She’s Still Here
She’s Still Here
Varyn offered me his arm when we reached the castle courtyard.
“How did you know it was my birthday?”
“I just know things.” He was good at dodging the truth.
“You know that’s actually unsettling and not comforting.”
“I didn’t think you were the type to need comforting,” he teased with a half-grin that was all too confident.
I just stared at him, noting his still-outstretched arm, so I looped mine through it, and we continued walking. What was he trying to get at? He was definitely hiding something. I’d have to be careful around this male.
“What is it you think you know about me?” I asked.
“I think you’re protective, smart, resourceful, and troubled. I think you’re a survivor. And I think you’ve lived a life where you’ve had to be strong for a long time, and you don’t know how to be any other way.”
It felt as if the air had been squeezed out of the world, and I had been punched in the gut. I was hesitant to admit just how right he was, and the truth of his words gave me conflicting feelings.
“Am I wrong?” he asked when I couldn’t come up with anything to say.
“I…no, I think not.”
“You’ll learn, Naci, I’m rarely wrong.”
I rolled my eyes at his cockiness but fought a smile all the same—and lost.
We started down the row of brightly flowered trees we’d passed when we first came to Ashthorn, just as the sun was sinking below the horizon. It was a beautiful sight, and it amazed me how peaceful such a murderous place could look.
“One thing I don’t know, though,” Varyn continued. “You and your sister have different mothers? And it’s yours you’re looking for, not hers?”
“How—”
“You say ‘my’ mother, not ‘our’ mother.” He was perceptive—that was either highly endearing or highly dangerous.
He was the son of the cruel king after all, and I couldn’t rule out the fact that he may already be giving his father everything he already knew about me.
Then again, why would Varyn, let alone Caedryn, care about anything having to do with one little mortal?
I thought for a minute and decided it was safe to answer his question.
“Yes, we share the same father. But when my mother…left, Nella’s mother came into the picture.”
He stayed silent and let me say as much as I wanted.
“I don’t remember much about my mother.”
“Why did she leave?”
“I…I don’t know.” We were flirting with dangerous waters, getting close to the topic of the rebellion. “Our father never told me.”
He tightened his jaw. “I can tell when you lie, Naci.”
Oh my gods, was he an Umbrathren? I panicked. I needed an escape plan—coming to the castle had been a bad idea. How could I have been so stupid?
“Your forehead crinkles, just slightly. It’s your tell. I noticed it first on the rooftop. You should work on that if you want to survive the capital.”
So not an Umbrathren, just really perceptive.
I stopped walking. “Is that a threat?”
The prince turned to face me. “No, of course not. Just a fact. It’s a tough place for mortals. I’m just trying to help.” And then he winked.
I couldn’t figure him out, but I enjoyed flirting on the knife’s edge of danger and desire.
“Well, thanks, but no thanks. I don’t need your help.” I turned to head back to the castle, deciding to end this conversation on my terms, before I could let something slip that I shouldn’t.
“Hey.” I felt his hand close over mine, stopping me. “Look at me.”
I fought a flinch at the unexpected contact, but after a breath to compose myself, I turned to face him. His touch was warm and gentle.
“What do you see when you look at me?” he asked with sincere earnestness.
It was an odd question. Why did he care about what I saw? He was a fae prince, and I was a mangled mortal girl.
I searched his face, his dark-blue eyes reflecting the deep-red sky. I noticed…tension in the way the corners of his eyes were crinkled, his lips drawn in a straight line as he waited for my answer. Did he actually care what I thought of him, what I saw in him?
“I…”
“Stop hesitating when you speak. You sound like a cat’s got your tongue.”
I took a breath. “When I look at you, I see conflict. I see a desire to prove that you’re the good guy in a place full of bad people. And I see a facade. A mask. You hide behind your perceived wit.”
“Perceived? You wound me, Naci,” he said, pretending to be wounded, with a hand to his heart.
I waited nervously to see if I had crossed a line. All he did was stare into my eyes, unblinking.
I opened my mouth to apologize, but he spoke first.
“Don’t let anything change you, Naci. You’re perfect the way you are—scars and spark. All of it.”
I tried my best not to melt into a puddle at his words, so I swallowed. “You haven’t asked me how I got them.”
“You’ll tell me when you’re ready, when you trust me to tell me. And I can wait for that.” He was a viper with a silver tongue, currently making my heart do acrobatics. It felt like he saw me, really saw and understood me. And though I knew I shouldn’t, I was beginning to trust him.
Gods, I was a fool, and I knew it. It just felt so good to feel, to captivate someone.
“What is it you see when you look at me, Your Highness?”
He grinned at the formal title. Oh gods, was I flirting? With the prince?
“I see a beautiful and wild creature, so very different from everyone else around her. I see a woman with scars that don’t define her, a testament to her own resilience. She’s right here, now, looking back at me. She only needs the confidence to see it in herself.”
There weren’t words strong enough to tell him how much that meant to me. And how very much I wanted it all to be true.
When words finally came to me, I said, “You’re very kind, Varyn. Maybe one day I’ll see myself that way. And maybe one day you can take off your mask.”
He winked again. “How in the world would you recognize me then?” The grin was back, and as he raised my hand, still held in his, to his lips, I couldn’t help but think how complicated this male was.
Then he kissed my hand ever so gently, and I stopped thinking.
* * *
After Varyn walked me back, I slipped into the laundry ladies’ shared room. Nella was sitting on my bed, anxiously waiting for all the details.
I told her how he was charming, sarcastic, frustrating, and sweet all at once, to which she swooned—actually swooned.
“It means nothing, Nella. He’s a prince.” Gods, how I didn’t want that to be true.
And though I played it off, I laid in my bed that night replaying our walk over and over, trying to recall every detail of how he’d looked, reacted, spoken…smiled.
I was already letting my heart do the thinking, and I desperately needed to protect it. We were on a mission here in the castle. And so far, we hadn’t learned a damned thing. So I bottled up my feelings and thought through a plan.
* * *
The next morning, I held Nella back when the other ladies went to breakfast.
“I think it’s time we felt out Ott and Moe. But we need to be really careful about what we say. I’ve got a plan, and it requires your far superior acting skills.”
There was a glint in her eye, and I could see the hint of a proud smile. “Okay, I’m in. What should I do?”
I told her my plan and that we would do it after breakfast in the laundry room.
So we headed to our folding station without eating. I apologized profusely for making Nella miss breakfast—she missed the boy more than the food—and got to work folding the already enormous pile of linens.
The ladies came back from the dining hall, which meant it was go-time. I winked at Nella, and my stomach swooped, thinking of how the prince had winked at me twice the night before. Gods, I had been counting… I mentally shook myself. I needed to focus.
Nella gasped. “Oh, Naci, what an insane rumor! Wherever did you hear it?”
She nailed it. That was sure to get the attention of the gossips at the next folding station over.
And it did. Ott looked over at us with a raised brow.
“Nella, keep it down, or someone will overhear,” I said in a loud whisper.
Both Ott and Moe had stopped folding.
Perfect.
“Ladies, I couldn’t help but overhear”—Sure you couldn’t—“but Moe and I know all the castle gossip. I’m sure we could shed some light on the nature of this rumor you’ve heard...
if you wanted to share, of course. We swear we won’t tell,” Ott said as the two ladies walked over to our table hastily, looking greedy and ready to devour anything juicy, practically frothing at the mouth.
I gave Nella a pointed look to help sell the lie.
“Well, I heard talk of a…” Nella looked around dramatically. She was good. “A rebellion. Against our king.”
She paused, and we both looked at the ladies, holding our breath.
They looked at each other before leaning closer to us, tightening our circle.
“Oh yes,” Moe said quietly.
Nella and I feigned shock. My pulse quickened.
“It was said the king could be found pacing the upper east wing some nights, muttering to himself about it. Called them rebel scum and mortal filth. But that’s old news.
Nobody’s seen hide nor tail of the rebels since he beheaded their leader in Dolvenar Square some years ago, after a failed storm of the castle.
Left their head on a spike on the city wall for weeks afterward. ”
This time, my shock was genuine.
The rebellion was real. It wasn’t just a rumor. They existed.
But the rebel leader had been killed? My mind was reeling. If nobody had heard anything of them since, was there even a chance my mom was still with them? Had they disbanded or gone underground? There were so many questions and fears chasing each other around my mind that I barely heard Ott speak.
“But I wouldn’t go talking about that around the castle. It still gets the king’s knickers in a twist. It’s good you came to us!”
They put their heads together and started discussing some fae lord as they walked away, clearly bored with our outdated gossip.