Chapter 2 #3
“You haven’t left the apartment since you got back.
Nothing ordered in. You weren’t answering your phone…
I think I missed something assessing you in the field.
I should have made sure you saw a doctor.
Someone who could run full tests. Maybe there is something we couldn’t see.
” My blood went cold. Did he already know?
I tried to hide my nerves by starting on my second licorice strip, doing my best to look disinterested.
“I also should have come to check on you earlier… People like us might not like attention, but we shouldn’t be left alone with our thoughts.
Not after a case like that. What you went through with the Almeidas…
if you are anything like me, it’s eating you alive.
” Okay good. There was a chance he thought I was depressed.
Though it sounded a lot like he was blaming himself.
I could live with that. It was better than the alternative.
But I needed to get him to stop digging into my health and well-being.
He was clever and observant, with enough clues he’d figure it out, and I needed him off the trail.
I also needed to avoid medical appointments like the plague.
Being a woman meant I had the privilege of every assessment beginning with me peeing in a cup.
And I wasn’t ready for my situation to become public. Possibly ever.
“So, either I slept through the messages, and your knocking, because you should have made me see a doctor? Or because I’ve been too hard on myself after working with the Almeidas, and you should have been here to keep me company?
” Oh god, I hoped this sounded believable.
I sure as hell wasn’t buying it. “Not because I’d been sleep and food deprived for nearly a month? ”
Todd shrugged. “Maybe you’d be more comfortable speaking to someone who isn’t me.”
“Can you go back to being grumpy? I know how to handle that better.” I made to pass on the other side but Todd stuck his arm out. I stared daggers at him as I slipped underneath, finishing my licorice. If we were having this conversation, I was going to do it from the comfort of my couch.
Todd followed me. “You’re avoiding. You only do that when there is something you don’t want me to know.” Crap. He wasn’t buying it. “I’ll ask one more time, then I’ll leave it alone… anything happen that I should know about?”
Yes, Todd, I’m currently carrying around a little passenger that belongs in part to your best friend. And it is making me tired, and nauseous, and grumpy, and I am fucking scared because I don’t know what to do about it. And none of this, none of it, should be happening!
I didn’t even want to think of what it could possibly mean to the Seal.
“If there was something I wanted you to know, I’d tell you.” I flopped down on the couch and covered my legs with a blanket. “But if what you are really asking is whether or not I lied about how warm and fuzzy things got with Almeida One—”
“I didn’t say you were lying.”
“We shared a bed. He liked to cuddle and occasionally stick his tongue down my throat, but that’s it.”
“I’m sorry. And I’m sorry you went through that. I just…” He huffed.
“Did you need me to describe it in further detail?”
“Why are you making it difficult for me to be nice?”
Why was I making it difficult? I know I wanted to lead him away from the truth, what I was afraid of, but why was I handling it this way?
“Why did you lie to Jack about me answering the door?”
“Because you’re my friend! And I’m here, asking you the questions I wished people asked me!”
Oh.
The truth was out in the open, and we just stared at each other. Todd’s chest rising and falling like he had shoved a boulder off his chest.
Todd’s concern was rooted in the work he had done in the past. How he had been affected by being undercover.
The scars he bore both inside and out. He wasn’t onto my secret.
He just wanted to make sure that I had support.
Someone to talk to. Todd was trying to be the person he wished he had when he was in my situation. And that tugged at my heart strings.
Todd crumpled onto the couch next to my feet.
“Did you want to talk about it?” I curled my legs beneath me and moved so that I was seated next to him.
“I…” Todd sighed. The tension dropped from his shoulders. “It’s not about me. And I’m not trying to pry your secrets from you. Or report your activities to the FBI. I’m just…” his hands moved searching for the words, “trying.”
He looked defeated.
I put my head on his shoulder, and we sat in silence for a moment. Just two friends who had both seen their fair share of troubles, knowing that there were more to come. Two friends who had built up so many walls, it was hard to forget who we were without them.
“I’ve been on edge since we got back,” I admitted. “And I took it out on you. I’m sorry.”
“I’m a big boy. I can take it.”
I punched him playfully in the arm, his body rumbling beneath me as he chuckled. We were over the hurdle. I sat up straight, the warmth of Todd’s shoulder clinging to my cheek. “You have anywhere to be today?”
“No, why?” The fact that he was wearing dress clothes told me otherwise.
“I think that we, totally regular and not messed up people, need to remind ourselves that we are human. And to do that we need to watch a lot of TV and eat a ton of junk food.”
“Regular humans get out of their apartments at some point,” Todd teased, finally taking a bite of his licorice.
“I will. Tomorrow.” I was overdue for a visit with Botan anyway. Todd telling me to get out was a good excuse to do just that. “Right now, I’m ordering us pizza. But you should know, anchovies are forbidden in this household.” Didn’t need to tempt fate with sickening, scaly, little fish.
“That’s fine,” Todd smiled. His real unburdened, charming, smile. “I only order anchovies to annoy Jack.”