Chapter 19
Kate
The next few days are marked by tense silence. Jordan and I barely speak, unless it’s to discuss our food supply or where we’ll be sleeping that night. Otherwise, we quietly march through the empty streets.
It leaves me to my thoughts. I’m still upset about what Jordan made me do. I understand the logic, but to make me kill an infected that was in a position that could have very well been mine…I shudder every time I think about it for too long.
I pivot to focus on our surroundings. We don’t encounter any infected, which isn’t surprising, considering we only travel during the day.
But sometimes, late at night when I can’t find sleep, I hear them moving outside.
It makes me freeze, unable to blink or breathe, for fear of them making the decision to come into whatever house we’re in and rip me apart.
So far, that hasn’t happened, but it’s really only a matter of time.
Greenery has broken through the cement, weeds and wildflowers sprouting through cracks in the sidewalks, the roads. It looks like every movie where nature is left to run its course. Despite the fucked-up life we’re stuck with, I can’t help but marvel at the changes.
It’s at odds with the random dead infected we come across. I fight the urge to stop and inspect them, knowing it will piss Jordan off more.
“We’ll stop here,” Jordan says to me, making me jump.
I look over at her and she’s pointing at a house to the side of us.
I don’t say anything; I follow her, stepping onto the creaky porch as she opens the door to begin her inspection. I twist to look out at the city, wondering how Parker and the team are doing. How far along have they gotten? Have they been able to make any progress?
Do they even need me?
The last question fills my chest with uncertainty.
I always second-guess myself whenever I’m working with the team.
They don’t say anything about my capabilities—it’s my own insecurities rising to the surface.
I’ve struggled with feeling inadequate, like an imposter.
I’m not a doctor; I’m barely a scientist. The team always expresses that I’m helping, but are they saying that to not hurt my feelings?
I never wanted any of this. I didn’t want to have to work on a vaccine for a virus that has made the city a living hell. I didn’t want to lose my parents, my brother, my entire life to this. I grip the wood porch fence, anger and deep helplessness pooling in my stomach.
I’m a failure. They don’t need me. This journey back to them is a waste of time. I failed my parents, I failed Harry, I failed everyone.
Jordan is right. I’m deadweight.
My vision grows cloudy around the edges as I struggle to take deep, even breaths. Each one feels like I’m breathing fire.
“Kate?”
The sound of my name makes me flinch, and I whirl around to find Jordan standing in the doorway. She’s staring at me with her brows furrowed, eyes concerned. “Everything all right?”
I retract my nails from the wood and turn around, clearing my throat.
“Yep, just perfect.” I wipe my clammy hands on the front of my flannel before jerking my chin at the house. “Is it clear?”
She tilts her head, studying me, and it makes me feel incredibly self-conscious. “It is.”
“Great.” I stalk toward the door, but Jordan steps in front of me, blocking the entrance. “Move,” I growl, simply not in the mood.
But she doesn’t act like she’s playing a game with me. Her eyes search mine before she murmurs, “I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t realize how that would impact you.”
“It’s fine,” I huff, trying to move around her, but she simply steps back in front of me.
“No, it isn’t,” she argues, the breeze lightly picking up a few strands of her white hair as it passes. “I got scared after you froze, and I wanted to make sure you were ready. But that wasn’t the right way to do that. I apologize.”
I plaster a smile on my face that I’m sure looks more like a grimace. “It’s fine. Really. I’m tired and want to go to sleep.”
Jordan doesn’t budge for a few moments, making my agitation nearly grow out of control. I open my mouth to say something, to demand she move, but she simply steps out of the way without a word. I rush in, not bothering to look at how desolate this house is as I make my way to the first door I find.
I slam the door behind me and lean my back against it, sliding down until my ass hits the floor. My head falls into my hands as I struggle to bring myself back, to stop beating myself up.
You’re worthless. You’re a waste of space. The team is better off without you—you just get in the way.
The self-hatred swirls around me over and over again, not letting up until it’s dug so deeply into me that I don’t even exist anymore.