Chapter 46
CHAPTER 46
Rainey
Ugh, what a night. We were at full capacity, so every nurse on staff had three laboring ladies a piece. All three of mine gave birth during my twelve-hour shift, so I had to stay an extra hour just to catch up on my charts. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Doctors get all the glory, but nurses are the ones that do most of the work. I grab my purse and head down to the parking garage, fantasizing about crawling into bed and crashing for at least ten hours. I remember my phone battery was low when I clocked in, so I pull it out of my purse to charge it during the drive home. I was so busy I never got a chance to pull it out during my shift, let alone plug it into a charger.
I frown when I see two voicemails from Brody, timestamped early this morning. That damn man’s persistence makes avoiding him really difficult. The irony is that I don’t even want to avoid him. But I don’t want to dig into the heavy conversation he’s been trying to have either. You probably think I’m a bitch for doing this to him—he certainly hasn’t done anything to deserve it—but self-preservation has a funny way of controlling your actions. Things with Brody got super intense, super-fast, so I’m trying to deal with that. And after the other night, it just got that much worse. As strange as it sounds, considering all the butt stuff that occurred, Brody and I made love that night. It’s too much. He’s too much.
When I proposed this arrangement, I thought I was getting a really hot Peter Pan with a big dick. I truly didn’t think I’d have any trouble keeping feelings out of it. In retrospect, I should’ve seen this coming. The truth of the matter is there’s a certain type of man I’ve always gravitated toward. And Brody is that type: Charming, intelligent, playful, sex-on-a-stick. One thing I learned, though, is with those types of men, it never takes too long before their eyes and their dicks, start to wander. I’ve been cheated on in every single relationship I’ve ever been in. I actually went out with Adam because he was the exact opposite of my normal guy and look how well that turned out. As you can probably imagine, my past has made me cautious…and maybe a bit jaded.
I didn’t want anything serious with Brody. It was supposed to be fun for a while and that’s it. Who knew he could be so thoughtful, and attentive, and… perfect . I’ve seen glimpses of Brody’s serious side before, but I always assumed they were few and far in between. I have to keep reminding myself that all relationships are good in the beginning. That he’s just like the others, and if I give him my heart, he’ll stomp all over it once the newness wears off.
I take a deep breath and press play on the first message. I smile when he begins to ramble—clearly, he was a bit intoxicated. Oh, boy, this is going to be interesting . My smile quickly falls when he gets to the point and tells me he loves me—that he doesn’t want anyone other than me. Goddamn him! I can’t believe he dropped the L-bomb over a drunken voicemail!
The first message runs so long, he gets cut off mid-sentence, but he picks up right where he left off with the second. I’m fucking terrified when he tells me he wants me to have his babies. I get downright furious when he admits we’ve been exposed. Who in the hell does he think he is? He can’t just leave me a fucking voicemail saying all this shit!
Fuck! Why did he have to do this? Why couldn’t he be happy with what we had? Why did he have to force the issue?
Why did he have to ruin this ?
I don’t even think. I just drive until I’m pulling into the underground parking to Brody’s building. I have so many emotions running through me as I stomp up to his apartment, I don’t even know what I came here to say. I wipe my tears away and pound on his door until I can hear him shuffling around inside.
He looks like death warmed over as he opens the door, but my hoo-ha still wants some action. Down, you horny bitch!
“Hey.” He clears the gruffness from his voice. “What are you doing here so early?”
I force my way through the door. He closes it behind me and looks at me expectantly. I don’t even know where to start.
“ You’re an asshole !” Okaaay, I guess that’s one way.
He blinks a few times. “Huh?”
“Why did you have to fuck everything up, Brody?” I push his chest to emphasize my point. “Why couldn’t you leave it alone?”
He holds one hand up and pinches the bridge of his nose with the other. “ Just hold on a second, will you ? I’m still trying to wake up. I had a lot to drink last night. It’s going to take me a sec to figure out why you’re acting like such a crazy pants right now.”
“ Crazy?! I’m not crazy! You’re the one who’s crazy!”
“Says every crazy person ever,” he mutters.
I start pacing around his foyer. “Why’d you do it, Brody? Why’d you say those things to me?”
It takes him a minute, but I can see the moment his hangover fog clears.
“Ah…I see you got my voicemails.”
“ Oh, I got ’em, all right !”
He rubs a hand over his hair before lifting his chin and looking me straight in the eye. “What do you want me to say here, Rainey?”
“Oh, I think you’ve said enough. Don’t you?”
“I’m not going to apologize for it, if that’s what you’re looking for.”
I glare at him. “Brody, you don’t tell someone you love them and want to spend the rest of your life with them on a voicemail!”
He mirrors my expression. “It’s not like you gave me much of a choice with all of your avoidance. It needed to be said, Rainey.”
“ No, it didn’t !”
“ And why the hell not? Please, tell me why the fuck it’s so difficult for you to hear?”
I throw my hands up in frustration. “Because this isn’t what I signed up for!”
“Well, too bad!”
“ Too bad ? That’s all you have to say?”
“I fucking need coffee for this,” he murmurs .
I follow him as he heads toward the kitchen and pops a pod in the Keurig. I get the feeling he’s choosing his words carefully because he’s completely silent as it brews. The only sound in the room is the coffee percolating and my foot tapping impatiently on the tile floor.
I wait until he takes his first sip. “Is your break over yet? Are you ready to have an adult conversation?”
He ignores my jibe and takes another sip before speaking. “Look. That’s not the way I wanted to tell you everything—I can’t imagine how jumbled my speech was considering my state of drunkenness at the time. But I was fully cognizant , Rainey. I meant every single word . I won’t take them back. And if you’d be honest with yourself, you’d see you don’t want me to.”
“So, you’re a mind reader now?”
He sighs. “Rainey?—”
I panic when he attempts to cross over to the other side of the kitchen where I’m standing. “Stay right there, mister! I can’t think straight when you’re close to me.”
Brody rolls his eyes but remains where he is. “Shouldn’t that tell you something? I consume you. Just like you do to me.”
“ I don’t want this , Brody. I didn’t sign up for anything this intense.”
“What are you so fucking afraid of?”
That you’ll break me .
“I’m not afraid,” I lie.
He crosses his arms over his beefy chest. “Really? Because it sure as hell looks that way to me. You’re fucking terrified , Rainey. And I get it. Adam fucked with your head. But I’m not Adam .”
“Not just Adam,” I mutter.
His eyebrows pinch together. “What? ”
I jut my chin out. “I said, not just Adam . I’ve been in four serious relationships, and every single one ended the same way. Adam was definitely the worst, but he wasn’t the only one who cheated. They all did . It’s what guys like you do.”
His jaw clenches. “ Guys like me ? What does that mean?”
“Hot guys.” I wave my hand up and down, gesturing to his body. “Cocky guys. Guys who are charming as hell and can easily hook a woman. Guys who like variety—perfectly happy having a new woman in their bed every night. You’re like wild mustangs—gorgeous creatures that are restless and almost impossible to tame. I’ve been trampled enough times to learn from my mistakes, Brody.”
“So, that’s what I am? A mistake ?” He swallows hard.
I stare at my feet and nod. “Yes.”
He paces back and forth for a few beats before his feet come to a stop right in front of me.
“Rainey, look me in the eye and say that.”
I shake my head. “No.”
Brody pinches my chin between his thumb and forefinger, prompting me to raise my head. “Look me in the fucking eye and tell me you don’t love me. That I’m nothing more than a fuck to you. That I was a mistake .”
I brace myself for what I’m about to do. I need to get through this without crying so he’ll believe me.
I look him straight in the eye. “ I don’t love you, Brody . This whole thing was a mistake.”
He doesn’t even try masking the pain. He wants me to see it. He wants me to take it back, but I can’t. Not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t . I can’t give him the words he wants—even though I do love him—because I can’t give him that power over me. I don’t think I could ever recover from Brody breaking my heart, so I have to end this before it gets any worse .
He releases my chin and steps back. “You know what, Rainey? Fuck you —I don’t need this shit. You’ve been looking for a way out since this began. You’d rather be miserable and alone than take a chance on loving someone. You’re lying to yourself and to me when you claim you don’t return my feelings. You’re a fucking coward , hiding behind your excuses and assumptions. Clearly, I’m not the guy who’s going to break through your impenetrable wall. I actually feel sorry for the next dumbass who tries.”
I jump when he grabs his mug off the counter and chucks it against the wall. “Fuck!” His nostrils flare as he stares at the brown liquid dripping down the wall. “I know when to cut my losses, Rainey. I’m done trying. Don’t worry about running into me around our friends. I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen. I don’t even want to fucking look at you, let alone be in the same room with you.”
I bite my tongue to hold back the sob in my throat. His words cut deeply, but they’re completely justified. I almost tell him I didn’t mean a word and beg him to forgive me, but instead, I say, “Goodbye, Brody.”
I’m barely out the door before the flood of tears begins.