Chapter 36
Charlie
If I hadn’t already told Mateo I love him, I would do it right now.
He extends me an iced latte and falls into the chair beside mine, across from Cheryl’s desk. His hand lands on my thigh—a comforting touch—as our advisors watch us with hyper focus.
We’re meant to debrief them about the trip, but Cheryl won’t stop smiling or staring at Mateo and me like a lunatic.
She’s a wonderful advisor, but she’s starting to give me the creeps.
It’s taking everything I have not to fidget or grab on to Mateo’s hand like it’s a lifeline. Dan sits back in his chair, unbothered or unaware by the odd energy in the room; I’m unsure which, but I wish I could be him.
Unbothered, sipping on his coffee, legs kicked back.
I’m teetering on the edge.
Finally—under immense pressure—I crack and dart my hand above the desk, grab Mateo’s, and then rip our hands into my lap. His finger swipes against the back of my hand, and the energy buzzing in my chest immediately calms .
“ Yes ,” Cheryl screams, leaping from her chair to peer over the desk and into my lap, where I’m holding on to Mateo for dear life.
I used to suffer the anxiety of these meetings alone, with only my notebook and crystals to keep me safe and guide me away from throttling Mateo. I could still throttle him if I wanted, but I’d rather hold his hand and live a princess life while he carries all my things.
That’s not something I expected to enjoy, but not having to hold anything leaves my hands open to explore—pick up rocks, steal snacks from Mateo’s desk, squeeze his ass when he’s least expecting.
I could get used to domestic life.
“I told you, Dan,” Cheryl yells, shockingly accusatory. “What did I say?”
“They’re meant for each other, they only need a little shove,” Dan responds in a monotone voice.
“Uh…What?” Mateo asks.
He’s adorably befuddled, and while I’m usually the one behind on picking up the cues, this one is loud and clear.
I glare at my advisor, who smiles brightly, as if she submitted a paper to Nature and it was accepted without revisions.
“They were scheming,” I explain to my confused boyfriend. “We were their test subjects.” I turn to Cheryl. “How long?”
She knows exactly what I mean.
“Oh, a few months into your program. Caught you ogling him while his back was turned. Then I watched him do the same. Been trying to shove you two together since.”
“Why do you think I agreed to Mateo’s pestering about holding joint meetings?” Dan asks.
“Because you guys love being with each other?” Mateo offers.
Cheryl cackles like that was the most insane thing he’s ever said. She’s an icon .
“Oh, honey, no. I see him plenty at home.” She barrels over Dan’s guffaws and continues, “We did it so you two had to spend time together because it wasn’t going to happen otherwise.”
Now she’s looking at me, giving me a knowing look. Mateo’s hand is still in my lap, and he’s finally caught up, which mean she’s starting to laugh—loudly.
“So you two are dating, right?” Dan asks.
Mateo peers down at me, love radiating from him as his hand squeezes mine. He’s giving me an option to tell them or to evade, not that our hand-holding isn’t evidence enough.
If I shook my head, he would honor the decision. But I know it would kill him—the thought he isn’t worthy of the declaration, or that I’m still unsure about us.
I’ve never been more confident about something in my life.
My features are granite as I turn to Cheryl.
“You know what they say.” I shrug. “It’s an easy evolution from hate to love.”
“Love?” she shrieks, her face red with excitement.
“It was hard not to fall in love with him.”
I’m staring directly at him when the words escape my lips. If I could only accomplish one thing in life, it would be loving Mateo in the way he deserves—freely, fully, without reservations.
I want him to feel as loved as I do, as cherished as I am.
He helped me find my shine again, and while there’s still so much work I need to do—process my trauma and build myself-confidence—it’s easier to face those battles knowing he’ll be right there, holding my hand and giving me a shove when I need it.
When I need a shoulder, he’s there, but I want to be his shoulder, too.
Take care of him when he has headaches in the morning and make him soup when he’s sick.
Cheer him on in his achievements and pick him up when he fails.
I want to end the night in bed, quietly watching videos and appreciating the time we get together.
He winks, and my cheeks flush.
I’m never going to get used to how beautiful he is.
“Charlie decided hating me was a useless endeavor and fell in love with my intellect and charm,” he teases.
Cheryl and Dan laugh when I knock his shoulder with mine.
They offer congratulations, which seems excessive, but we thank them anyway, before the meeting shifts toward its true purpose.
Mateo debriefs them about the trip, explaining what samples we collected, how many were processed in the lab, and how many are being shipped to the university.
We give them the list of species we couldn’t identify or wanted second opinions about, then show them the video footage of the whale fall I convinced Vivian to steal for me.
It’s the highlight of the meeting—outside of me admitting I fell in love with Mateo—and we spend nearly an hour pausing clips to nerd out about the organisms scavenging the whale carcass.
This is what I was hoping for on the boat, but everyone got weirded out by the mention of bone-eating worms, and the vibe died.
The vibe is back, baby.
We discuss less exciting things—manuscript edits and the biology labs Mateo and I run—before they send us on our way, another round of congratulations filtering through the hallway. We’re halfway back to our desks when Mateo snatches my hand and changes course.
He peeks his head into his lab, looking left and right, before pulling me over the threshold and slamming the door shut behind us.
A question sits on the tip of my tongue, like What the hell has gotten into you? But it’s silenced as Mateo lifts me off the ground and onto the lab bench.
“I’ve always wanted to do this,” he admits.
“Sit me on the lab bench?” I ask. “This has to be against safety protocol. ”
“No,” he responds. The curve of his mouth is sinful as he says, “Kiss the shit out of you in the lab.”
His lips are on mine before I can remind him we made out on the boat, in almost this exact position. I melt into him, the world fading away as his fingers trail up the back of my neck and tangle into my hair.
The kiss is unhurried as he explores my mouth.
When he finally pulls away, I’m practically panting.
“So, did it meet your expectations?” I tease.
His tongue darts out, tracing the seam of his lips. “Exceeded expectations. But that shouldn’t surprise me with you.” His thumb pulls down my bottom lip. “Everything you do is remarkable.”
A blush creeps onto my cheeks, and he chuckles, helping me down from the benchtop.
I’m wobbly on my feet thanks to the kiss and his proximity, but if three weeks crowded in a small cabin wasn’t enough to kill the butterflies every time he passes by, then I fear it’s going to be a lifelong sensation.
“I’m kinda excited to get back to normal,” he admits, holding my hand as we return to the PhD room.
Based on the odd looks some of the other graduate students are giving us, I wouldn’t say we’re back to normal. It was common knowledge I wasn’t Mateo’s biggest fan, and now we’re holding hands and I’m smiling like a lovestruck idiot.
The urge to yell, No, he isn’t holding me hostage—unless you consider being dick-whipped a form of glorious torture.
He simply convinced me to fall in love with him.
Shocking, I know. Let’s all move along, is nearly overwhelming, but I’m not in the mood for a speech this morning, so I make prolonged, uncomfortable eye contact with every other person until they look away.
Mateo is blissfully unaware of the people staring, and while the instinct to shy away from them still lingers, it’s not an incessant voice in my head .
It’s quiet with him, and one day, I’ll learn to silence it on my own.
He sits down at his desk, and it’s like every other day.
He starts to hum a tune—this time it’s One Direction, which warms my heart.
He’s listening to the playlist I made him.
The sound of shuffled papers and tapping on keyboards fills the space, and I should start working, but I can’t stop staring at him.
Perfect chocolate-brown hair, swept back like it takes no effort at all. I’ve learned it takes two hair products and at least ten minutes of rearranging the strands. Coy dimples and cocky smirks. Broad shoulders and hidden tattoos.
He leans to the right to hide behind his monitor.
“I can’t work if you keep staring at me,” he says, laughter lacing his voice. My nose scrunches. “Stop frowning, bruja, and get to work.”
“You can’t even see me,” I grumble, opening my laptop to work on the lab protocols.
“Don’t need to.” His head darts back into view, and he offers me a beaming smile and then chucks a chocolate at my head.
It hits my forehead before dropping to the desk.
I stare at him, stunned.
Guess I didn’t need to spend the morning worrying about our new normal and if working across from each other would be weird. Luckily, Mateo is reestablishing the status quo: he annoys me and feeds me chocolate, and I have to pretend his smile doesn’t send vibrations to my vagina.
It really is another average, pre-voyage day.
The wrapper is open and the chocolate is devoured before I respond. “You’ll pay for that later.”
He winks. “I hope so.”
He returns to his work, and I focus on mine, but every so often, he flutters into my thoughts, even though he’s a foot away. I’m still evolving—learning to admire myself, to trust in myself and others, let go of the trauma that holds me back—but he gives me faith I can tackle everything in my path.
I’ve always held a lot of weight in luck and the universe, in Charles Darwin and the theory of evolution. In crystals and astrology. All of these things have brought me peace when life is heavy, but they all pale in comparison to the kind I’ve found with him.
The research cruise gave me so many things: new friends, a revitalized sense of self, and once-in-a-lifetime memories. But most of all, it led me to Mateo.
I can visualize the life we’ll build together.
Completing our PhDs and starting postdoc positions.
Traveling the world. Growing together, but discovering who we are individually.
An intimate wedding with our friends and family.
A home with a large study and two wooden desks facing each other. Children, if we both want them.
The dream is so vivid, I could reach out and hold it in my palm. It will require work and sacrifice, and the path may not be smooth, but if Mateo is by my side, I’d walk any road with him.
He hums a new song, and my heart bursts.
I’m not sure I would have ever uncovered what was right in front of me, but as Mateo peeks around his computer to wink at me, I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, falling in love with Mateo was the greatest discovery of all time.