Chapter 31 #2
"Therapy is a start. But I need more than that." I take a deep breath. "I need you to talk to me. Tell me when you're scared or upset or struggling. I don’t want you to just bottle it up until you explode or hide behind a screen."
"I swear I’ll do my best."
I take his hand, linking our fingers. "And no more secrets. No more lies. Not even little ones to protect my feelings or avoid conflict."
"No more secrets," he agrees. “That’s my normal motto.”
"And we need to figure out how to protect my job. If people find out about us, I'm the one who gets fired. You get a slap on the wrist. That power imbalance terrifies me."
"We'll talk to Juliet tomorrow and figure out how to disclose this properly so you're protected." His voice gets fierce. "If we can't make it work without putting your job at risk, I'll leave the team. Not you."
My eyes burn. "You'd do that?"
"Scout, I'd do anything for you. I just didn't know how to show you without being terrified of losing you." He shifts closer, hesitant. "I'm still terrified. But I'm more scared of losing you than I am of being vulnerable."
I study his face. There’s honesty there, with fear and hope warring in his eyes.
“All right, Si.” I suck in a long breath. Saying the words feels like jumping off a cliff. "If you're willing to be honest with me without hiding, I’m definitely willing to put in the effort. You’re worth it."
"I am." He reaches for my hand. "I'll spend every day proving it to you if you let me."
I let him pull me closer. His skin is still warm from the shower. He smells like soap and that cedar scent that's just him.
"Thank you," he whispers against my hair. "For not leaving. And for giving me a chance."
"I'm tougher than you think," I tell him. "Try to trust that I'm not going to run the first time things get hard."
He groans. "I hope there won't be a next time."
I pull back and look at him. "There absolutely will be. We're going to fight. We're going to have moments where we screw up and hurt each other. That's what relationships are."
"That sounds terrible."
"It's also normal. And it’s okay." I cup his face in my hands. "The question is whether we can fight and come back to each other. Can we be honest even when it's scary? Trust each other to stay?"
"I want to trust that. I want to believe you won't leave."
"Then practice." I kiss him softly. "Start small. Tell me one thing right now that scares you."
"I'm scared you'll wake up one day and realize I'm not worth the effort."
I slip my hand around the back of his neck, staring into that bright blue-gray gaze."I'm scared you'll decide being vulnerable is too hard and shut me out again."
Si’s lips twitch and he sighs heavily. "I'm scared I'll fuck this up so badly you'll hate me."
I whisper, "I'm scared I'll lose myself trying to fix you."
I lay my head against his chest and he cradles me, rocking in a soundless rhythm.
Eventually I stand and pull him up with me. "I'm going to make us dinner. Something easy. And you're going to help me without trying to take over the whole kitchen."
"I can do that."
We cook together, moving around each other carefully. Pasta and marinara, nothing fancy. He chops vegetables while I boil water. We don't talk about the heavy stuff anymore. We keep it light and easy. His practice. My conversation with Sable. What movie we should watch later.
It's ordinary and domestic and exactly what we need.
After dinner, we do dishes side by side. He washes, I dry. The domesticity is soothing and familiar. I never had this with Enzo.
"Can I sleep in your bed tonight?" I ask as I'm putting away the last plate.
His eyes widen slightly. "You want to?"
"Not for sex. Just… to be close. I've been cold sleeping alone the last two nights."
Si blurts out, "Yeah. Of course. Whatever you need."
I have to smile at that. At the core of his being, Si just wants to make me happy. I absolutely believe that. An echo of the past overwhelms me, reminds me that though we’ve grown up, we’re just two eighteen years olds, making eyes at each other and blushing.
I need to hold onto this feeling.
We lie in his bed in the dark. He's on his back, I'm curled against his side. His heartbeat is steady under my ear.
"I meant what I said," he murmurs. "I'll do whatever it takes to earn your trust back."
"I know." I press a kiss to his chest. "That's why I think we're going to make it."
"You really think so?"
"I really think so." I am sure, more sure than I've been about anything in a long time. Silas loves me enough to try. And I’m trying to love myself enough to demand honesty.
We're both willing to do the hard work.
"I love you," he whispers into the darkness.
"I love you too. Even when I'm mad at you."
"Especially when you're mad at me?" Although it’s dark, I can hear his smile.
I grin against his chest. "Don't push it."
He laughs softly and tightens his arms around me.
We fall asleep tangled together, our first night rebuilding a fragile trust that’s sturdier than we thought.