Chapter 35 #2
Once that was through, I unwrapped the fetal monitoring band from around my waist, and stole Todd’s raincoat from the hook on the wall. Zipping it up to my neck, it completely covered my hospital gown and burgeoning belly.
Now, I just needed shoes, and there were only two unfortunate options: a pair of hospital-issue slipper socks, or the orange clogs I came in.
Since I had no intention of staying indoors, I grabbed the rubber shoes, and slipped them on as I bee-lined for the door.
Running was stupid. I was fully aware of that, but that didn’t stop me from doing a quick scan of the hall, and when it revealed neither Jack nor Todd, I made the short dash from my room to the emergency stairwell.
No alarms blared as I descended the steps, but carrying the extra weight around was not good on my joints, and with the view of my feet slightly obstructed, I held onto the railing for dear life as I bolted out of the building in my off-balance shape.
Perhaps the two-story sprint up the stairs when escaping the Seal hadn’t been so bad. Not compared to the bumbling down eight floors into a long alley in the piss-pouring rain.
And whether it was the torrent of wet spilling down the collar of Todd’s coat, or the fact I was surrounded by industrial dumpsters, I knew I was acting the fool. I had literally escaped a cult, to be in the company of agents who were keen on protecting me, and what did I do?
Run away. Classic.
It was too much all at once. I couldn’t take it. I just wanted one part of this whole ordeal to be up to me. To be my choice. For there to be just one moment where I was in control and—
Clarity coursed like lightening through my core, and I knew—I just knew—whatever scenario I pictured in my head was something I was never going to get.
There never was going to be a perfect time.
There was never going to be a happy announcement, or people pulling out chairs, or treating me like I was precious.
It was a fantasy. Reality wouldn’t allow me to accept other’s good will, or to let myself be taken care of.
Did I want it? Yes. Would I allow it? No.
What I desired would never come to pass—all because I wouldn’t let it.
Ugh, I was such a fucking disaster.
And like a disaster, whether it was hurricane, tornado, or typhoon, the only thing that felt right was moving. I had to keep moving.
I tugged at the collar of Todd’s raincoat as I walked towards I-don’t-know-where so long as it was anywhere but here, the October rain splattering against my hair, my legs, my cheeks.
“Delilah!”
I blamed the downpour for the blur in my eyes, and kept walking.
Keep moving.
“Delilah, wait!”
The sound of footfalls smacking against damp pavement was closing in. I wasn’t going to change my pace. I couldn’t hide the evidence anyway. As soon as someone other than Jack realized which combination of DNA rested under my skin, everything I had was going to be taken away.
“Delilah,” Jack fell into step behind me. “Talk to me. What’s going on? Why are you running?”
“I can’t do this, Jack.”
“Can’t do what?” He strode in front of me, blocking my path, as he took a hold of my shoulders. “Because whatever it is, you have me. You have, Todd. And we’ll support you with whatever—"
“No, I can’t, Jack! This is too much!” I swiped his hands off my shoulders and made to move around him, but Jack used the momentum to pull me to his chest. Enveloped in comforting dark citrus and lime and bergamot, with a hint of cedar, I was even more aware of the parts of me touching parts of Jack, and the space carved between us down the middle by my bump.
“You saw the monitor, so don’t pretend like you don’t know. I don’t know how…”
“Then you’re really…” Jack’s eyes were wide. Shock and wonder in equal measure. “How far…along are you?”
“However-many-weeks makes me this big.” I gestured to the bump. “However-many-weeks it’s been since we crossed the line at that motel! And trust me, I know it doesn’t make sense. We were careful, we shouldn’t have even been able to do this!”
Realization flooded through Jack, pupils blown wide, his breathing came quickly. “Delilah, you’re saying…”
I wanted to run again, but I needed to pull it together.
I didn’t want him to say the next words, not when I’d just been angry-yelling life changing news at him.
I wanted to crawl out of my skin. Be somewhere else.
Be someone else. “I don’t know how. It doesn’t make sense.
None of it makes sense,” I repeated, quieter this time.
“Mine?” He looked at my belly, which at its current angle was not doing a very good job at remaining hidden under Todd’s coat. “Yours and mine?”
I couldn’t keep the tears at bay. I just stared at him, water pooling on my cheeks, as I did everything in my power not to bolt. “What, you’re just accepting this?”
“Delilah, this is…” There was a sharp inhale, as a lone tear slipped down Jack’s cheek. “You are…” he tried again, before settling on, “Whatever you need.”
“Whatever I need? Jack, I don’t know how it is possible.” I was shaking. “My stomach’s a mess of scars. I was on birth control.”
He pulled me closer, circling a hand over my back, “I know. I—”
“You said you couldn’t have children! We used protection!”
Jack froze, and I tilted my head up to find a look of pure horror on his face. Horror, literal horror.
“What? I know this sounds crazy, Jack, and I feel just as crazy saying it out loud.”
“You’re not crazy.” He shook his head. “It’s not that.”
“Then, what?”
“Don’t hate me.” What? He drew himself a half-step back, drawing in a deep breath before whispering, “the condom broke.”
The tempest was back. Anger and relief and grief and betrayal. “WHAT?”
“It broke.”
Apparently, I settled on anger as I gave him a smack to his broad chest. “And you didn’t think to tell me?!”
“We just got you back!” He took another smack to his chest like a champ. “But I didn't think anything of it given—”
“You should have told me right away. I could have taken precautions, got the morning-after pill, something! At the very least it would have made sense!” I smacked him on the chest between each of my next words, “I. FELT. LIKE. I. WAS. CRAZY!”
“Delilah, I’m sorry—”
“Sorry?” The wind picked up, the rain pelted my face, but all I felt was rage. “Infertile or not, you always let someone know if that happens!”
“I know. You’re right. I should have, and I meant to, Delilah, but when Fawzy and Thruppy showed up, things snowballed, and then you were going back in with the Almeidas. I was clean, and I didn’t think—"
“You didn’t think you needed to tell me?” My thoughts churned and writhed, if I wasn’t careful, I was going to unleash a maelstrom there would be no going back from. All he ever wanted was a child of his own, and if he— “Are you even infertile?”
Pain and hurt flashed behind Jack’s eyes. Well, I just jabbed my fingers right into something I knew was an open wound. “I am.”
And kept digging. “Really?”
“Really, really.” He ran a hand over his face and sopping wet hair. “My swimmers are non-functional. Every single one of them, except…” his gaze caressed my stomach, in a way that made the strange fluttering return.
Fury coursed through my veins, but there was nothing else to say other than, “You!”
Jack waited for my scorn, and when my words didn’t come, he took a half-step in my direction. “Me.”
I braced my arms against his chest, but I was losing my fire. “I’m mad at you.”
“Good,” he stepped closer, again, holding my wrists against his chest, “I’m mad at me too.”
“This isn’t me letting you off the hook.”
“I don’t expect you to.” Jack’s grip tightened, the thud, thud, thud, of his heart pulsing beneath my palms. “But can I make something exceedingly clear?”
Whatever it was couldn’t be worse than all of the scenarios I’d already conjured in my mind, so I nodded.