Chapter Forty
Millie
E verything falls. I'm tumbling over a cliff, the hard ground rushing to meet me even as my feet remain rooted to the spot. I cry out, my hand going to my mouth. My legs feel weak. My throat is dry like bone. I'm looking at the boy I love—his obsidian hair, the molten metal of his eyes, his broad shoulders. All so familiar, and now so alien. So lost to me.
“Millie, I …”
He takes a step forward, but I back away. The idea of him touching me, breathing the same air that I breathe, horrifies me.
“Get away from me!” I yell, moving backwards till I hit the metal blinds that cover the glass wall separating this office from the rest of the floor. From behind the desk, Lucius stands up, his eyes narrowing.
“Can you hear that? Someone's outside,” he murmurs, falling silent as he strains to hear.
I can't detect anything, but then my mind is focused solely on Jackson, on the potent blend of fear and regret darkening his face.
“You knew my name that night. I … I believed you when you said you'd overheard it. I knew you were lying deep down, but I didn't care. I wanted you so much.”
I still do.
The words break through the dark haze of my mind, making me want to throw up. Nothing is frightening me right now, not the end of the world or winged monsters, but the idea that there was still a part of me that still loved him despite everything. I couldn't bear it. I couldn't recognise that version of myself. I didn't want to. Needing to focus on something else, anything else, I turn away to look through a gap in the blinds at the abandoned desks, overturned chairs, the chunks of concrete hanging from the collapsed ceiling. The spiderweb cracks of light shatter the black matte walls. Somewhere, I think I can hear the crunch of heavy feet on the coarse carpet.
“Mate, we need to…” Lucius falls silent.
I hear the soft padding of footsteps as Jackson walks toward me.
“Millie … I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. I wanted to … I just knew you'd never forgive me.”
I lean my forehead on the cool glass, welcoming the pain as the metal blinds dig into my skin.
“You killed her, you took her from me …” My voice is coarse; the words burn my throat until I can't speak anymore.
“It was the plan. My job is to follow the plan.” His voice sounds pained, desperate.
“When it suits you.” I turn to face him. His body slumps at the look on my face. “You broke it when it didn't. You saved me, you broke the plan …”
“And now you can see what happens when the plan is ignored.”
I look away, tears burning in the corner of my eyes. There's a question on my lips, a question I can't avoid. Mum's face flickers behind my eyelids.
“Did you speak to her? What did she say?” My body goes still as I wait for his response.
Jackson swallows hard, and then his mouth curves into a sad smile.
“She was upset to leave you, worried about you.” His eyes are mournful, his voice low. “I wished it hadn't been her time, that you didn't have to suffer. I could see how much she meant to you, how much you meant to each other.”
The world is swaying. Light dances in front of my eyes as emotion overtakes me, filling my body and pumping through my veins. I'm exhausted, aching with tiredness to the marrow of my bones.
“You killed my mother, and then you let me fall in love with you …” My legs feel weak, and my hand presses on the glass for support.
“Guys …” Lucius rushes around the desk to stand next to me, peering through the blinds.
I turn around to join him, my fingers parting the metal strips. Faint black shapes move at the far end of the other room.
“They're here. The Death Wardens are here. Keep it down.”
Jackson takes another step forward. Slowly, I turn back around to meet him. In the distance, I can hear the cracks as more of the building tumbles and smell smoke and fear in the air. But I can also hear him breathing and smell the deep richness of his scent. At the end of the world, my senses are full of him.
“Millie, I wanted to … I tried to keep away, but you …”
“Don't, just don't.”
Jackson stops dead.
“Don't you dare blame this on me. You think I would have wanted any of this if I'd known who you were, what you did?”
“Millie …”
“You saw me, you saw a girl shattered by grief, and you thought what? That what she really needed was a boyfriend? I needed my mum. That's who I needed, not you.”
“They're coming this way! Keep it down.” Lucius hisses through clenched teeth, looking at me desperately.
Jackson nods to him, taking another step toward me.
“I know what I did. I know how terrible it is. I just … from the moment I saw you, I felt something, like recognition, like … like I knew what we were to each other from that first moment. When I saw you at Worship, I should have walked away; I know that. And I tried to keep away from you, believe me, but I was already in love with you. And too selfish to stop you from falling in love with me.”
Jackson is barely inches in front of me now, my back still pressed against the glass. He's close enough that I can feel the heat of him. I could reach out, feel his heartbeat under my fingers. My eyes are stinging with tears, my body weak.
“I know I can't make you understand why I did what I did. And I know you'll never forgive me.” He swallows hard, looking down at the ground. “I can undo it, all of it. When I get the device … I can change it so we never meet. You'll never know me.”
I laugh. It's a bitter, poisonous sound. I feel like the ground is crumbling under my feet.
“And won't that be a convenient way to cleanse your conscience? Make it so like it never happened. Take the easy way out.”
Lucius groans and storms in between us.
“I've had enough of this. I'm sorry, but you two need to be quiet. If the Death Wardens find us, it's all over. Got it?” He snaps, his eyes flitting between the two of us darkly. He rushes back to the window on the door, staring again through the small gap.
Our eyes never leave each other, but Jackson and I fall silent. I try to look away, dragging my eyes from his face. Trying not to let the sorrow that coats his features seep through my wall of anger and hurt, but I can't stop it. As always, Jackson has a way of getting under my skin, of burying himself deeply in my heart.
“Shit! They're coming this way.”
I turn back to the glass. Right outside are a dozen guards, all carrying intimidating-looking weapons. All in black.
Exhaling, I close my eyes. The knot in my stomach turns to steel as I realise what needs to be done. There is a whole world falling apart, and that's bigger than me, bigger than my rage. Bigger than my grief. I've followed Jackson blindly through this strange world of gods and monsters. I won't walk through it with my eyes closed anymore.
“Use the ring. Find your machine. Put a stop to all this. Understood?”
Jackson frowns, his mouth opening and closing tightly as confusion slowly shifts to understanding.
I move away, wiping hot tears from my eyes. I walk to the door, my hand gripping the handle. Lucius gives me a look of confusion that moves swiftly into understanding. And then he nods. He backs away from the door, and I pull. Jackson rushes towards me.
“Millie, what are you …” I turn quickly back to him, however angry I may feel, I don't know what's going to happen, and I need another moment just to look at his face. My hand reaches up and touches the warm skin of his jaw. I feel the dusty ash under my fingertips, the faint stubble. Lucius moves towards him, his arms going tightly around Jackson's shoulders as he pulls him to behind the desk.
“Get off me! What are you doing?”
With Jackson restrained, Lucius yells at me.
“Go! Now.”
Realising what I'm about to do, Jackson fights harder. Lucius slams him onto the desk, pressing him down hard into the wood. Jackson twists his head towards me, his eyes wild with fear.
I walk out of the office, closing the door quickly behind me. The Death Warden's marching towards us stops dead in front of me. They're clad head to toe in black armour, their faces concealed in skull helmets. I'm sure they're not made of actual bones, but it certainly looks like it.
“Hi guys, have you seen Jeanette? I've just checked her office, but she's not there. I have a message for her from the … lost soul team.” I have no idea if what I've said makes sense, but it sounds like corporate office speech—when that office is in the business of death. “Look, can one of you help me? It's urgent I find her right now.”
They say nothing, and I try not to look too nervous. I walk towards them, trying to look as ignorant as possible. I smile sweetly, my cheeks aching with the effort.
“Are you going to help me or what?” I put my hands dramatically on my hips.
There are six of them, all standing in a row, just staring at me. Finally, I hear the crackle of a radio, and one of them lifts the small black box to the thin line of their mouth.
“We've got her.” One moves towards me, grabbing my arm before I have time to move away, wrenching it hard behind my back.
“Hey! What are you doing? I'm talking to you … hey!”
My heart pounds as the rest charge into the office. I hear the bangs of furniture being overturned and blinds being ripped off walls. The Death Warden that holds me stares down at my face. His only flesh visible is his mouth, twisted into a sneer. I glare at him and turn away. One of the five walks out, shaking his head. The one holding me straight away uses his free arm to talk into the radio.
“No sign of him, but we're bringing her to you now.”
Still painfully tugging my arm back, I'm led away from the office, the rest of the Death Warden's thundering footsteps behind me. I don't know where they're taking me, and I'm too tired to be afraid. I bite my lip and close my eyes, making a small wish that this stupid thing I've just done will lead us one step closer to ending all this.