither his back nor his chest could stand being laid upon, so Leofric lay upon his side, one arm curled up awkwardly under his head. The wounds stung and smarted as the summer breeze danced across his abused flesh, but it felt better for being clean and massaged with Cosmo’s ointment.
“I’ll bandage you up tomorrow,” said Cosmo, his voice oddly flat and formal. “I think it would be best to let the flesh set a bit first, however.”
“Gratitude,” said Leofric, equally chilly in his response.
The silence went on so long that Leofric thought Cosmo must have fallen asleep. Just when Leofric had almost drifted off himself, Cosmo’s quiet voice floated over to rouse him. “The gold is for her.”
“Yes, and…” Leofric hesitated once again, but there would be nothing gained by holding back now. Cosmo would make their acquaintance soon enough. “My son.”
“Your—”
“Sorex, he is called. A bright boy. A boy any father would be proud of,” Leofric said. “His Highness promised me enough coin to retire and see them cared for in perpetuity, if I completed this quest with you.”
“That is quite a lot of coin,” Cosmo mused. “Why is Prince Alexios so invested in our power being restored?”
Leofric frowned. “For Auro, of course.”
Cosmo blinked, startled. “No one has ever loved me like that,” he said, and then his face seemed confused, like he hadn’t meant to part with the words at all.
Cosmo found the second leg of their journey almost as painful as the first. Instead of sullen, the silence between them now seemed strained. In place of veiled barbs, they traded brittle courtesies, polite and bloodless. Each treated the other as if he were made of spun glass, delicate, prone to shattering.
Cosmo had no idea what to do about it.
He’d bedded with married folk before, of course. In fact, part of what got Leofric into this mess was Cosmo offering to pleasure a married public figure. Usually though, usually, married folk came to Cosmo with the full knowledge of their spouse. Occasionally, they even came together to share him. This felt…different. The way Leofric spoke of his marriage was to place his vows firmly between himself and Cosmo. It seemed to Cosmo that Leofric would part with his cock before he would part with his precious honor.
His oaths were just as much a part of him as the vining tattoo, the scowl, and the armor he always wore. Stripped of those, who was he?
It was a relief when they at last reached the border of the Sokolian territory, if only because it meant encountering more people, finally sparing them of each other’s undiluted company. The captain on duty in the barracks knew Leofric, and offered them their hospitality for the night. Cosmo offered to put up their horses while Leofric sequestered himself with the captain, warning him of the movement of órnian troops beyond their borders, Cosmo did not doubt.
He waited anxiously in the room they would share, listening to the winds moving through the slitted windows up near the ceiling. Leofric had told him the barracks here were called the Flute Halls, for the song the wind made, whistling in and out. When at last Leofric returned, it was only to summon Cosmo to share evening meal with the men. He could scarcely meet Cosmo’s eye.
The dinner was a lively one, but Cosmo felt well removed. Leofric seemed far more at home here in the company of other soldiers than he had in the villa in Papia. He was known here, that much was plain. Respected, and popular amongst his fellows. Cosmo even caught a smile or two gracing his lips, though they were fleeting. He could not help but thinking of how close he’d come to tasting those lips, and wondered what kissing Leofric would be like. If his impassioned outburst before their capture were to be believed, it would be lively, to say the least. The notion made Cosmo ache with want, far worse than before. Before, it had merely been an amusing diversion. A game. Now it consumed his every waking thought—and the man could barely stand to look at him. Cosmo cursed himself. What a fucking fool he was.
He excused himself from the meal and retired to their room, an uncomfortable knot in his guts as he waited. Normally he would twist and adjust his jewels when so taken with nerves, and without them he felt naked, and not in a way he liked. While he waited, he tried to marshal his courage and steel himself to address this awkwardness between himself and Leofric. Cosmo knew he could not survive the remainder of this journey in such a strained mood.
When Leofric at last returned, Cosmo opened his mouth to blurt some manner of apologies, of denials, of promises to keep his tongue and salacious words well-guarded behind his teeth, but before he could blech forth such words, Leofric held up a hand.
“Apologies, for how I have behaved since…” He trailed away.
“None required,” said Cosmo. “I?—”
“I believe we both share some of the blame,” said Leofric with a wry grin that made Cosmo’s knees weak. “I propose we begin anew. A fresh start, leaving behind misunderstandings and awkwardness.”
Cosmo smiled gratefully. “I think that a splendid idea.”
“To commemorate our new alliance,” said Leofric, “I recalled something I found, and wish to return to you.”
Cosmo tilted his head to the side. “And what is that?”
Leofric extended a hand, offering something concealed within his palm. Confused, Cosmo held his own hand, palm up, feeling sparks fly across his skin when their fingers brushed. A cool weight landed in Cosmo’s hand, and when Leofric drew away, Cosmo gasped. “My ring! How did you come by this?”
“I’ve actually had it for a while, and I beg forgiveness for forgetting. The first night you came to the villa in Papia, when you discarded your golden trinkets, this rolled off, concealed behind a table leg. I found it the next morning, and forgot I’d had it.”
Before he could stop himself, Cosmo launched himself forward, throwing his arms around Leofric in a grateful hug. As he realized what he had done, he made to back away, and apologize for already seeking to shatter this fragile peace between them. However, before he could, Leofric’s arms fell about his shoulders, returning the embrace. Just for a moment, but Cosmo felt it eased away the tension between them, far more than words. “Thank you,” he whispered, before he drew away.
Things were easier, after that. There still stood a vast chasm of things unspoken between them, but they had built a bridge across it, and Cosmo felt that would serve. For now.
The journey back to Sokol had been so fraught that Leofric had not allowed himself a chance to realize how much he missed it, how much he missed the dry heat of the sun and the spicy food, the sands and the wind billowing all around him. Even the sting of grit in his eyes was welcome. He felt himself again. He looked forward to seeing Laela and Sorex, too. He’d missed them dearly since being dispatched to Papia. Leofric looked beside him as he rode, watching Cosmo taking in the sights of the rolling golden dunes that surrounded the desert pass. He seemed even more beautiful here in the sunbaked world of Leofric’s home. Had the sun blessed him with even more freckles, somehow? Leofric would not have thought it possible, yet as they rode, he found himself discerning new shapes in the galaxies of spots on Cosmo’s sun-pinked skin. Guilt gnawed at him. He should have told Cosmo the truth of his marriage, should have told him it was not a bond of romantic love between himself and his wife, or that Sorex were not truly his son. But Leofric had a better measure of Cosmo now. Despite what Leofric had initially thought, he was a good man, in his way. A bit hapless, a bit self-indulgent, but a good man all the same. A good, kind Cosmo was far more dangerous to Leofric’s willpower than a detestable one. The sham of his marriage was a safe shield between them, one he did not think Cosmo would willfully violate.
“Leofric?”
“Apologies,” said Leofric. “I find myself well distracted by the familiar sights of home.”
Cosmo gave him a curious look, but otherwise let it pass. “I simply inquired how much further we planned to ride today. I find it difficult to estimate distance looking out at all this.”
It was true. For one not used to traversing a desert, the sands and the wide expanse played tricks upon the eye. Things far seemed close, things close seemed far. Leofric gestured toward the sky. “Trust in the path of your sun above,” said Leofric. “We travel west beside it, for another day and a half.”
“My sun?” a hint of his old teasing present in the question, but it felt different now. Familiar, friendly.
Leofric flushed. “You command it, do you not?”
Cosmo considered that. “I suppose, but more like a sailor ‘commands’ the sea, or the winds. I harness it, I guide it. I am more a shepherd of the season, than master of it.”
Leofric smiled.
“What?”
“It’s funny,” he said. “I thought you and Auro could not be more different, but sometimes the similarity between you strikes me. There is something of his way in you, I think.”
Cosmo plainly wasn’t sure what to do with that. “I’ll take that as a complement,” he said after a while, though to Leofric his tone was accented with a touch of sadness. “People cannot help but love Auro.”
“And there is some of you in him, too, I think.”
That took Cosmo aback, so much so that he could only sputter incoherently in response. Leofric’s smile widened, but he offered no further explanation of his words as they rode on.
The following morning, they traveled up a ridge of dunes that looked down upon a distant valley, a pocket of fertile land within the expanse of desert. Leofric pointed out a tiny splotch on the horizon, revealing it to be the home of his wife and son. Cosmo’s face grew solemn, and Leofric could tell he grew more unsure of himself with every step they took.
He could feel Cosmo’s eyes on the side of his head, like they made attempt to bore into his skull, to peer into his brain to read the thoughts within. Leofric was glad that he couldn’t; his thoughts were a tumult of joy and guilt, so scattered that his only relief was that he could keep them private.
“What does your family know, of our quest?” Cosmo asked him, as they neared the walls that surrounded the small villa.
“Nothing,” said Leofric. “I haven’t been home, since my deployment to Papia.”
Cosmo frowned. “No, letters? Nothing?”
“Letters can be intercepted,” said Leofric evasively. In truth, he mostly kept his distance, not wanting to force himself into Laela’s life. He glanced sidelong at Cosmo, and could tell he was suspicious. “I can tell Laela some of it, of course but…”
“But what?”
“It is … difficult to know what to share, in regards to?—”
“—me?” said Cosmo, a hint of humor in his cheeky expression.
Leofric tingled a bit, flushing, but kept his face a mask. “All of this,” he said. “Gods, curses. The whole messy lot.”
That much was true, at least. Laela was perhaps Leofric’s oldest friend in the world. If there was anyone he could trust with his fears and worries, the secrets and the dangers, it was her. But it was a lot to burden someone with, so he hadn’t yet decided how much to share. There was more Leofric could have said, much more, but he was trying desperately to protect this new camaraderie between them. He would never admit it out loud, but by now he was used to Cosmo. Enjoyed his company, bawdy jests and all. Perhaps Leofric even liked him, indecent lascivious thoughts aside. Their journey was far from over, and it would not do to destroy this peace between them while it was still so fresh and fragile.
The knot in Leofric’s stomach loosened slightly as they rode into the yard. Leofric only just caught a glimpse of Sorex working in the stable before he threw down his shovel and turned to run inside the house, shouting, “He’s home! He’s home!”