Chapter 15 #2
“She was my first love,” he continues.
This can’t be good.
“And my first kill,” he finishes.
Yeah. That’s what I was afraid of. I squeeze my eyes shut, sorrow swelling in my chest for the shy girl in the sketch. And for Devon too, clearly still mourning her loss. He seemed so adamant about how he fed and not hurting people … this has to be why.
I open my eyes and shift slightly on the bed to face him. “Devon, you don’t have to talk about this.” I hold out the sketchbook.
But he pushes it back toward me. “No. I need to. You need to understand what—” He cuts himself off, shaking his head. “You have a right to know.” He runs a hand through his hair, the messy curls tangling around his fingers.
But his gaze is fixed on a distant corner of the room, as if he can’t look at me while speaking.
“We were fifteen. She sat in front of me in three of my classes. Alphabetical order by last name.” His mouth curves in a small smile.
I blink, surprised. That sounds so … normal for someone who’s been going on about being raised in the world of the Old Ones.
“We talked every day. About school, homework, astronomy, space. She wanted to be an astrobiologist. She was convinced that there was life somewhere else and she wanted to prove it, even if it was like a bug or a bacteria or something. She was … interesting.”
It’s not your fault. But I know he won’t believe it any more than I would. I settle for resting my hand briefly on his shoulder.
“I wanted her, of course I wanted her. I was in love with her. And she was in love with me.” He clears his throat.
“I thought. I didn’t know then how powerful I could be without trying, without meaning to.
I knew I needed to feed, that I could influence humans, but I didn’t realize that I could create a cycle with one, making us dependent on one another. ”
He blinks rapidly, green eyes bright with unshed tears.
“It was, uh, years before I understood. We were seniors, and it became clear something was wrong. She, she was confused all the time, disoriented. She would forget to go to class, to get up in the morning. She lost interest in everything except spending time with me.”
Didn’t you know? Couldn’t you tell? The questions are on the tip of my tongue, but I swallow them back.
Because I know from terrible experience that it’s easy to think you’ve got it under control, to not realize that your grip is slipping.
People faint, throw up all the time. It’s the heat or bad turkey sandwiches, not me.
But as your power grows, so does your need for control. And sometimes, the power gets there ahead of you. I … did not have many friends in middle school or even the first couple of years of high school, while I was still working it out.
As Missy Banks once told me in middle school, “I don’t know, it’s just I feel like shit every time I’m around you.”
Hard to get sleepover invites and homecoming dates when that’s your rep.
“I tried to pull back, repeatedly. I found other people to meet my needs, even though it upset her.” Devon’s throat works audibly.
“I fucked up. I took this bright, beautiful girl, and I destroyed her.” He scrubs his hands against his jeans as if wiping away a substance that just will not come clean.
“When I realized that pulling back wasn’t helping, I cut Amelia off completely.
I broke up with her, I thought … I thought I was freeing her.
That she would eventually recover.” He draws in a deep breath.
“Instead, she tied weights around her ankles and wrists and then jumped into her parents’ pool in the middle of November. ”
I suck in a sharp breath. “Oh my God.”
“She slipped under the pool cover.” His voice is flat, dull. “We didn’t find her for three days.” He reaches up and pulls a slender gold necklace out from under the collar of his T-shirt. The name “Amelia” is written in delicate swirling script. “She was still wearing this, my gift to her.”
I flinch. Instinctively, I reach out and grasp his other hand, holding tight.
His gaze catches on our hands and then moves up to my face. “So, when you’re asking why I’m here, why any of this matters to me, this is why.”
Shame heats my face. Of course it matters. Even if it’s just finding someone who can understand what you’ve been through. But I suspect that’s not what’s going on here.
“Because when my parents found out about Amelia, what I’d done, they told me they were proud of me.” He bites off each word, with a ferocious grin that is more of a baring of teeth. “They couldn’t wait to tell the Elders.”
“The … elders,” I repeat slowly.
“My parents were … are members of Aphrodite’s Family. Are you familiar with it?”
“That’s real?” I ask before I can stop myself.
Aphrodite’s Family has been called many things. A fringe religious sect. A cult. A commune.
To me, they sound more like a weird militia-type organization, like doomsday preppers mixed with free love hippies. They have a base camp, a compound, somewhere in the woodsy part of western Michigan, not far off the lake.
I’ve only ever heard of them thanks to my relentless Google searches on all things possibly Old Ones in my earlier years.
It led me to some seriously sketchy websites.
The one that talked about Aphrodite’s Family also had a whole section about how the moon was actually a giant spaceship and one day the aliens would emerge. So, yeah.
“Aphrodite’s Family are focused on creating a dominant force among the Old Ones, an army of Love,” Devon says, as if he’s reading from a pamphlet. “A revolution without violence. Our heritage is the key to subjugating all humans and creating a new world order with Lust as the preeminent culture.”
Well, that would be the doomsday part, I guess. “I don’t know, is that even … possible?” Lust is one of the most prolific procreators among the Old Ones, but to have the level of power to take on War or Sanguine spawn …
“The Elders track down other Lust spawn with their own data-monitoring programs and recruit them. They have mandatory breeding programs, based on a specific set of metrics, to create maximum potency in the offspring.”
I gape at Devon, horrified. “Ew.”
“I’m a product of that program. My mother came from the UK, my father was born in the Michigan family camp. They are both very powerful second-generation spawn. But nothing like me.” He smiles bitterly. “I am, don’t you know, the way of the future.”
Suddenly, the pieces that he’s given me drop into place. “Your parents … they didn’t tell you what was happening with Amelia or how to stop it because they wanted to see what you could do,” I breathe.
At least my father had been very upfront about what he wanted and expected; he never shied away from urging me to take life as frequently as I desired or needed. I knew where I stood with him, even if I didn’t like it. Or so I thought until recently, anyway.
“The Elders have big plans for me,” he says flatly. “Targeting specific influential humans. Bending them to ‘our will.’”
“So you ran.” That is why he’s here.
“Many, many times,” he says. “But it doesn’t matter. They always find a way to bring me back. By threatening or hurting people I care about or random innocents. Amelia’s little sister, once. She was nine.” He tucks Amelia’s necklace back under his shirt.
My hands tighten into fists. Fuck them, fuck those elder guys.
Devon shrugs tightly. “And they’ll continue to do so.” He pauses, his green eyes snapping to mine. “Until or unless I’m affiliated with someone they’ll hesitate to confront.”
Someone like the new Death.
He doesn’t say the words. He doesn’t have to.
My heart drops like a stone. Oh no. No, no, no.
I shake my head. “Devon … I can’t. I’ve already told you. I’m not going to accept this succession plan or whatever you want to call it. As soon as I can, I’m going to get my father to—”
“I know,” Devon says softly. “You were very clear.”
Guilt floods my chest. “There’s got to be someone else who would be able to help, who would even be better at it,” I try. “I don’t know the rules for the Old Ones or how it all even works.”
“Someone else who, just as the rumors suggested, refuses to take lives? Someone else who doesn’t want the enormous power being offered to her and therefore will likely not abuse it?
” he asks. He looks away from me and stands up.
“I’m sure you’re right. A veritable line of people like that, right out the door. ”
“I didn’t ask for this!” I snap, stung by his words. “I’m just trying to live my life, keep my head above water.”
“I shouldn’t need to remind you that that’s all of us,” he says.
“Including Addie, Amelia’s sister. Her parents.
The poor woman who did nothing more than offer me a ride from the train station the last time the Elders caught up with me.
You want to protect humans? Start by considering how many more might die if you refuse to take what your father is offering.
You have the power to make a difference, if you’ll just accept it.
” His voice is even, as if we’re talking about something as banal as a dinner option from a menu, but I can hear the pleading just beneath the surface.
Fuck.
Before I can respond, he edges around me and off the bed, heading for the door. “You should feed to regain your strength.”
I open my mouth to protest.
“Not because you want to, but because you need to,” he says, preempting my objection. “And if you’re not going to do that, you should at least rest.” He opens the door. “I’ll take first watch.”
The door closes behind him with a final click that sounds a little like quiet condemnation.
Or maybe that’s just my conscience.