Chapter 16 Gwen - The friendzone is the endzone
After walking Penelope through two different neighborhoods, collecting an entire pillowcase worth of candy, I get the text from Margot letting me know everything back at the cafe is ready to rock and roll for the perfect joint birthday party.
After a quick pit-stop in the apartment upstairs, I walk P and Miller into a dark cafe, just for the lights to be thrown on and everyone close to us to yell “Happy Birthday!” in our faces.
Neither Miller or Penelope could win any performance awards. Their acting skills are shit. So I know the shock on both of their faces is genuine, and my heart swells with pride that I pulled this off.
I swear I see liquid lining Miller’s eyes, the green in them popping more than usual, if possible.
They’re bright against the black shirt he changed into before coming here.
I didn’t think he would appreciate the grand entrance dressed as a chameleon so I suggested an outfit change before the “small cake I had stored in the cafe.” I also desperately needed to get that wig off my head.
Miller scoops Penelope up, still in her full princess attire because while Miller was stripping costume pieces before we even got to the top of the staircase, she wouldn’t entertain the thought of taking her dress off until absolutely necessary.
She’s shaking from excitement, and he whispers in her ear.
It’s their own little moment to take this in, and I get to witness it.
How lucky am I?
I don’t remember the last time I felt this happy. I know this whole thing got a little complicated last night after our kiss and accidental sleepover, but that’s not a today thought. Today is for loud happys, as Margot would say.
Once Miller lets Penelope down, she full blown sprints into Melanie’s waiting arms. Margot, Sawyer, Gus, Beth, and Daisy all crowd around them with Gus and Daisy keeping at least two people in between them.
Miller finally, and I do mean finally—I’ve been waiting for this—looks to me.
“Gwendolyn,” he breathes.
“Miller,” I faux confidently address him, stepping just a little closer.
“You did this, didn’t you?”
“Well, I mean, clearly I had help.” I gesture to the room of people and party decorations in front of us.
“I’ve never—No one’s ever—”
I stop him. “I know. And you know what I think? I think it’s a fucking crime no one has ever shown up for you the way you deserve.”
“This is too much.”
“Frankly, if I knew what you told me last night earlier, it would have been a hell of a lot bigger of a night.”
He shakes his head and puts his arm around my shoulders. His hand squeezes my bicep and I lean my head on his shoulder. “You’re something else, Gwen.”
“Funny, I’m pretty sure I’ve said the same thing about you.”
Miller answers by quickly kissing the top of my head, and it warms my entire body.
I want this. I want more. But not-so-great thoughts are seeping in.
The risk feels too big. I saw Miller’s face this morning when he realized the position we were in.
He didn’t say anything, but I also feel like he didn’t have to.
He’s scared to rock the boat, and I, unfortunately, completely understand.
I wish I could be blissfully ignorant and take what I want without consequence, but that’s not how things are. It’s as simple as that.
Our invisible bubble of solitude in the midst of a crowded room bursts when Melanie addresses Miller, calling him over to her while Penelope rehashes our trick-or-treat adventures to Gus, who looks like he really does care about whatever story she’s telling.
But he’s also eyeing the open bag of candy P dropped on the table so she could greet everyone with a look that tells me he might have a small ulterior motive behind his attentiveness.
Miller makes his way over to the group of people and the table they’re surrounding, covered with gifts and with a cake in the middle. The way Melanie now has him in a death grip of a hug would have most bystanders believing he is her son, returning home from war after years apart.
She holds Margot and the rest of us the same way though. I think it’s just how she loves.
“Mom, you’re going to snap Miller’s spine in half. Let him go. Jesus, woman. It’s like, barely been a month since you’ve been in town,” Margot groans.
“Watch your mouth, Margot Dorothea. Let me miss my people,” Melanie says with absolutely no bite in her voice around Miller’s shoulder, still not letting go.
I smile to myself. I love their relationship. I love their back-and-forth banter. I think most daughters with moms who have just never really gotten them would see it and feel the same.
Melanie grabs me next.
“There’s my other girl,” she says into my ear. “Beth’s been keeping me in the loop, more so than my daughter who continues to tell me to mind my own business, but how have you been?”
“Good,” I answer honestly. And how good does it fucking feel to know I’m telling her the truth?
“I was hoping that’s what you’d say.” The smirk on her face when she looks between me and Miller says everything it needs to.
I hate to be the one to disappoint her, but I should set the expectations now.
“Yeah, Miller has unexpectedly turned into a really good friend.” I look out of the corner of my eye to Miller a few steps away from me, and I swear I see his shoulders droop, even just slightly, while he chats with Beth.
Melanie eyes me funnily, and I try my hardest to look anywhere but at her, but she doesn’t let that stop her from speaking her mind. “Don’t do that, sweetie.”
“Do what?” I can play dumb.
“Settle for less than what you want and deserve because you’re scared.”
“I’m not scared—” I try to argue. I am scared. She doesn’t need to know that, though. No one does.
Melanie does this funny scrunch with her face that is so inherently Margot and rubs my arm in the most motherly way. I feel homesick for a feeling I don’t remember ever experiencing, which is weird.
“Okay, okay. I won’t press it, but just know, sometimes the risk really is worth the reward. Give it some thought.”
I nod to assure her that I hear her loud and clear before retreating to the safety of the other side of the cafe counter to grab Penelope’s gift from where I stashed it earlier.
Shopping for little girls, especially ones as cool as Penelope, is the easiest, most fun thing in the world. I had to reign myself in multiple times while going up and down aisles in stores, knowing I’d be receiving shit from Miller if I went overboard.
He’d rant about silly things like spoiling her, and it all being too much. Ridiculous. I don’t have time for it.
We watch Penelope open gifts, and we all collectively sing happy birthday twice, once for Lil P and once for Miller. If you passed the cafe’s front window and looked in, you’d see a picture-perfect night with a group of people, some once strangers turned friends, and now family.
Gus and Daisy manage to not rip each other to shreds. Penelope dances around all of us, laughing and singing with the new mini karaoke machine I got her. (You’re welcome, Miller.)
We order Chinese take-out, and I don’t remember The Little Red Dragon’s crab rangoons ever tasting so good, but that just might be due to Miller saving the last one for me specifically because he remembered they’re my favorite.
I send everyone home with leftovers. Margot, Sawyer, and Melanie—who’s staying in Margot’s cottage—stay to help clean up despite my protests.
Penelope cuddles up in her favorite corner booth with the Swiftie blanket Daisy had custom made for her, and falls asleep before any of us even have a chance to wish her goodnight.
Half of the flowers in her braid have fallen out but she’s still covered in glitter and tulle from the dress I’m convinced we’re going to have to bribe her to get off.
To me, it’s the sign of a perfect birthday.
My heart is full, so full that it feels heavy.
Miller locks the door behind our last guests. The clock on the wall says it’s after 11:00 p.m., and the exhaustion feels like it’s about to hit. I finish tying up the last trash bag to bring to the dumpster on my way out.
“Gwen, I don’t have words for what you did today.” His voice almost knocks me out. It’s low and gravely and…strained? I turn my head to see he has a hand rubbing his chest, like there’s a pain there he’s trying to settle.
Melanie’s words about how I have the option to not run away just because I’m scared play in my head. She’s probably right, and most would agree with her. But taking that next step, actually acknowledging what is growing between Miller and me, feels so dangerous.
I’ve already lived through an implosion.
I don’t know if I’d survive another one.
Adding the complexities of Penelope heightens my fears.
It has nothing to do with love. I already know everything I feel for that girl is unconditional and strong.
But the thought of not getting to be a fixture in her life, throwing away that stability for something that might very well be temporary… I just don’t know.
I miss who I was when I was sure of myself and every decision I made. I miss the blind trust in myself, before I knew what it meant to lose it all. Like, when I was seventeen, and I thought I knew in my heart of hearts Dean Fitzgerald was the man I was going to marry.
Sometimes I wish I asked myself a few more follow up questions to that knowledge like “But is he the guy you should marry?” or “Will you stay married?”
It probably would have saved me a lot of time and helped me avoid the doubt that now clouds every thought I have now, doubt that feels like it doesn’t deserve to be here, but unfortunately still is.
I didn’t want to do this tonight. I wanted tonight to only be fun.
“This morning can’t happen again.” The words fall out of my mouth before I think better of it.
Miller nods. “I…Yeah, no, it can’t. Wait, which part?” He takes a few steps closer.