Chapter 45 #2
Her body deflates in my hold, but I keep her upright; she won’t be going anywhere until the buzzing in my head ends for good. If there really is something clinically wrong, that’ll be never.
“You won’t lose me. Once Alessio is gone, life will return to normal. If we don’t end him, he’ll never go away.”
“You’re asking me to do the impossible.” Finally, I manage to look her in the eyes, to reveal my own agony…
to disclose what Ana claimed. I care for another person outside the people permanently residing in the mansion behind us.
“You’re telling me to release you when he’s hurt you once, and he’ll do it again.
To let you marry him on the basis that you’ll be able to get him first.”
“Yes.”
Like it’s so fucking simple. Maybe it is. Maybe, in her world, she’s merely giving up her life. In mine, she’s giving up.
“It’ll begin a war. No matter who hits first—you, me, or your brother—fighting is inevitable. Difference is, in your plan, you could become a casualty.”
“And in yours, so can you.” Her eyes squeeze shut with her long exhale.
“If Zeno goes after him, the Commission will be forced to act, and who knows what happens then? If you do, it sends the Bratva into battle, and then Zeno’s stuck in the middle of two alliances.
If I do it, there won’t be conflict. No one will be around. Him and me, that’s it.”
That’s what makes it worse.
“I refuse.” My hand moves up her back to the base of her hair, wrapping the strands around my fingers. Anything to touch her, to remind myself she’s here with me. “It’s too risky.”
“Not doing this is a risk to you,” she whispers, cupping my face. “He threatened you. In the storage room, he made the call. You wouldn’t have seen it coming. I-I…I couldn’t—can’t lose you, Lev.” Tears well in her eyes. Once again, he’s making her cry.
If my hatred could be any deeper…
“Yet I’m supposed to entertain the possibility of losing you? Make me understand, Fina.”
This conversation is going in circles without an answer. She doesn’t realize the only answer is to not go through with this ridiculous plan.
Her hand wraps around my neck, and she drops her forehead to mine, shutting out the world. She’s all I see. All I feel. Her breath on my face. Her heart against mine. Her soul caressing mine, like it has been since the moment we met.
She’s all I ever want to feel. There’s silence in and out of my head in her arms.
“You’re always protecting me. Let me protect you.”
“I can’t watch this.” It’s an agonized fact, but what’s worse is, I can’t leave her either. I can’t be around to witness this demise, but walking away and leaving her to this fate isn’t an option either. Because I… What did my sister say? I care about her.
Yeah. That.
Caring about people is a strange notion.
It’s an emotion I never quite understood.
I care about Anastasia, but we’re bonded by blood.
Dimitri became a close friend, united over our shitty fathers and training.
My friendship with Vanessa came later, though I knew her because she and Ana hung out as teenagers, when Papa brought us around the mansion.
Since she’s become Pakhan, she’s owned my fealty.
I care about all of them enough to die for them, but they’re people—family—who’ve been around most of my life.
Serafina doesn’t fit in with any of them. With her, it’s a different kind of caring. A kind there is no title for. A different part of my heart clinging to hers.
“I need you by my side for this,” she pleads, ensuring it’s exactly what’ll happen.
With those words, she seals my death. She asked, so I’ll be doing it, exactly like taking the job of protecting her in the first place. All because she asked. Everything at her request.
So, so curious.
“It’s the only way I’ll be able to go through with it.” Because what she’s said so far wasn’t enough. She’s already stripped me down; why not take my fucking soul with her too?
My lips slide up and down her neck, silently whispering words to her—telling her my feelings—in a language she’ll never understand, because I certainly don’t. I don’t know what it means, how to speak the words, how to describe the clenching of my heart or what this entire thing is doing to me.
“Thank you for understanding.”
“I don’t understand,” I reply, tone flat. “I’ll never accept this.”
“A couple months. Then, it’ll be over.”
Why do I have the dreadful feeling this will never be over?
“Can you put me down?”
Reluctantly, I do, straightening the dress I should be tossing onto the floor right about now.
What began as a perfect night, with her looking like a vision, has turned into my nightmare.
Though she’s still more beautiful than anything in the world, the sight of her like this will forever be a reminder of what’ll soon be happening.
The next time she’s dressed up, it’ll be in a wedding dress.
One. Two One.
She takes my hand, walking the stretch my arm allows.
With a tilt of her head towards the mansion, she indicates her wishes, but this time, I deny her.
“I can’t go back inside yet.” Not until I finish breathing, because coming out here wasn’t enough, not when the focus of my issues followed and ruined the night air.
She drops her hand to her side, her expression falling right alongside it. I hate making her sad, though considering she’s all but destroyed me, it’s what I’m stuck on.
“You go ahead. I’ll see you later. And Fina,” I call before she gets too far away, “you look absolutely gorgeous. Taking you to the ballet tonight was an honour.”
Every step she takes, my insides crack a bit more, imagining a similar walk away from me. One down an aisle to Vitale.
As she approaches the mansion, a third figure appears, my torment being dragged out between each person.
They share a few words before Serafina continues to the house, and my Pakhan continues, stopping a few feet away and crossing her arms. Death lines her eyes, her jaw sharp enough to break glass, and she shakes her head once.
I deserve everything she’ll say and do to me, but I won’t regret any of it.
“I told myself I was imagining it,” she starts. “That you wouldn’t do something like that, especially after you promised me you two were barely friends. The way you looked at her before you left tonight, then your behaviour in my office, what you said… Lev, how could you?”
I remain silent, rocking on my feet, wishing the wind could take me along with it.
No, not even then. Running leaves Serafina alone, and I won’t do that to her.
“It’s unlike you. So much so, I don’t believe it.” She gestures behind her without turning. “I asked her about it, to ensure it was something you both wanted. Do you know how fucking painful that was? So I could be absolutely certain before talking to you.”
“I’d never hurt her.”
“I’m aware. She said you fought it for a while.”
“Da.”
“I asked myself what to do the entire way out. Zeno needs to know, but he has enough shit to deal with, and I’d prefer not to add to it, which means I’m lying to him. But he will, Lev, eventually be told. He’s her brother, the head of her family, and he’s responsible for her.”
“Understood.”
“You…you’re my Elite. One of my most trusted.” She shakes her head, rubbing a hand down her face. “I don’t know what to think. Ana asked me to go easy on you because you care for her. So I have to ask: was it only sex?”
It should be. Should have been. Fuck, it shouldn’t have been anything, only sex or otherwise. From the moment I kissed her, I knew eventually, she’d return home, and this would end.
I never actually considered breaking an obsession. Papa’s tried that in the past, and his answer was to lock me in prison. It never worked how he wanted it to, but maybe it’s what needs to happen: a full year in there to ensure I stay away from her after this.
Because it’s not only sex, and I don’t think it ever was.
“Nyet.”
She blinks. “I think that’s the most emotion I’ve heard from you yet.”
“It was one word.”
“It wasn’t what you said, but how you said it.” She pauses, rubbing her tongue across her teeth. “Help me understand why, when you’re aware of who she is. Why risk two leaders’ wrath? She’s not meant for this life. Zeno wants her away from the mob, and you’re right in the middle of one.”
Like he’s done such a good job keeping her away. “I’m aware.”
“Do you? I witnessed differently inside.”
“Does it matter? I have to now, don’t I? Have to watch her marry that asshole.”
She sighs, her arms dropping to her side. “Suppose I should go easy on you. Their wedding is bound to be punishment enough.”
“Do whatever, Vanessa…Pakhan.” My head tips in the respect I’m not really feeling right now as a sign of faith. “I deserve any punishment you choose, and I knew it the second I touched her, even when I tried so fuckin’ hard to stay away.”
“I believe you,” she murmurs so softly, the wind nearly drowns her out. “I know you, Lev. You wouldn’t risk your position for anyone. You don’t allow people to get close, but if she’s managed to, it means she’s special. That Ana was correct in claiming you care for her.”
“She makes everything clearer. Makes my head focus.” Like Anastasia, I’ve never admitted much to Vanessa, but she’s picked up enough over the years to understand me on a general level.
Vanessa hums. “I’m pissed at you, but I’m tabling this for now—for her. The next few weeks will be trying, and fuck knows that girl needs some happiness in her life. If you’re it, then I’ll pretend to be okay with it. But once Vitale is gone, we will be talking.”
She spins on her heel and heads back into the mansion without another word, leaving me to my regrets, my thoughts…my feelings.
My pain.