Chapter 30
CHAPTER THIRTY
D ane clutches my hand as we weave through the paths shrouded with trees. The island looks so different in the dark, especially on a moonless night like tonight. Dane doesn’t seem to mind. He knows exactly where he is going and how to get there.
“Where are we going?” I say as he tugs me along.
“You’ll see,” he says. “But we have to hurry.”
“Is this safe to be doing at night? I thought you said we don’t go out at night because it’s too dangerous!”
“Generally, yes, but the island won’t harm me. I’m the Guardian. You’re safe, trust me.” He looks over his shoulder at me, his last words reverberating in the air between us. I told him I couldn’t trust him, not after he lied to me so much back in Dawnlin. He needed to earn that trust back, and since I’ve been here, he hasn’t given me any reason not to.
I grip his hand tighter, enjoying the feeling of his fingers woven through mine. “Okay,” I mutter back, blindly following and trying not to trip over rocks jutting out of the ground .
The trees finally open and the path continues into a field full of taller grass, and my body tenses. I look around at this new place and my stomach starts to churn.
This feels too familiar. Too fresh.
I pull back slightly on Dane’s hand, slowing us down.
“Are you okay?” Dane slows as well, looking back at me to see what was stopping me.
I clear my throat. “Yeah,” I say. My eyes dart around the field until they land on the cliff.
I’ve never been here before, so how did I know exactly where it would be? How was I just here, leaping to escape the attack of everyone on the island only moments ago in my sleep?
“Dane…” I stop walking. I don’t want to get any closer to that cliff, not after the dream. Not after the feelings from it.
He stops and comes toward me, his eyes scanning my face for some clue why I won’t go any further. “What’s wrong? Please tell me.”
“It’s just,” I start. I don’t want to admit what happened in the dream or relive the look on his face. I don’t want him to think I have even more reason not to trust him after a dream wasn’t real. But I can’t help but feel uneasy coming to this place so soon after I had just been there.
“I can’t swim,” I settle on.
He quirks his eyebrow and tilts his head. “What does that have to do with being here?” He gestures to the surrounding field.
I lean around him and point toward the cliff. “Can we stay away from the cliff? I’m afraid of falling into the water.”
He takes a step closer, closing both of his hands over mine. “I’d never let you fall, but we don’t have to go any closer if you don’t want to.”
I let out a sigh of relief, my shoulders releasing the tension they had been holding.
He isn’t about to push me off the side of a cliff to my death then.
“Thank you. What are we looking for?” I look around to see if someone is coming or if there is somewhere else we are going .
“Just wait. I think you’ll like it.” He steps behind me and grabs my shoulders, turning me to face the cliffs to look out over the sea. His hands fall away, but he stays close enough that I can feel his clothes brushing against mine.
The stars twinkle brightly above us as my eyes trace over the dark horizon.
I wait.
A few minutes pass while I try to focus on whatever it is I am supposed to be looking at instead of standing in the dark, alone, with Dane.
Suddenly, the sky bursts into color as a sun peeks above the horizon. Oranges and reds pierce the darkness as the first sun rises above the line of the sea. The second follows, off to the right, sending a brighter cascade of pinks, the light so bright I have to squint.
My face breaks into a grin as I watch my first ever sunrise. I lean back into Dane, my body moving of its own accord.
He leans down, his breath tickling my ear as he speaks. “I figured you never really got to see one of these in Blackwood before. I wanted to be there when you saw the sunrise for the first time.”
My face heats and my stomach flutters. Dane brought me to see the sunrise, because he knew I had never seen one before, not living in Blackwood.
He cares about me, and not just cares in the sense that the Guardian cares about everyone on Dawnlin. No. He brought me here to make me happy, to make me feel better after a terrible nightmare, and he’s tried to keep me safe.
It feels like more.
More is terrifying.
I can’t have more. I am a princess. I have duties and responsibilities. My life isn’t here, and it never can be.
But his life is.
He knows nothing about my life because I haven’t been honest with him.
I spin to face him, craning my neck to meet his eyes. His arms wrap around my waist, both of his hands settling into the small of my back and pulling me closer. His movements feel so comfortable, as if he has known me for years, not just a couple of weeks.
“Dane, I…I need to be honest with you. I can’t help but feel like there’s something…more here.”
“What makes you think that?” The corner of his lips turn up and his eyes shine playfully.
“This,” I say, gesturing to his arms wrapped around my body.
“And what if there is?” He shifts on his feet, the distance between us closing. My breath hitches, but I lift my hands and firmly place them on his chest to keep him from getting any closer.
I need to make sure I choose my words carefully. The idea of being with someone is foreign to me. It has always been a dream, a distant one that I pictured late at night when I was awake and alone, with only books to keep me company. It was one whenever someone mentioned my parents’ love story in passing, but never bothering to tell me the full thing. It was one that I hoped for whenever I was confronted with the idea of betrothals and alliances.
My relationships have never felt normal, and I had accepted long ago that they never would be.
But this one does, or is starting to.
I can’t let it. It isn’t going to last. I may have met Dane in Blackwood, but his life is here, and mine is not.
My entire reason for being in Dawnlin is to find the cure and leave. I now know the timeline isn’t what I expected, and I could be here for a long time. A large part of me hopes I am not, but then part of me also hopes I am.
I tear my gaze away from his face and stare at my hands against his chest, trying to find the courage to push away the first thing that has ever felt like a normal life.
“There…can’t be.” I say. “You know why I’m here. You know I have to return to Blackwood, and you are needed here. I can’t stay with you, an d I worry that whatever this is will be a distraction and keep me here longer than I should be.”
I feel a pang in my chest as the words settle between us. Distraction may not be the right word, because I hate to admit to myself that he feels like hope.
Hope for a more normal life, one where I have friendships with real people who care for me , not for Princess Lennox.
Dane gives me hope for more.
Hope for love.
While hope fills this magical world, I can’t have hope when it comes to Dane.
“I don’t want to distract you,” he murmurs as his fingers brush my cheek. They trail along my face and under my chin. He lifts it, forcing my eyes to meet his again. “Trust me. I don’t want to be a distraction. I want you to get what you came here for.” His eyes dart over my face, and I know he is telling the truth.
“I already told you I can’t trust you.”
“You did. And I told you I was going to change that.”
“Are you?”
“I’m working on it.” He grins and his gaze drops to my lips. His hand wraps around the side of my neck, his thumb grazing over my pounding pulse.
“Do you trust me?” he grumbles softly.
I don’t say a word. I can’t move. I am frozen in his arms.
He leans down painfully slowly, daring me to pull away. His lips brush mine, barely even a touch. His eyes meet mine, as if asking permission.
I don’t move. I know I just told him that this can’t happen, but despite my words, I want it to. He knows I do.
He leans in again, lips firm and sure, and a fire ignites in my body. I sigh, and fist his shirt, leaning into him. His grip tightens on my waist and neck, the heat from his hands only fueling the fire as he draws me in .
I have never kissed anyone before. I’d never had the chance. There was no stark rule in Blackwood that the royal line could not have relationships, but my father’s authoritarian hand ensured that even though it wasn’t legally forbidden, it was for me.
That didn’t mean I was clueless as to what went on between lovers. There were plenty of times I’d stumbled across guards and maids tucked away together in the dark corners of the castle. I’d seen Addy steal a few kisses with one of the stablemen and read plenty of Tila’s not so innocent books.
Knowing and experiencing are not the same.
A whirlwind of emotions tears through me as I sink into him. Hope, longing, fear, desire. Where one starts and the next begins is inconceivable.
He tilts my head to the side, changing the angle to deepen the kiss. His lips part mine, and I respond, opening them and inviting him in. I almost gasp as his tongue brushes against mine and meet his long strokes.
I want him. I want to have a future with someone I chose, and it is clear he wants me too.
A small voice murmurs in the recesses of my mind.
I can’t have him. Not really.
I break away and flatten my clenched fists on his chest to push him back to arm’s length. His eyes are glassed over with desire, the look of them fueling that fire inside me that I had felt only moments ago.
“Dane—”
“Shh.” He cuts me off with a thumb, stroking my lower lip. “I know you are worried about this, and I know you say you can’t trust me. I know you want to get back home. All I ask is that you consider giving me a chance, even if it only lasts while you are here.”
His hopeful eyes dart between mine, waiting for an answer. His request isn’t unreasonable, but I still feel uncertain. Could I get involved with him, knowing that it will not last, that it has an end date? Would I subconsciously try to extend our time by not picking up on signs and clues to where the cure is hidden, only so I could stay longer? Could I let myself feel everything I had longed for but never thought I would have?
I don’t want to get hurt, and leaving Dawnlin, leaving him, after having all of this, could break me.
His hands stroke my arms, sending reassuring tingles through my body. “I don’t ever want to distract you. I know that is your biggest concern. I know you are worried about leaving. But let’s live in the here and now. You’re here, now. We can be whatever you want to be.”
He slides his hands down and entwines his fingers with mine. “I have to be honest with you, Lennox,” he continues, rubbing his thumb across the back of my hands. His eyes break contact, and he rolls his lip between his teeth. The strong, confident Dane I have been getting to know actually seems unsure of himself for once. “I feel very drawn to you. I knew it the second I saw you in Blackwood. If it wasn’t for who I am, and you had nothing to return to, I would want this. Us. I hope you feel the same.”
I don’t answer. I don’t know what to say. He isn’t wrong. The moment I bumped into him, I felt a spark. I attributed it to being the first time I spoke to a man outside of the castle, but I feel like it might be more than that.
Neither of us has the freedoms others have. The Guardian isn’t free to live a life he chooses, and I can see that pain hovering beneath his tough surface.
We have this in common, this duty and commitment to something bigger. Maybe because of that deep understanding, the here and now could be possible. Maybe Dane is right, and we can be together, knowing it will come to an end.
“Alright,” I whisper.
His eyes snap to mine, and the look of joy on his face makes me want to lean in and kiss him again.
“Really? ”
I nod with a small smile. “Promise me you won’t interfere with my search. You know I have to leave, eventually. Please don’t make it harder for me.”
He nods firmly. “I understand, and I promise not to interfere with your searching time.”
“Thank you.”
His face lights up again, before wrapping his arm around my shoulders and turning us back the way we came. “Let’s get back. I don’t want to use up any of your time. Who are you with today?”
“I think Gauge told me he would show me around today.”
“I like Gauge. He’s a cool kid.”
“Me too. He’s been nice to me.”
“Everyone else treating you well? Especially after the other day?”
“Pretty well. I’m still trying to get to know everyone. Mara and I had a little bit of a rocky start, but I think it’s better now.”
He pushes back some branches and I duck under them. “What do you mean by rocky?”
“Well,” I start, unaware of how people normally have these conversations about jealousy and relationships. “You know she has feelings for you, right?”
“Mara? No she doesn’t.”
I giggle. I’d overheard some of the female staff at the castle talking about how clueless men could be to their advances, but I am now seeing it first hand. “She does, Dane. She was cold to me at first. She didn’t like that you, um, you touch me.”
“What, you mean like this?” He grasps my waist and pulls me flush to him. I giggle again and wriggle from his grasp.
“Yes, like that.” I say.
Dane shakes his head. “Mara is a good kid, but I don’t think of her that way.”
“I kind of feel sad for her. We talked yesterday, and I like her. I don’t want to hurt her by being close to you. ”
He reaches out and threads his fingers through mine. “You let me worry about that. Mara will be fine.”
I believe him. I’d seen the way Dane speaks to everyone in camp, even when he was pissed at them. He treats everyone with respect, like he truly cares about every person here. I assume he cares about Mara too, even if it isn’t in the romantic way she longed for.
“Now let’s get you back. You have a busy day ahead of you.”
We set off down the path, the suns rising high behind us, so I can get ready for another day of searching.