Two Become One
I’d half expected Drayce to join me in bed that first night, but I woke the next morning alone to find him still at the table in the main cabin, looking over a map of Dolvenar with Kellan.
“Did you even sleep?” I asked him, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.
He looked as tired as I felt. “I didn’t. But I should have given you the captain’s quarters. I’m sorry.”
“I’m fine, really. Thank you, though. Coffee?”
“Please.”
I looked at Kellan, who nodded also, so I poured three cups after quickly lighting a flame in my hand and holding it under the pot to warm it back up. I set theirs in front of them and took the first delightful sip of mine.
“Bramick really does make the best coffee.”
He smiled. “You can thank his earth magic for that.”
As if summoned, the coffee maker himself entered the main cabin from his room, shortly after followed by Aerie. I liked it when it was just the five of us, like a fucked-up, trauma-bound family.
“Naci just reheated the coffee.”
“Bless you, fireball,” Aerie said before quickly pouring herself a cup, followed by Bramick.
“We have just under two weeks, ten days, I estimate, if we can keep wind in the sails round the clock.”
“On that note, I should go relieve Winslow. He’s been up there all night.” Aerie topped her coffee off and headed up to the deck.
Bramick sat down at the table. “What can I do, Dray?”
“Work with Naci and Sevrin on imbuing her blades. Once those are done, Naci, I want you and Sevrin to continue working on your shadow dampener. No pressure, but we could really use some of your shadow magic if all else fails. Kellan and I are finalizing our best path for the ground unit.”
Bramick and I both nodded, and when we finished our coffees, we headed to find Sevrin on the main deck after grabbing my blades from my room.
It didn’t take long to imbue the daggers with my fire—very little magic, as Drayce said. Now, when I wielded one, I could cast fire, and the blade would stay lit with flames. With just a thought, the fire would go out.
For my black sword, however, I wasn’t sure how to do it without fully unleashing the shadow beast. I’d still never used the dark magic outside of the few times I’d exploded.
“Let us try one last time to complete the dampener before attempting to imbue the sword.” Sevrin produced the black ring we’d been working on for months now.
I nodded and took the ring in my hand, reminding myself that the other ring was securely around my neck—should this go horribly wrong—to shut my magic down completely.
I didn’t want to fear my shadows anymore. And if they were the key to surviving this mission and protecting my own, then I would embrace them.
Suddenly, Sevrin’s “make friends” advice made sense. Embrace the shadows.
With a deep breath, I thought, I embrace the darkness within me.
There was a familiar laughter in my mind. I’d heard the beast laughing before, but only now was it clear enough to realize it was the sound of my own laughter.
Gods, the beast was me. All of it, it was just me and my own dark thoughts entrenched in shadow, manifesting. Festering.
Finally figured it out, have you?
My voice wasn’t exactly audible, like it was half thought, half speech in my mind, similar to speaking to Noxie. I couldn’t explain it, but I knew it was me. But, like, the dark part of me.
That’s precisely it. I am the dark side of you—the bitter, vengeful side fueled by hate and rage, your shadows given form.
Sevrin had said to befriend the beast, but if the beast was me, then maybe that meant accepting the dark and ugly parts of myself that I’d been running from.
I took another deep breath. There would be no shying away from my power this time. Alright, what do you want? I asked my shadow-self. Which felt weird. Even weirder that I was responding to myself too. Two voices, one mind.
What do I want? To be let out, for us to become one—a being of pure power and ruin.
I can’t let you do that. Not right now.
The more you leave me to fester in your heart, the stronger I become, you know. You’ll be forced to let me out at some point.
If I “let you out”, what will you do?
Just expend some of our power.
I didn’t like the airy, lighthearted way my shadows said that…
I will only agree to it if you leave me in control. I’d rather wear this magic-blocking ring the rest of my life and never use another ounce of magic than let you take over and hurt the ones I love.
Your lovey-dovey heart is a torturous prison for me, you know. You constructed these walls around that fragile thing, but it’s soft, deep down. Breakable. It’ll be your—our—downfall.
How, in the gods’ names, was I supposed to make peace with my inner demon when it insulted me?
I guess it really was me.
If I promise not to hurt the ones you love, will you let me out?
I swallowed hard, unsure whether this was a horrible idea. Sevrin and Bramick were staring at me, waiting.
“Get ready,” I said aloud.
They both stepped back a couple of paces, nodded, and assumed defensive stances.
I closed my eyes and held the dampener ring with its black glythyr glowing in one hand, intending to imbue it with my shadows, hoping it would act as the flicker did with fire magic.
With a final breath, I thought, if you promise, then I’ll let you out.
This thing was me after all. I knew, if nothing else, I could rely on myself to keep a promise.
I felt the shadows explode from me the way they had previously.
I threw my head back and my arms wide with the fiery explosion.
Flames erupted across my body once more, but this time the fire didn’t sear my veins.
The fire was firmly in my control. I just had to control the shadows the same way.
I opened my eyes to find I was hovering a couple feet above the ground.
I called the fire back to me, and once it receded, I felt only the cold, creeping shadows on my skin.
Closing the ring in my hand, I concentrated on the shadows flowing into it, but it was like trying to control a raging sea.
How do I control the shadows? I asked my other-self.
Looks of panic crossed Sevrin’s and Bramick’s faces, but they held their ground.
The shadow-me laughed again. You don’t, not in this form anyway.
This form? My heart raced when I realized—my vey form.
Are you saying my vey form can control them?
Change and find out.
I did not like shadow-me. Which, by itself, was ironic. She—I—was cryptic and taunting.
How?
Open your heart to the shadows, your vey will know what to do.
Are you…my vey form?
Other me just laughed again. Yes, and no. Let me out, Naci. It’s time for you to learn what we are.
Gods, I hated this. But I had to do it. This felt like my conscience was at war with my vengeful instincts. Two sides to the same coin, and I had to make a terrifying choice.
With the darkness swirling around me, I finally thought the thing I had been avoiding thus far.
I accept that there is a darkness within me.
The darkness came from caring. It came from the pain of losing, but it proves that I loved.
It is a part of me as much as the good side, and I want my light and dark, my good and bad, to exist together.
Because it makes me who I am, and I accept who that is, darkness and all…
So I choose my vey form. I choose my shadows.
My body turned cold and fluid. All fear melted away, replaced by a deadly calm. I looked down, seeing the world in shades of black and gray the way my left eye had seen since the cuffs came off, seeing the same magical glow, but it was the entirety of my vision.
I blinked a few times, getting used to the sudden darkness. My skin was black and incorporeal like a shadow given a body shape. I held up my empty hand to examine it, seeing it flutter in and out of existence. Despite seeming less than solid, my other palm still held the black ring.
I was pure shadow, surrounded by smoking tendrils, and I could call them back to me easily.
Suddenly, the thought of the dampener seemed laughable, so I let the ring drop to the deck.
My shadows knew not to harm the ones I love, but the quiet rage that sat under the surface, calculating, shot a tendril to wrap around Sevrin’s and Brennor’s necks, the blacksmith having joined us on the deck at some point, sneakily watching from the corner behind me.
“You are not loved ones,” I said in a demonic voice, not unlike Caedryn’s Pyrrath, which was only mildly surprising to me. I pulled them to me, dangling the males in the air in front of me by their throats, feeling their quickening, panicked pulses.
“You…need me,” Sevrin choked out.
The male had a point, and I wasn’t stupid, so I let him fall to the deck, where he scrambled back behind Bramick.
“And you, Brennor? Do you think I need you?” I could feel his blood pumping under my shadows, and the smell of fear coming off him was delicious and welcoming.
“I’m…sorry,” he ground out through his half-crushed windpipe. But then he did something idiotic. He took a swipe at my face. But flesh couldn’t touch shadow, not unless I wanted it to—his hand just passed right through me. His eyes grew wide, nearly popping out of his head.
I just smiled a wicked smile. “That didn’t seem very sorry to me.”
He tried to grapple with my shadow tendril around his neck but found there was nothing to grapple with. I could feel and touch with my shadow magic while it remained untouchable to others as I wished.
“Put him down, Naci. He’s a dick, but he’s not the enemy.”
I turned to find Drayce walking up the steps to the upper deck. I lifted Brennor higher and hung him over the rail above the sea as I glided toward Drayce, my shadows following like a grotesque train of a black, smoky shadow-made dress.
My shadows wouldn’t hurt him either, but I still felt the anger simmering in my heart.
“Do you want me now, Drayce? Now that you truly see me?” I taunted.
“Always. I want you in any way you’ll give me. But I need you to put him down first.”
“As you wish,” I laughed maniacally as I let go.