Chapter 14
Jordan
I shouldn’t touch her like that.
It’s sick of me to even consider it. I’m her kidnapper, the infected that stole her. The beast is more than happy to take her in, to drink from her, but I shouldn’t.
Sweaty flesh pressed against me, the feeling of clammy hands, the smell—
I squeeze my eyes shut as I force the thoughts away. Kate went into the bedroom a few hours ago and has been quiet ever since.
I can’t keep her here forever. She’s a danger to herself if she stays, running off at the first opportunity. Either she’ll make it back to the city, or she’ll be intercepted by an infected. Besides, it’s only a matter of time before another infected wanders in here and finds her.
No, this isn’t safe for her.
Stay, the beast demands, putting my teeth on edge.
“We can’t,” I mutter aloud, my irritation boiling over. “She’ll get herself killed somehow.”
We’ll protect her.
I scoff. “Don’t be ridiculous.”
The beast growls and paces in my mind.
“Are you okay?”
The sound of Kate’s voice makes my heart stammer. I whirl to find her in the doorway, her brows narrowed as she looks at me.
“What do you want?” I grit out, my voice sounding harsher than it needs to.
“I heard you speaking. It made me think…” Her eyes wander around the room. “I thought maybe someone else was here.”
“Despite my sunny disposition, I don’t have any friends to invite over.”
She blinks at my sarcasm, but her expression doesn’t smooth out at my dismissal. “Who were you talking to, then? Yourself?”
“Have you never spoken to yourself before?” I shoot back.
She shrugs. “Not as loudly as you were.” She walks confidently right up to me, her eyes growing determined with each step.
“Look, I don’t understand”—she gestures between herself and me—“this, but I need to get back to the city. I need to inform my team about what I’ve seen.
They need to know that the virus is rapidly changing.
It impacts the work we’re doing. And now that I know about you, maybe we can work not only on a vaccine, but on a cure. ”
I can’t stop the sneer that crawls across my face. “Are you truly that deluded to think a cure is actually possible?”
She flinches. “Of course a cure is possible.” Her forest green eyes narrow. “We’ve been working tirelessly—”
“Then why haven’t you heard or seen any changes of this virus before?” I interrupt. “You’re telling me that the virus has been around for years at this point, but these last few weeks are the first you’ve witnessed something like this?”
“I’ve seen variants in the lab, but they’re relatively small,” she protests, her hands balling into fists at her sides. “But yours and the others were completely different.”
This is ridiculous. “You’re not leaving.”
“Why not?” she snarls. “Why are you keeping me here?”
“I just…am,” I answer awkwardly.
Her deep forest eyes widen in disbelief.
“Excuse me?” She steps toward me until we’re nearly nose-to-nose.
“You expect me to accept that as the reason you kidnapped me and you’re keeping me here?
” Her voice, laced with lethality, drops low.
“I need to get back to the safe zone. You’re willing to risk the chances of getting rid of the virus? ”
“I’m sure they’ll get on with it in your absence.”
She doesn’t recoil from the venom this time. “Maybe. But are you willing to take that bet?” Anger rolls off her in waves, wrapping around my body, squeezing me tight.
I don’t believe there’s a possibility of a cure—I never have. But…what if there could be? Is Kate really the answer to creating it? In my dismissiveness, I hadn’t considered figuring out how integral she is, haven’t asked any questions about her role, what she’s done.
It’s as if we’re playing chess, but before I can make my first move, she’s already checked the king.
“I need to keep you,” I admit. “I don’t understand why, but the beast in me wants you. I can’t let you go, even if I wanted to.”
“Then come with me.”
I blink at her words. “I can’t.”
“Why not?” She moves close, her mouth mere inches from mine. Her breath warms my face as she continues, “I have limited ammo, and I have to travel on foot. I’m sure to run into other infected along the way. So come with me; make sure I make it back there in one piece.”
“A non-infected lays eyes on me, and I’m dead.”
“We’ll go around.”
Going around the outskirts of the city will take weeks. We’ll have lots of ground to cover, and may have to cut through the mountains to avoid running into survivors along the way.
I can’t go anywhere near the mountains again. “You’ll find nothing but death that way,” I warn, shocked my voice doesn’t betray my nerves.
“If you don’t let me go, I’m going to keep fighting you. Other infected are bound to come here again. How many times can you save me?”
“You’d risk your own life for the chance to get back?” I ask.
“I’d rather die than sit here and do nothing.”
The beast paces behind my eyes in agitation. I don’t like what she’s proposing, what she’s demanding. Not only do I not want to let her go, but I don’t want to take the route we both know is best.
The scent of all those bodies clustered together in the cave—
I grit my teeth against the nausea that roils my stomach.
I push past her, striding out of the house, unable to speak, unable to do anything but focus on forcing fresh, clean air into my lungs.
I gasp like a fish out of water, trying to erase the scent from my nostrils, the feel of them touching me as we moved.
My hands go to my knees, and I bend forward, body shuddering.
Luckily, Kate doesn’t come after me. I don’t want her to see me like this. Maybe she’s taken off again. At this point, I should let her go.
The panic eventually recedes, letting me take deep, full breaths. I lower myself onto the ground, hugging my knees to my chest as I sit in the grass. The wind whistles as it passes, lifting strands of my hair.
I should let her go, but I can’t. Even if the beast didn’t demand her, I don’t know that I’m strong enough to let her leave. My life before she showed up was full of nothing. Just gray, day after day. Even though she’s proven to be a lot of work, she’s making me feel in ways I haven’t for too long.
Granted, she mostly makes me feel irritated, but it’s better than being numb. Numb from the crippling despair I’ve felt ever since I’ve come back to myself.
I can’t go back to that.
But she won’t let go of this idea of a cure. She’ll keep running away.
The beast and I don’t want to release her, but I can’t keep fighting her like this. I’m not afraid for myself—I’m afraid she’ll run one day and end up dead.
She’s right that I can’t keep taking that risk.
A butterfly flits around my head, demanding my attention. I watch its blue and black wings flutter as it settles on a small rock beside me, its wings slowly opening and closing. After Sarah’s death, I saw butterflies everywhere. It’s like she’s always near, always beside me.
“I know,” I sigh to her. “I know I’ve fucked up.”
Maybe there’s a compromise to be had. She’s obsessed with this vaccine she claims to be underway. Maybe, if she has this vaccine, she’ll be less inclined to stay in the safe zone and come back with me.
I’m still not convinced any of what she’s claiming is possible, but maybe it doesn’t have to be real.
I can use this to my advantage.
“Thanks for the help,” I whisper before the butterfly takes flight.
Quickly standing and brushing myself off, I stride back into the house. I pause in the doorway, listening for her. She’s back in her new bedroom, her heartbeat steady. I follow the sound, letting it guide me to her.
I brace myself outside her room, readying myself for her stubbornness when I hear, “You can come in any day now,” in a flat tone.
I let out a harsh breath and turn into the room to find her glaring at me from her seated position on the bed.
“What do you want?” she snaps.
Swallowing my discomfort, I start, “Given what you’ve said—”
“About how you’re keeping me prisoner?” she interrupts, her lip curling.
My hackles rise. “Don’t pretend to be so miserable here with me. There are certain aspects you enjoy.”
Her cheeks go pink. She squirms a bit, averting her eyes as she grumbles, “I have no idea what you’re referring to.”
I snort. “Uh huh.”
Her eyes snap to mine, ire lighting them. “We both know you can’t keep me here forever.”
“I know,” I admit, steeling my spine. “I have a…compromise.”
Her curiosity, as always, wins out. Her face drops the anger immediately as she sits up. “What would that be?”
The beast snarls in my head, almost blocking out all sound as I explain, “You’re right, I can’t keep you here and expect you to never get into trouble.
Your primary motive for going back to the zone is to work on this vaccine.
Maybe even finding a cure.” I fight the disdain that creeps forward at the mention of it.
“I propose we go into the zone, you finish your work, and you come back with me. To stay.”
My stomach twists itself. This feels incredibly vulnerable to offer this. To essentially give her the choice to choose me.
She blinks at me, her eyes roving over my face as she murmurs, “I can have the vaccine if I come back with you?”
“Yes.” I hid my trembling hands behind my back.
Kate licks her lips as she seems to think it over, making my heart pound quicker with each passing second. “I don’t know how long it will be until it’s ready,” she admits.
I knew it. I knew it wasn’t really happening. “I’ll wait close by until then.”
Nervousness twists her face as she works through whatever questions I’m sure are bouncing around in her skull. Shockingly, she doesn’t voice them; instead, determination crosses her face as she nods. “Okay. Yes.”
The beast purrs at her agreement, but I need to be sure. “You’re positive this is what you want to agree to.”
She nods, sounding surer as she says, “I’m positive. I’ll go back and I’ll leave with you once the vaccine is ready.”
My heart threatens to beat out of my chest, but I keep myself reined in long enough to reply, “Good. Then we should prepare ourselves for the journey.” The thought of going through the mountains has my palms sweating. “We’ll encounter a lot of obstacles, and I need you to be prepared.”
She nods emphatically. “I am—I will be.”
“You’ll have to listen to me,” I tell her. “I’ve been through the mountains, and they’re treacherous.”
“I can do that.”
I nearly roll my eyes but I fight the urge. “Your track record proves otherwise.”
She huffs as if offended. “This is different. I’ll be good, I promise.”
The beast likes the sound of that. I straighten and nod sharply. “Good.”
Kate gives me a radiant smile that makes me weak in the knees. Her lavender and honey scent toys with me, beckoning me closer.
I need to get out of here before I do something stupid, like lunge at her. She opens her mouth to speak, but the leash I hold on my restraint is slipping, so I rush out of the room before she can reel me back in.