11. Abigail
Jason wouldn’t leave the room until I said that I would go out with him. Worse than that, I was going to meet him at his place again, and this time there wasn’t going to be anyone to interrupt us. Jason said that he wasn’t going to let it happen again and I believed him. He looked so frustrated when I’d said that I was going to leave before. The cop being there and how he was looking at me was all the convincing that I needed. I didn’t want to stay around him, no matter what it was he was doing there.
When Jason left, Dana had lots of questions, I could see it on her face, but thankfully I was behind, and she didn’t have any time to ask all of those questions. I was grateful for that. If there was anything I wanted more, it was the way that he had made me feel before. I thought that it was almost too good, my memory of it all. It couldn’t be real.
The rest of the day dragged on and I had lunch with Dana. She was full of all of the questions from before and I had no good reason to tell her no. I wished that there was a reason, but there wasn’t any. She wanted to know what was going on with Jason, which was a fair question. I knew that I wasn’t acting the way I usually did, so I could see how she would be wondering about it. I thought it was unfair to question it too much though. I was over the moon with it all.
“We just have this connection.”
She scoffed, “I really thought that he was going to be a problem.”
Abigail agreed that she had thought the same thing. He did have a quick temper, as he had shown when he had first showed up there, but Jason was getting better in all ways. I stared off for a moment, looking off and Dana brought me back. “You really like this guy, don’t you?”
I told her that I really liked him. “I am sorry, I know that you were eying him too,” I started. I was waved off and Dana told me not to worry about it. “He really does belong with you. I don’t think I have ever seen you this happy before, and you haven’t even done it yet, have you? I hope that he is everything that you hope him to be.”
I nodded. “Me too. I am still trying to figure out if he is worth the drama or not.”
Dana said that he was, almost at once. She said it so fast that it made me laugh. She was something else and I knew that it was because of her pep talk, that later that night when I got off and got ready to go to Jason’s, I went. I was so nervous, but Dana’s words echoed in my ears. I really liked him, she was right.
I didn’t want anything to go wrong. There was so much that I didn’t know about Jason. Maybe I should try to find something out, instead of what we had done so far. I couldn’t believe that there was still someone that could make me feel anything. Guilt was all I had felt for so long. It was nice to have something else to feel.
Jason answeredthe door and he had on tightish jeans and a shirt that showed off his biceps and nice physique. I didn’t think he would be able to hide what he looked like, even if he wanted to. I saw that he had low lights in the living room and candles going. He had set the mood, because the candles weren’t for him. The atmosphere was nice, and he had once again surpassed any sort of expectations that I had about him. He really was amazing in all sorts of ways.
“You look good.”
He sighed and told me that I did as well.
“Are you just guessing?”
Jason shrugged. “There is no way that you are anything but.” He moved back so that I could come in. I didn’t linger out there long. I wanted to get back and I knew that it was going to be better inside. It felt like the mood was right inside. Jason was making it clear what was on his mind. It had nothing to do with getting to know each other.
“You have on my favorite one.”
“Oldie but goodie.”
His hand came out like a shot and wrapped around my wrist. I wanted to know what he was thinking when he did that. I was shaking when I was pulled in and I pressed back on his chest. I wanted to breathe for a few minutes before he took all my breath away. It was very easy for him to do, it turned out, and I didn’t want him to continue on in this way. I was so tired of fighting it.
Jason growled at me for stopping what was going to happen next. I knew that there was something sexy going down, but that was okay. I needed to breathe.
“Why are you making me hold back?”
I sighed and rubbed his chest. “Don’t you think we should talk a little bit?”
Immediately he told me no and it made me smile. He didn’t want it to have anything to do with stopping. He looked like he wanted to eat me up. I couldn’t believe how good he made me feel. I wondered how it was all going to go down. I had no idea it was going to be so intense from the gate.
“What do you want to talk about?” Jason growled in response. He didn’t want to talk, not then. I looked at his expression and knew that he was on the edge.
I couldn’t come up with an answer. What I wanted to talk about was the deep, emotional stuff that was going to kill the mood. I wanted to know what happened to him, worse than that, I wanted his story. Everyone has one and I wanted to know his so that I could understand how he ticks.
Instead of saying any of that and looking strange, I just shrugged naively and said that I didn’t know. I knew, I just didn’t want to say.
“Well, how about I kiss you and then we will see where we go? I think that talking is overrated.”
It sounded like something that a guy would say, and I sighed. I didn’t want to hear that. I wanted him to see that I was lost in the moment. He leaned in to kiss me and, of course, I was right there to kiss him back. He was always so on top of where I was. I didn’t know how he oriented himself so well, but he did. He might be a bit wobbly at times, but once he was touching me or close, he seemed to know exactly where I was. That made it easy to forget for a time that he had difficulties that I could only imagine. I wanted to talk about any of that, find out about him, but once those man’s hands and lips got on my body, there was nothing to think about. It was just like I was there to take all of those good feelings in, which I did.
Jason had me in moments holding onto him like he was the only thing that was going to save me. He felt good and his arms were like home for me. I never wanted to leave the feeling of safety that I got from him.
It was then, in the midst of the best feeling, that I remembered that Jason wasn’t the same as other men. I must have pushed back too far or unexpectedly because the next thing I knew, I’d knocked us both down. Well, I knocked Jason down when he took a sidestep that wasn’t expected and since I was clinging to him and in his arms, I went with him as well. I thought it was funny, I was laughing and about to say something, before I looked to Jason and saw that he was not as amused. He was so furious that I asked him if he was hurt. I didn’t understand the mood change. I tried to help him up and he barked that he didn’t need any help. I didn’t know what was going on with him, but I tried to smooth it over. “Sorry, I’m so clumsy.”
“It’s not you, it’s me. I can’t see anything!”
He half-yelled it and I remembered well the snapping he’d done before. I was thrown off this time, in this state. How could he be so mad in this moment? There was a beautiful moment that we’d had, but now he was angry. It made me question the moment and draw myself inward.
“Look, I said I’m sorry. You don’t have to be like that. I didn’t mean to knock you over. It was just in the moment…” My voice trailed off. I was close to tears. The whiplash I was experiencing in my mind about my desires was nothing compared to the speed that my body could handle. So, I still wanted him desperately, but at the same time I didn’t want to be there and was ready to run out. It was just this tug of war internally.
I started to leave, what else was I supposed to do? He made it clear that he was mad now and I tried to see the reason why, but because I didn’t know enough about him, I had no idea of his outburst. All I knew was that I didn’t get Jason at all.
“Please don’t go.”
Jason was up and he had his hand on my arm gently. I looked down to where he was touching me, and I pulled away. I didn’t want to cry. “I can’t do this with you.”
He sighed and didn’t attempt to go after me. He likely couldn’t because he couldn’t see. I almost went back to him, but then something stopped me. Maybe us getting together wasn’t meant to be. It really felt like the world was keeping us apart, though I wished it was the other way.