Chapter 30
Chapter Thirty
CYRUS
Swords clank together, metal on metal grating through the air, as the crew trains.
Something I started engaging in more than ever.
As a collective, we always have a set time to train, but usually it's only those who feel like it who take part; unless we're getting ready to partake in a particular mission that requires us to all scratch up on our skills.
Every day for the past three months, I’ve engaged in practice.
Working my body to the brink of exhaustion. It’s the only way I can make myself sleep– exhaust myself to the point that I have no choice, but to pass out.
And on nights that doesn’t work, I’ve taken up Amara’s old drinking habit.
Not quite to the extent she would drink, but enough to have me black out drunk and additionally grumpy the next morning.
The sun is particularly punishing today, as I spar against two others. My skin drips with sweat, the salt burning my eyes as I blink. I know I’m pushing myself– and my crew– too far, but it’s the only thing that’s keeping my restless mind in check.
Keeps memories of Tally from filtering through every aspect of my day.
My loyalty and heart belongs on this ship, just like it always has, but it feels like I left my head on Dead Chest Island.
When I do sleep, my dreams– or rather nightmares– are invaded with memories of Tally. Of what we got up to around her island. Things that could have happened, if things didn’t end the way they had.
My sword ricochets against another with a rather vicious hit, my patience wearing thin. Janny’s eyes pop open wide, sweat dripping down her face, her wide-eyed gaze is trained on the cross-section of our swords. Far too close to her face for what's meant to be a mild training session.
Our third eyes us both wary, before stepping back with hands raised and muttering excuses about being elsewhere.
It’s only then, I realise how over the top I was being during training, that I basically just attacked my crew mate. I let my thoughts get so tangled up in Tally, that I got carried away.
Mentally cringing, I pull back. “My apologies, Janny.”
She puts on a wary smile, but drops her sword. “No worries, we all get lost in our heads sometimes.”
I lift my chin in a half nod, only for my eyes to fall over the top of Janny and land on Amara. Her gaze latches onto mine, her eyes questioning what's going on. Then, she’s stomping her way over to me, her strides sure and determined to reach me before I can run and bail once again.
“Thanks for sparring with me, Janny.” Before the words have finished falling from my mouth, I’m turning and walking away from Amara’s war path.
As usual, my emotions are hidden away behind my walls. Even if they are now slightly fractured, they are so well practised no one notices the slight differences.
Trying to move as swiftly as I can away from Amara only gets me so far. The woman is like a cobra, swift and graceful but her ability to strike proves to her testimony of being the most fierce pirate captain.
A hand grabs at the back of my shirt and pulls me back into a hard chest. A small oof leaves me from the unexpected motion, before Amara turns me around to face her. Her touch feels wrong, too harsh and everything too large and calloused, instead of soft and dainty.
Her gaze searches my face intently, I can feel the way she’s seeing through the little gaps that Tally left behind. Cataloguing every crack and break in my facade, with every flick of her pupils.
“What’s going on with you, Cyrus? You’re not right. You haven’t been right since we left Dead Chest.” Amara looks concerned and with a quick glance around, I can see we’ve garnered the interest of a few others, also showing their concern as plain as day.
Except for August, who looks excited by the prospect of violence. Of course.
My throat is gruff as I respond, “Not here, Amara.”
Her concern morphs into irritation. “Then where? Because you’ve been avoiding being near me–”
The rest of her sentence is cut off by a screech. Both startled, we push back and look up, and there, above us is a raptor coming straight towards us.
Amara instantly puts her arm out for it to land, taking on the weight of the heavy bird, without so much as a wince. Her deft fingers instantly start untangling the rolled parchment on the bird's ankle.
Once unattached, the bird flies off and rests on the mast, squeaking lightly.
She looks up before unrolling the paper, gaze threatening. “This conversation is not over, Cyrus.”
Then, she gives her attention back to the parchment. I move to stand next to her so I can also read it. The chicken scratch is almost ineligible, but I can make out the important parts.
Please help. Bandits. Dead Chest.
Kind regards, Tally.
Tally.
The letter is from Tally, asking us for help.
She needs our help, there’s no way we’re ignoring this. We need to leave immediately.
I don’t wait for Amara to finish reading or to make any decisions. I don't care if I’m currently breaking rank. I’m crossing my way over the ship into the war room, Jude’s unofficial office for navigations. Jude startles with my intrusion, dropping her compass onto the map she was gazing at.
“Cyrus, what brings you in here today?”
“We need to head back to Dead Chest. Now.” My tone is all command, utilising every ounce of control I have.
Her brows scrunch together, confusion evident on her features. “Oh sure, but why?”
Opening my mouth to demand further, I’m interrupted by a voice behind me.
“Thank you, Cyrus.” Amara says, tone clipped, before directing her attention to Jude. “We’ve had word that our help is needed at Dead Chest, how soon can we get there?”
Jude replaces her confusion with a wide grin, turning to gaze at her maps once more. “About three days, give or take if the winds are in our favour or not.”
Amara nods, this time I interrupt before she can start talking. “We need to leave as soon as possible.”
It’s only at Amara’s glower, I amend, “Please.”
With one more glance at her map, Jude jumps up from the table.
“Let’s get to turning this ship around then.”
It’s almost been three days. Seventy-two hours of worrying about what’s happening on the island and if Tally is okay.
I’ve been avoiding Amara like the plague, never letting her get too close, outside of the usual crew meetings. After reading the note from Tally more clearly, I understand the urgency and the reason her writing skills were worse than a toddler learning to write.
The fact it’s taken us nearly three days to get within eye sight of Dead Chest has kept my stomach in knots.
Once Jude had the ship turned around and the wind favouring our trip back, we’d all headed towards the war room to discuss what we plan on doing when we got back to Dead Chest.
The whole time– and each time we’ve been in there since– Amara eyed me curiously. It was hard not to fidget under her unwavering stare. It’s not gone unnoticed by the rest of the crew, that I’ve not been myself the last few days.
The cracks in my stone walls grows with every heartbeat it takes for us to get back to the island.
After reading about the incidents that have taken place, I can only picture the worse that could be happening to Tally right now.
I knew we shouldn’t have left, my whole body was telling me to stay, to not leave. But I allowed my sense of duty and loyalty to dictate what I did. It’s never been a problem before, but this time everything screamed when we left. It’s all my fault.
I’ve always wished that my riotous emotions would quieten, not leaving me a quivering wreck on the inside, to give me peace.
But I didn’t want it to happen like this.
For three months I’ve been an empty shell, unfeeling. Only anger and frustration at myself, riding beneath the surface. This feeling of emptiness is surreal. I’ve never experienced such a thing before. Even when my parents died, I didn’t feel this bone deep emptiness.
I realise how much I fucked up.
I may not be in love with Tally, but there was still an attachment to her. A bone deep attraction and connection that can’t be replaced. Losing her and her companionship hurts. The ache in my chest is the only dominant feeling left behind.
It may have not been love, but it was something.
Mist hangs heavily, blurring the view of the island in front of me.
We’re well into the rainy season, as the rain pelts down across the deck.
I’m one of the only ones up here, allowing the warm rain to soak through my clothes and give me a sensation above nothing.
With plenty of time before we need to prepare to dock, everyone else is hiding below deck, out of the rain.
Even though it never lasts longer than ten minutes. I’m alone.
At least I thought I was, until someone sits next to me, a lace umbrella over their head.
“I thought I might find you sitting out here.”
Looking to the side, I find Mabel next to me. Her auburn curls barely contained in a low ponytail. I force my gaze back out to the misty air.
I hum a non committal noise, but apparently that isn’t enough to deter her from smiling and continuing.
“Amara’s been trying to pin you down since we left here, but you're avoiding her. So I thought, before we arrived, I’d talk to you.”
This time I grunt.
“Something happened with Tally, didn't it?” My gaze snaps to hers, where she’s still got the gentle smile gracing her face.
When I stay silent she continues. “I thought so. We were both rooting for the two of you. We noticed how you kept disappearing, but you seemed so happy. Then when we’re getting ready to leave, you just… seemed to fall apart.”
My head dips forward, chin hitting my chest and a deep sigh blows between my lips.
This is all too much. With the island looming in the distance and everything feeling so unresolved and raw. My current inability to feel anything other than anger. The trouble awaiting us when we dock.
“You fell in love with her, didn’t you?”
My head whips around like lightning. “What?”
“You fell in love with Tally.” She says again, slowly so I really take in every word.
I choke on thin air. Clearing my throat, I struggle out, “No. No, I didn’t.”
She hums. “Yeah, sorry. I’m not buying that. I know I haven’t known you all that long, but the way you’ve been acting– it’s obvious to see your heartbroken.”
I shake my head, denying what very well may be obvious to everyone, but me.
“Sometimes, it's not easy figuring out you're in love until it's too late. Especially if you've never been in love before.”
“I’ve been in love before.” I blurt out before I can stop myself. Mentally I wince; physically… I’m pretty sure I wince too.
Mabel’s eyes widen, into big aqua discs, before she lets a salacious look take over her features. “Oooo, who have you been in love with before?”
I shake my head. I can’t say who out loud, especially not to Mabel. The person who's currently dating the person my fractured heart belongs too.
Mabel just giggles, and gears up for another round of questions.
“Are they on this boat?” Whatever happens on my face must convince her as she nods again. “Okay, so they’re on this boat. Lower level?”
When her lips purse, she obviously has her answer. How she’s reading me so well, I don’t know. It’s concerning how she’s pulling answers from me, without me even saying a single word. Not even Amara can do that.
“Higher level then. Jude, maybe? By that face definitely not.” Did I pull a face? “Hmm, maybe Mary. No actually she’s too happy and bouncy for you. Charlotte?”
“How are you guessing my answers without me saying a word?” I question.
Her eyes glisten with a teasing quality, that has my hackles rising. “Oh it’s all in your eyes, just like with Amara when she doesn’t want to show anything outwardly.”
I try to keep the wince internal, but from her own wince, I know she sees it. Damn these stupid fractured walls.
“You think you’re in love with Amara?” Her brows crease, trying to put facts to the question.
Then she bursts out laughing.
Ouch.
“What’s so funny about that?” I growl, frustration nipping at my stomach.
She stops laughing, but turns to me with a big shit-eating grin. “Because you don’t really love Amara. Not romantically. As a sister, yes.”
“You don’t know anything.”
She shrugs. “You’re telling me, you could do the things you did with Tally, with Amara? Think about it, I think your answer might surprise you.”
The question strikes me out of my budding anger.
What in the ever loving fuck?
Why would she want me to think of things like that? She’s Amara’s girlfriend, what is this?
Mabel nudges me, giving me a nod as if to say ‘go on’.
Letting out a sigh that comes out more like a growl, I try to picture intimate things with Amara.
Every time Amara’s face morphs into Tally’s.
I picture Amara standing there waiting for me, and as I go to touch her, her form shrinks, until it’s Tally’s dainty body in front of me.
Over and over, I try. And over and over, I’m left with Tally in my mind's eye, instead of Amara.
The only thing I can picture that doesn’t make Amara change, is a platonic hug.
Fuck.
“Struggling to picture it?” Mabel speaks low, like she’s afraid to spook me as if I’m a frightened horse.
Again, I nod. The first tear breaks through its barrier and races down my cheek. A lump forms in my throat. Vision turning murky with panic.
An arm slings over my shoulders and squeezes but it feels wrong.
It's the wrong person comforting me.
It should be Tally.
“I fucked up.” I choke out.
The bell tolls out and the mist starts to part around Dead Chest Island. During our chat, we’ve gotten close enough to the island that we now need to get ready to dock.
Mabel gives me another squeeze before dropping her arm. “Now, you get the chance to make it up to her. You might want to start preparing your apology speech.”
Then, she’s up as others start to flood the deck and blurs into the mass of bodies.
She’s right.
I have one heck of an apology to make.