20. Abigail
Igot ready after work to go see Jason. I knew that things were a bit off and tense between us, but that was just because so much had happened between us in such a short amount of time. I didn’t want to believe that I would ever find someone to love. Jason didn’t either, so both of us were trying to get used to the idea of that to start off with. I knew that he was the one, even though there was a part of me that was just as bad.
When I got to his place, he was already dressed and there was a mood in the air. It wasn’t hard to imagine what it was that he wanted. There was soft music playing and the lights were off. I knew that he could tell the difference, but it wasn’t that long ago that he told me he could see shadows. The light was for me then, so that I would feel in the mood as well. It would be exhilarating if I was one hundred percent honest. I wanted him so badly.
Jason gave me a kiss as soon as I got there and from that kiss, I could see how it was all going to go. The kiss lasted a few moments, and I swear I was wet when he pulled away. I didn’t want him to know that I was that easy. I liked to believe that I wasn’t, but the proof was in my panties. Jason smiled in a way that told me he knew, or I was just worried enough that I saw it that way.
“It is good to feel you, Abigail. I wish I could see you because I know that you would be gorgeous.”
I told him that I was just wearing something that I had around. He said that he didn’t believe me, and he was right. I had dressed up for him, even though it was silly because he couldn’t see. I had gotten all dressed up for me. I wanted to feel like I was on top of the world and that’s exactly how I felt at the moment. I knew that nothing was going to be the same between us after tonight, it was a feeling I had. At first, I thought it was going to be a good change, but I would quickly learn that it wasn’t.
Jason had made dinner. It was getting cold as we made out, but he remembered himself and dragged me to the table. I wasn’t really hungry, told him as much, and he scoffed, “You just want to have dessert first,” he accused me. I didn’t argue. I did want something sweet and yeah it was from him. Jason always seemed to know exactly what I needed. That was unnerving to say the least, that he was always so sure of himself and what was going on. I was still filled with questions.
“What is this?”
He rattled off some fancy French name, but it did me no good to tell me what it was that I was actually eating. It was important, at least I thought it was, but Jason just glossed over it all like he didn’t know why it mattered one way or another. “As long as you like it, that is all that matters.”
I sighed to show him that I wanted more feedback than that, but I didn’t think that he got it. He wouldn’t because he couldn’t see how upset I was, so I reminded myself that I needed to use my voice to say how I feel, or I couldn’t be mad that he didn’t notice. Jason had a very good reason not to see it.
“I feel like something is off between us. Am I wrong?” I finally just came out and asked. I could see that Jason was surprised and he hesitated.
“There is a lot going on, Abigail, but there is nothing that you need to worry about.”
I sighed louder to show him that his crap answer wasn’t going to work for me. I knew that he liked to think that all of what was going on was out of my purview, but not if we were going to be together. I needed to know some truths and there was this sinking feeling in my stomach that I couldn’t name, yet I couldn’t ignore it either. If he could help me with either one of those things, maybe I would feel better about it all.
“What?”
“You are being very elusive. I swear that you must have been a spy the way you act sometimes, like everything is national security.”
Jason scoffed, “Nothing like that. My doctor wants to do something that is too dangerous to consider, and I am just not used to feeling this disappointment. I’d given up on ever seeing again, but he had me convinced.”
It was the first time I heard that he had been promised sight. I could imagine how devastated he was about it, but he instead smiled at me, like he knew I was staring. I was shaking with sadness for him, but I knew that Jason didn’t want pity. He wanted me to see that he was doing just fine with it, even though I knew there was no way that it was true. How could it be?
“I’m sorry, Jason.” I said the words, but there wasn’t enough behind them. How useless were such words, when there was nothing that I could do to make him better. I wished I could, truly, but there was nothing that I could do. I hated that feeling and I hugged him to me. I had to get up from the table, but I wrapped my arms around him and smiled. “I wish that you could see me. Then you would know how much I love you.”
I stopped, my heart beating out of my chest. That wasn’t supposed to be said. That wasn’t supposed to happen. What in the world was going on? He paused as well, and I worried that I had said too much. We didn’t know each other enough for that answer and admission to be okay. I was horrified and didn’t even want to look at Jason. I was afraid of what I would see.
“You love me?”
I scoffed, “Of course.”
He kissed me suddenly and I think both of us forgot the food that was now getting cold on plates right in front of us. I had been starving for him before, but now it was to the level that I was going to lose my mind. What was it about Jason that worked me up so well? It made no sense, but there didn’t seem to be anything that I could do about it.
We were halfway to where we needed to be and then the next thing I knew, there was a loud crash to the side of us from the window. It happened so fast that I screamed, but I didn’t even know what I was screaming about. I didn’t know what was going on, but that scream would be the least of my worries. I looked to Jason to see how he was reacting to maybe gauge what I was supposed to do. He seemed to know that it wasn’t someone good. He told me to hide, and I didn’t want to hear that. I started to say something, and he practically threw me over the back of the couch. I didn’t know what he was thinking, but I tried to convince him that he didn’t have to do all of this. He didn’t want to hear it though.
The next thing I knew, there was a man going to Jason and attacking him. I met his gaze, and it was a dark one. Jason was right, I had to get out of there as quickly as I could. I could get help. My phone was in my pocket, and I started toward the front door on my knees, when I heard him asking Jason between punches where I was, “the bitch”. I had literally never been so scared in all of my life. I abandoned Jason and it felt like shit, even if that was what he told me to do. I could hear the blows landing on him as I raced out to save myself. I felt horrible about it, just horrible, but I’d never run so fast in all of my life.
When I got outside, my phone was almost dead, but I made the emergency call and hid in the woods a block away from Jason’s house. I didn’t know what was going to happen next, but I prayed that someone would get here soon. Jason was in danger, and I didn’t know what to do. About the time I got the courage to go forth, the assailant was coming out of the house and not long after that, the police were there. It wasn’t until I saw them taser the man and put him into handcuffs, that I came out from my hiding spot. I rushed in to see that Jason was out of it. He had been beaten badly and I swore that it was all my fault. I didn’t know what happened or who that guy was, but I knew that Jason had saved me. I shuddered to think about what would have happened if he wouldn’t have been there for me. It could have been really bad and there was no way to get around that. I wasn’t even going to try.
I held him until the ambulance got there and he was put into the back. I had to give my statement later, but I was able to ride with Jason to the hospital. He was my hero, and I wouldn’t have let them tell me no anyway.
Nothing made sense.I was at the hospital and Jason was in the bed. Doctors and nurses came in and out and there was no word to me about what was going on. I wanted some answers, but I wasn’t his wife or family, so no one would tell me anything. That was a shame too, because all I wanted to do was help. I knew that I wasn’t really his family, but we’d just told each other that we loved each other. I felt closer to Jason then I did any other man. I probably wasn’t supposed to be there, but I wasn’t going anywhere, and I suppose that it was seen on my face. As much as I wanted things to go another way, I knew that it wasn’t going to make anything better. I tried my best to focus on something else than the machines beeping and the grave looks of the doctors.
Finally, I had to take a break. I was told politely that I needed to go for a moment, they had some more tests to do. I wanted to argue with them, refuse to leave, but I knew that it wasn’t going to do me any good. I needed to know what was going on, but I wasn’t going to find out this way. I touched Jason’s hand softly and hoped that soon he would wake up and everyone would leave us alone to talk. I had so much to say, mainly that I was sorry that this had happened, and I hadn’t done anything to stop it. I worried that he hated me, what I hadn’t done. I had let things happen to him, and I swore that I was never going to forgive myself. I didn’t know how I was supposed to do that.
I wasn’t gone long. I grabbed some coffee and a few eggs to have some breakfast. I was sick of the food; we’d been here for a couple of days now and the food was never as good as it looked. It was a shame that they couldn’t do a better job. I wanted to say something when I got back, give them a piece of my mind, but it was chaos when I got back in the room.
A new doctor had shown up and he wanted to move Jason. I wanted to know who he was and why he would want to move him in the state he was in. Wasn’t it dangerous? Was he the doctor that Jason had refused to work with? What had he wanted him to do again? I was searching my memory to figure out what to do next and then I was kicked out of the room. I was “causing a scene” but really, I just wanted answers. Nothing made sense and no one was telling me anything. I’d never been so frustrated in all of my life. It was like I was failing Jason again. I kept doing that, too much.
I listened outside of the door, trying to get information. I wanted to see where they were going to take him, but I didn’t know exactly. I heard a couple of names of streets and addresses to another place. I hoped that one of those places was right. I wrote down what I could and when the door opened to his room, the doctor with beady eyes and a smirk told the nurse to get security. “Get this woman out of here. She doesn’t belong here.”
He acted like he hated me, like he had a reason to, and I had no idea why. I’d never met the guy before, but I wasn’t going to let someone put their hands on me. “I’m leaving,” I said it just as hatefully as he had me. I didn’t know what this guy’s problem was, but I wasn’t going to let him get to me. I had all the information I could muster, and it was going to have to be enough.
I left the hospital with the worst feeling. Something was happening and now I wished that I had listened better and asked more questions. He hadn’t wanted to talk about it, and I hadn’t wanted to push. Now, I wished desperately that I had asked. It was silly of me to pretend like I couldn’t have ended it all with a question.
Later, maybe half an hour or so, I saw the ambulance leave that I thought Jason was in. I’d waited all that time because I didn’t expect anyone to tell me what I wanted to hear. I was going to follow it instead and find out for myself. As the ambulance took off, I stayed behind it a little ways. I was going to find out one way or another what was happening to Jason. I wasn’t going to let them take him without trying to get him back. I had already left him once. I couldn’t do it again.