Chapter 25
Chapter Twenty-Five
TALLY
The stupid basket is still sitting in front of me an hour later.
The chatter from inside the tavern is a continuous stream of annoyance.
I’ve already come to the conclusion, I’m not in the right headspace to take Cyrus back to the pool. To have a date and pretend I didn’t just witness something that’s making my heart want to fall to pieces within my chest.
It’s also very clear that Cyrus doesn’t plan on excusing herself from the group to go about our plans.
Fuck this and fuck her.
Everything around me feels fragile, and I want nothing more than to lash out and break something. Only to remember, I knew not to let this happen. Yet, I let it happen anyway.
And this fucking basket is just sat there, waiting for something that isn’t going to happen.
With a deep huff, I stand, intending on putting away the basket’s contents. My fingers graze over the fabric of the blankets, the soft material catching on my skin. My thoughts instantly change direction.
I can still go and have a picnic. Even if it’s on my own.
It's truly sad and pathetic. But I have everything ready to go, an evening off and going somewhere that I cherish so fondly will make all these emotions seem so pointless.
So insignificant compared to everything else out there.
The pool– heck any place on this Island– has always had the knack of calming me, making the big things seem not quite so suffocating.
Swiping the basket from the side, exiting the kitchen and padding as quietly as I can towards the back door, so that I'm not seen. It's the coward's way out, but everything’s feeling a little too raw. I can’t see her right now.
It’s not even her fault.
Although I’ll still put all the blame on her.
It's not my fault she’s beautiful.
A warm breeze dances across my cheeks as I make it outside. The birds cutting through the sky overhead and the laps of the ocean already pulling me out of my miserable mood.
Not wasting a second of time, not wanting to risk being caught by anyone, I set off into the wilderness. Following the path I’ve got memorised bone deep.
I’m drunk.
The wine went straight to my head, after only eating a banana all day. The sun is setting, the sky more navy than golden as the last of the light starts to fade.
The darker the sky gets, the darker my mood becomes. Un-helped by the bottle and a half of wine I’ve consumed.
Coming to the pool hasn’t helped at all. That might have to do with my intoxication levels and lack of substance, but I digress. Looking at the glistening water usually calms all my nerves. Tonight, every time I look at the little ripples, I see her.
The way I got to see her naked for the first time.
The way she tried to not look at me bare.
The way she flicked her wet hair.
The way she crumbled in front of me for the first time.
The way she’s kept me a secret.
I fear she’s broken me in a way that can never be fixed. Everything hurts. Is this how she’s felt ever since Mabel’s been on board?
Soon enough, I’m eclipsed in darkness, the sounds of bugs and soft rushing water the only accompanying sounds to my slowing increasing drunkenness.
There’s not a lot of wine left in this bottle and I have no more. I’ll have to go back soon. But I don’t want to.
The sounds of nature and nothing else– no one else– feels right.
I’ve been too absorbed in Cyrus the last couple of months, I haven’t had the chance to ground myself in the earth, to do exactly this. Maybe I’ll stay up here tonight. Alone and drunk.
Nothing to distract me from the riotous feelings racing through me.
The Burnt Bones is almost back to rights after the battle. It won’t be long until they all leave. Once Cyrus is out of sight, I’ll be able to get over her completely. Move onto another pirate that darkens my doorstep.
For now, I know I can’t see her again.
Tonight is the night I break the arrangement for the good of my own heart.
With that decided, a little weight releases from my shoulders, yet my chest squeezes tight.
But it’s the right decision. It’s not fair to Cyrus to keep doing something, not when she doesn’t know I’m in love with her.
When she’s basing everything on the assumption that it’s only sex.
It’s also not fair to me. I shouldn’t have to hurt myself over and over just to get the meagre scraps of her.
I shouldn’t have to force myself to be a secret.
I sigh with relief.
Even as a tear tracks down my cheek.
I’ll talk to her tomorrow, tell her it’s over. No more sleeping in her room instead of my own. No more glances stolen over the bar. No more hiding.
No more secrets.
Bringing the bottle to my lips, I down the last of the wine before putting it back in the basket still full of food, the blanket haphazardly thrown over it.
Pulling the blanket off, I throw it over my shoulders, keeping the evening chill away and comforting myself in the only way I’m currently able to.
Time passes slowly, watching the stars slowly blink into existence above me.
There’s a rustle in the bushes behind me. I pay no mind to it, expecting it to be some kind of animal moving around, not realising it’s got close to humanity before moving on.
My attention fixes back on the flickering stars above, no longer hearing the rustling behind me.
“Tally.”
My heart freezes.
Everything halts.
No. No, no, no.
Not now. Not now that I’ve finally come to the conclusion that we’re done. Not whilst I’m drunk and won’t be able to hold myself back. From either throwing myself at her or unleashing all the emotions raging inside me, I’m not sure.
I don’t move, don’t say anything. Can barely think anything other than fuck.
Cyrus moves into my periphery, sitting on the other side of the basket. A part of me hates that she chose to put distance between us. The other part is immensely grateful.
Her fingers pick up a crumbled seashell from the dirt, no doubt dropped up here by birds, after they feasted on the stuff inside. “I thought we were meeting back at the inn.”
I force myself to swallow whatever words are currently fighting their way up my throat.
“I started to get concerned when you didn’t come into the tavern at all. Then, you weren't in the room. Thought I’d see if you came up here on your own.”
Again, I force myself to keep quiet, keeping my gaze on the twinkling of lights above us.
She sighs when she realises I’m not going to respond. “Have I done something wrong? I was waiting at the tavern for ages.”
“We’re done, Cyrus.” It’s the only words I can muster. They're devastating but to the point. I think it’s all I can manage right now as a droplet of moisture carves a path down my cheek.
She stills her fidgeting with the shell and turns to face me fully. “Why?”
She looks so confused, like there couldn't be any reason on this earth for me to justify me calling this quits. It cracks a soulless laugh from my chest. “Because I saw you watching Amara earlier. And I realised that I can’t be a space saver for her anymore.” I can’t love you when you can’t love me.
I don’t say the last part, although I swear I can hear the words echo around us. Maybe I’m more drunk than I realised.
How she manages to keep the stone facade on right now boggles me. I’m falling apart and she looks completely normal.
“What the fuck do you mean, Tally?” The sound echoes around us, her tone having risen a couple octaves.
“I mean, I watched you come into the tavern, looking at Amara like she hung the moon, stars, and the sun. I mean, I can’t stand, here waiting for you to love me back, when you can’t stop looking at someone who doesn’t even want you.
This was fun to begin with, but I refuse to be someone’s dirty little secret forever. ”
I take a deep breath before finally looking over at her properly. Water lines her eyes and I can see her walls fracturing, but it’s not enough. Not enough to stop me from doing what I need to do. Not enough to stop the word vomit now that I’ve started.
“I refuse to be with someone when they want somebody else so badly, it’s clear to see.
I will not lower myself and my worth. I know it’s my fault.
We said it would only be fucking. I know what this arrangement was meant to be.
But I had to go and stupidly fall in love with you, now I can no longer do whatever this shit is. I can no longer be your deep secret.”
Forcing myself to look away before my tears start falling and get to my feet. Leaving the basket behind with Cyrus, I walk away without another word.
Secretly hoping she’ll catch up to me and tell me she loves me too.
I realise how foolish a notion that is when the world stays silent behind me.
Tears silently fall, as I walk the well-trodden path back to the inn. Relying on muscle memory more than my vision.
When I finally make it back, I don’t bother to hide the pouring tears as I walk through the tavern, straight to the back and to my room that is clouded with a slight layer of dust from disuse.
Other than grabbing a change of clothes everyday, I haven't been here for months. Even grabbing clothes became less and less, after washing them and storing them in Cyrus’s room. Seeing no need to bring them back in here.
With the pace of a snail, I drop onto the bed and curl into a ball, still fully clothed.
Then the sobs start.
Each one wracking my chest in a furious frenzy of love and pain.
It was the right decision to make. Even if I wish she’d let me have one night to settle into the decision before bombarding me.
I cry and cry, until the usual ruckus of the tavern has gone to sleep.
Then I let my eyes close, and the exhaustion of crying for hours and the booze still sitting heavy in my stomach, carry me away into the darkness.