Chapter 20 Losing her shit
Losing her shit
Holy hell, Abby was exhausted. It pressed on her more and more the closer she got to home.
She hoped her mom had put Will to bed, because that’s where she wanted to be.
No shower. No taking off her makeup. Hell, she might just sleep in her clothes.
Plop facedown on her bed and not get up until well past noon.
She’d been going nonstop for almost sixteen hours.
Even before students had arrived for the day, panicked and anxious about their exhibits, she’d gotten two hours of work in.
Then Rebecca, the elementary art teacher, had a last-minute appointment and she’d asked Abby to cover her classes.
As frustrated as Abby had been at losing that hour, Rebecca had covered for her on more than one occasion when Abby had needed to take a sick day for Will.
It hadn’t set her back too much, but a few students had started to spiral when she hadn’t been readily available to help them.
Abby pulled into her drive and frowned at Tinker’s car, parked behind her mom’s sedan. Had he left it for some reason? She clearly remembered saying she’d talk to him tomorrow.
Please god, let him have a dead battery. She didn’t have the energy tonight. This was the sucky part of dating.
That and when she’d seen him talking to Melanie’s mom.
He’d been in the main hall where the elementary and middle school art was displayed.
Melanie had two pieces up and Abby had caught sight of Tinker talking to her and her mom.
There was nothing outwardly unusual about it—Tinker had a close relationship with them. Abby knew that.
But she’d had a feeling, and she didn’t know if she was allowed to have a feeling.
She wasn’t even sure what she and Tinker were doing. What was their status? Were they dating? Were they fooling around? Why had she ever thought this was a good idea?
She dragged herself from the car and got her bag, lunch box, and shoes from the back seat.
Will’s shriek of excitement was audible through the front door.
“Ugh.” She rested her head against the door and seriously contemplated getting back in her car and driving away. It was hours past his bedtime, which meant he was wound up and would throw a tantrum when she tried to get him to bed.
She sighed and opened the door. Setting her bags and shoes down inside the door, she stepped into the living room. Tinker, Olivia, Will, and her mom were gathered around the coffee table playing cards. Will slapped a card on the table and shouted, “uno!”
He laughed like a maniacal miniature supervillain, falling back onto the floor and rolling around.
“What’s going on?” Abby hoped her voice was calm. She was going for calm. She wanted to be calm. She was not calm. She was about three steps away from “in today’s top breaking news story” and “orange is no one’s color.”
“Hey, honey. Will was too hyper for bed, so we’ve been playing Uno,” her mom said.
“For two hours?” Abby asked.
Sue had the grace to blanche when she looked at the clock. “Oh, shoot. I’m sorry, honey. I didn’t realize it was that late.”
“It’s my fault,” Tinker said. “He was excited I was here.”
“Mm-hmm.” Her throat actually hurt from the strain of not saying what she wanted to say. So why didn’t you leave?
But she didn’t. She could see Olivia tensing up. As happy as Abby was to see her interacting and having fun, she wished it had been at ten in the morning instead of almost ten at night.
“Will, say goodnight. It’s past your bedtime.”
“Mama, no.”
Abby rounded the couch. “Yes. Come on. You can play cards again tomorrow.”
Will ran to the other side of the couch. “No,” he cried.
“William Liam Day. If you make me chase you, you will lose TV privileges tomorrow.”
“Abby, a few more minutes isn’t going to hurt,” Tinker said.
“Do not.” She cut her eyes to him. “Tell me how to parent my child.”
His face went blank. She watched the mask fall back into place. This was the guy she’d seen that first night at the party.
She hadn’t even realized anything had changed until she watched it happen in real time.
The words couldn’t be taken back. She couldn’t explain right then that she didn’t mean it the way it sounded. That she needed to get her kid to bed, and she didn’t need anyone arguing.
She’d apologize later. After Will was in bed.
Will still tried to avoid her grasp when she picked him up, but he didn’t try to run again. He squirmed and kicked and arched his back. She held him tightly.
It’d be his own fault if she dropped him because he was thrashing around, but then he’d be hurt, and she’d feel like an even shittier mother than she did in that moment.
Will pleaded for more time. Tried to bargain for a story. Claimed he didn’t like the stuffy she’d picked out. And through it all, insisted he wasn’t tired.
It took less than two minutes for him to fall asleep.
Her mom padded softly into his room and knelt next to the bed, looking over his sleeping form at Abby. “Olivia went to bed,” she whispered.
Abby nodded.
“Tinker left,” her mom said.
“Okay.”
“We’re sorry, honey. We really lost track of time.”
“I know.”
“I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”
Abby nodded. Her mom left and the backs of her eyes began to sting.
She inhaled deeply and let it out slowly, counting an additional one hundred and twenty seconds to make sure Will was fully asleep, then slid off his bed and walked softly out of his room.
She closed the door, leaving it cracked like she did any other night.
Back in the living room, everything was clean. There was no evidence that only twenty minutes earlier there had been bowls of popcorn and cups scattered around.
Her chin trembled and she pressed her lips together. Back in her room, she managed to take off her dress and change into a ratty T-shirt and shorts before the first tear fell to her cheek.
Deep sobs shook her body. She didn’t even know why she was crying.
She slid to the floor of her closet, tucked into the corner next to the door.
It was her pity corner. That’s what she called it anyway.
The one she curled into when she wanted to hide from the world.
The first time had been when Will was one and teething.
He’d cried for what seemed like days. She’d gotten him to nap and then her neighbor had laid on his horn for some reason and startled Will awake.
It was the only time she’d let Will cry it out because she’d been too busy crying herself out.
The last time she’d crawled into it, Will had been three and had thrown a massive tantrum. They’d battled for hours before she’d finally gotten him to sleep. That’s when she’d figured out the bear hugging.
“Abby?” Olivia called from Abby’s bedroom.
Shit. She hadn’t closed her door all the way.
“Are you okay?”
Abby wiped her cheeks. “Yeah, sweetie. I’m just changing.”
“Okay. Are you sure?”
Abby tried to make her voice as normal as possible. “Yeah. It’s late. You should go to bed.”
“Okay. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”
Abby gave her a few seconds to leave, then crawled forward and pulled the closet door closed.
Olivia was too perceptive to believe everything was all right, but she didn’t need Abby’s emotional burdens laid at her feet.
Abby grabbed a workout shirt from the laundry basket and used it to muffle her sobs. It didn’t smell the greatest, but it was already dirty, and she didn’t care about getting snot on it.
She’d just started to get her breathing under control when the closet door clicked open. Her head shot up. “Olivia—”
Except it wasn’t Olivia.