80
EMERSYN
The pressure built up inside until I thought I was going to explode with it. My father took a step toward me, the words I’d said cut him—I could see the hurt in his eyes.
“I know—” He said.
“No,” I cried out. “You don’t know! You have no idea what I went through—”
It was a flood. I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t want to.
“All of this is your fault—” My vision blurred, and I angrily dashed at the tears that made the forest smudge. “You’re the reason I had to grow up without a mom, without my twin—without a father—”
The pain on his face was excruciating. He took another step as the grief warred with the anger in his eyes at the unfairness of it all.
“You don’t think I know that?” He ground out through clenched teeth.
“I had to live with that—with how I failed the three of you—for sixteen years. I had to think you were dead twice, Emersyn. Twice!” He took another step, and I took one back.
Tears blurred my vision again, and the hurt on his face mingled with fury.
“I had to hurt you,” he said in a voice raspy with anguish. “I—I had to fucking hurt you—” he choked, and I watched as his eyes grew wet with emotions he stubbornly held at bay. My shoulders shook and a sob escaped. I slapped a hand over my mouth, but I couldn’t stop.
“How can I ever ask you to forgive me for that,” my father rasped. “How can I ever forgive myself for that?”
His voice shook with the hurt I saw written all over his face.
This man was looking at me like even though I was right in front of him, I was farther away than ever before.
I saw the regret, the anguish, the fear that he’d found me, but maybe it was too late, and I was still gone from him forever.
He looked like he was a man who’d lost his daughter too many times to come back from.
The vulnerability was shocking. This was the father I remembered.
This was the man who would play games with me and Cole and let us win; this was the man who would make up different versions of Little Red Riding Hood because he knew I didn’t like the traditional way.
This was the man I used to cuddle up to and believe that nothing bad in the world could touch me when I was in his arms.
And yet—
He was still a stranger.
The vastness of the chasm between us was what made me completely break down.
“I was brave for you,” I cried. “And you left me—you left me—I was terrified—” I couldn’t finish the words before my breath was stolen, and I gave up trying.
My father made a pained sound and took a step forward then stopped, like he wanted to bridge the gap but couldn’t. Then I heard a growled curse and he closed the distance. He gently held my face in his hands.
“I know you were brave, Em,” he said, his voice shook as he fought to get the words out.
“And I will never be able to forgive myself for what you went through because I wasn’t there.
But, I want you to know, I never stopped loving you.
The day I found out you were alive—again—was both the worst and most hopeful day of my life.
I couldn’t believe it, I had another chance—but I knew—” he had to pause as his words got lost. “I knew I’d failed you again—I thought you were dead so I didn’t look for you—I didn’t look for you, and you were alive! ”
He ground out the last few words, and anger ignited in his eyes.
“What you must have gone through—all while I could have been looking for you—I’ll never forgive myself for that.
But baby—” his grip tightened and his words forced their way through the emotions in his voice.
“I may have failed as a father, but you never stopped being my little girl, and I will spend however long I have left on his earth making it up to you.”
My father’s arms wrapped around me. I wanted to push him away, I was still so angry—
“I’m so sorry, Emersyn,” he said, his voice more broken than I’d ever heard it.
He kept muttering the same thing, his breathing harsh and ragged. I sobbed harder at his words, and I couldn’t hold out any longer. I grabbed him and collapsed into his embrace. He broke down in silent tears, but the strength of his arms never wavered.
“I love you so much, Em,” he murmured, his voice barely stronger than a whisper. “Doubt me all you want—but never doubt that.”