Chapter Twenty-Nine
It was March of Eliza’s sophomore year in high school when Jack had called her and Scott into the living room to talk. Eliza had immediately gone cold and started to shake. She glanced at Scott, whose face was impassive. He was holding himself so tightly, she could barely see that he was breathing?—and then she noticed the tic of the vein in his jaw.
Laura had been on the couch, her skinny legs tucked under her, her birdlike arms wrapped around her middle. She was always chilly these days, with no fat on her for insulation. Jack sat beside her and put his large hand over her tiny ones. It almost looked like that alone could break her.
“We met with your mom’s care team today,” Jack had begun. “The new treatment isn’t working as they’d hoped. We always knew it was a long shot.”
Eliza looked at Laura, who was glassy-eyed.
“So what are they going to do next?” Eliza asked, her eyes bouncing from one parent to the other when neither replied. The only sound was the noise Scott made in his throat.
Finally, Jack sighed. “There’s nothing else to do.”
“What do you mean, there’s nothing else to do?” Eliza’s voice rose. “There’s got to be something else.” But even as she said the words, she knew they weren’t true, and tears were already rolling down her face.
Laura reached out a hand to her, her icy fingers gripping Eliza’s with more strength than they looked capable of. “I’ve fought as hard as I can fight. I’m so tired.”
Eliza pulled her hand away. “What do you mean you’re tired? Are you giving up? Can’t you keep trying with the new treatment?” Her voice was shrill.
Laura blinked slowly before replying. “Liza. Scott. If I thought there was an iota of hope that it would work, I’d keep going. But there’s been no change. And I want whatever time I have left to be about being with you. Not about more doctors’ visits. Or about more treatments that make me feel worse and don’t do a thing to stop the damn cancer.”
Jack nodded. “This hasn’t been an easy decision. But it’s the right thing. The doctors agree, too.”
Eliza was suddenly filled with rage. “The doctors! What do the doctors know? They’re supposed to be able to help people! Not make them sicker!”
“Enough, Eliza.” Jack’s voice was unyielding.
She jumped up, unable to sit still. “But how can we...”
Scott stood beside her. “Liza. Enough.” He took her elbow and nearly dragged her from the room, pulling her upstairs and into her bedroom. He shut the door behind them and sat her down on the bed.
“Liza. You have to stop.”
“But, Scott...” She looked up at him, and realized the tears in her own eyes were mirrored in his. All the fight went out of her, and she just cried.
That was the day she’d learned that things don’t always just “work out.” That doing everything the right way doesn’t mean anything. The day she learned to bottle it all up. Keep it inside so it didn’t spill over and hurt other people. And the day she had learned that needing anyone was a recipe for inexorable pain.
Now, as she waited for Josh to arrive, she couldn’t help but think about those weeks she’d tried so hard to... not forget, exactly, but to not dwell on. Ross said he’d wanted to come visit Laura when she was sick. What if he had? Would Laura have told her who he was?
The buzzer interrupted her thoughts, and she pressed the button to release the downstairs door to let Josh in. She glanced around her apartment, realizing she’d done nothing to straighten it up, and down at herself, still in the V-neck maroon sweater and black pants she’d been wearing when she sat on the elevator floor that morning. How was that only this morning?
She opened the front door in time to see Josh coming down the hall from the elevator. His eyes were on his phone, but he looked up as he got closer. “Hey, E. How are you doing?”
She shrugged and stepped back so he could enter, wondering if he’d hug her. She wasn’t sure if she wanted him to or not. When he didn’t, she figured it was for the best. Better not to blur those lines.
“Can I get you anything? I don’t know what I have.” She opened the refrigerator door again. The shelves didn’t contain anything new since she’d looked a half hour earlier. She could feel Josh standing behind her, and he rested his hand on her shoulder.
“I’m fine. Come sit down.”
She curled up in one corner of the sofa; he sat in the opposite corner. For a moment they were silent, and she picked up the end of her braid and pulled the hair tie off, absently unweaving and reweaving the strands of hair.
“E? What’s going on in your head? What happened?”
Her eyes filled, and she blinked rapidly to stop the tears from leaking out. “It was awful.”
She explained how Ross had seen the family photo and she’d been forced into telling him the whole story. “He was so angry .”
Josh’s face looked almost as thunderous as Ross’s had. “What a prick. I mean, I get that this was a big shock for him. But he shouldn’t take it out on you.”
A small part of Eliza couldn’t help but feel something warm and fuzzy at Josh’s anger on her behalf. “I don’t know what I expected.” She paused and continued to undo her braid, combing her fingers through her long, tangled hair. “I’ve had two months to get used to this idea?—it came out of nowhere for him. But I guess part of me thought he might be at least a little happy. I mean, presumably he cared about my mom, at least once upon a time.”
Josh shifted a little closer to her. “You can’t take it personally. You’re right, he wasn’t expecting this when he woke up this morning. And, to be fair, it has been a long time since he was with your mom.”
Eliza managed a half smile. “Are you saying I’m old?”
“You know that’s not what I mean.”
“I know.” She paused. She hadn’t told anyone about reading Laura’s diary. Not even Aunt Claude, who was the only person who knew it existed. “My aunt found my mom’s diary from back when they were together.”
Josh’s eyebrows reached toward his hairline. “Wow.”
“I know, right? I feel bad reading it?—obviously she never expected anyone to see it.”
“Don’t beat yourself up like that. She’s the one who got you into this...” His voice trailed off.
“This mess. You can say it. You’re right. Anyway, it turns out they never slept together back then.”
“How long were they together?”
“I’m not totally sure. My mom wasn’t much of a diary writer. But they were together a couple years in high school. He dumped her over holiday break their freshman year of college.”
“Do you know why?”
“He said he was a ‘bad boyfriend,’ whatever that means. That they wanted different things in life.”
Josh cocked his head to one side. “Wanting different things doesn’t make him a bad boyfriend.”
“What do I know? They were kids. Eighteen years old. How does anyone know what they want in life at that age? I don’t know what I want now .” She shook out her hair and wound it up on top of her head, securing it with a hair tie. His eyes followed her movements. “I’m sorry. I play with my hair way too much.”
He laughed. “Hey, if I had that much hair, I’d probably play with it, too.” He rubbed his hand across his face. “You know, I actually could use something to drink.”
She started to rise, and he stopped her.
“I’m sure I can find my way. Do you want something?”
“Maybe just some water. There’s a pitcher in the fridge.”
He went into her little kitchen and easily found a couple of tall glasses in a cabinet. It was so weird, after all these years, to see him making himself comfortable in her apartment. She reminded herself not to get used to it.
She took the glass he offered her upon his return and had a long swallow. Then she pulled her legs out from under her and swung her feet up onto the couch. He sat back in his corner and drank from his own glass before putting it down on the coffee table.
“So what now?” he asked. “I mean, with Ross?”
She sighed. “I don’t know. I think the ball’s in his court. We’re going to have to work together, either way.” She updated him regarding the gala and their ongoing collaboration.
“Maybe he just needs some time to adjust.”
“Maybe.” But she knew what Laura had written in her diary. The part she hadn’t shared?—that Ross wasn’t sure he ever wanted kids. True, he’d been a teenager when he said that. And it wasn’t like she was a kid anymore. She rotated her ankles and arched her back. It felt like every stress of the day had lodged itself in her muscles. In muscles she hadn’t even known she had.
“And what about Scott? Have you told him what’s going on?”
She shook her head. “Maren basically told me to leave him out of it.”
Surprise crossed his face. “Really?”
“Yeah. She was really talking about the situation with Carol and the will?—but she made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want to deal with my problems right now. Or can’t deal with them. And I get it. He’s grieving and can’t be expected to take care of me all the time.” The words stung as she said them.
Josh picked up one of her feet and gently began to rub it, seemingly absentmindedly. “That doesn’t sound right. I don’t think he’d want you to shut him out.”
She was distracted by the foot massage. Is this weird? She looked at him, but he appeared lost in thought, gazing at the opposite wall, so she pulled herself back to the conversation. “Well, that’s what Maren said. And I know I haven’t exactly been easy.”
“Stop being so hard on yourself, E. You’ve been through a lot.” He paused his foot rub. “And when it comes to your relationships with people, you have to decide for yourself what’s right. If you want to talk to Scott, talk to him. Let him tell you to leave him out of it, if that’s what he wants.”
“I guess.” But even as she said it, she doubted she’d be calling Scott anytime soon. Other than his birthday, the last time they’d spoken he’d stood up and left the dining room table to get away from the conversation. Josh’s thumbs felt good on the instep of her foot, and her eyes fluttered closed. She was just so tired, and she could probably just put her head back and fall asleep. As her mind floated, she wondered what his touch would feel like if it moved up her calf, to that sensitive spot behind her knee, and then... Her eyes popped open and she pulled her foot away from him, feeling a blush rising up her face. “That tickles!”
“Oh, sorry. Didn’t mean to.” Josh shifted back into the far corner of the sofa.
Didn’t mean to. Exactly. As she’d suspected.
“It’s fine. No worries.” She folded her legs beneath her again. “I really appreciate you coming over. It’s good to have someone to talk to.” Her voice sounded stiff and formal.
He looked at her for a long moment. “Of course. Anytime.”