Chapter Forty-Nine
Chapter
Forty-Nine
I ended up taking the subway home. Wyatt wanted to drive me from Longwood, where he’d left his car, but I declined the offer.
My brain felt like a pinball machine, with my thoughts shooting here, there, and everywhere.
One second, I was thinking about the murder and the next about the kiss.
Then my thoughts jumped to the story Wyatt had shared about his background before hopping to Livy’s guardianship and then back to the kiss again.
It was exhausting and distracting, and I needed some time to settle the whirring in my head.
I arrived home—just barely beating the rain—to find Livy hyped up from ice cream, leftover chocolate cake, and a lip-synch battle with Jemma. By the time she’d had a shower and dressed in her pajamas, she’d settled down enough that I could at least hope she’d fall asleep without much trouble.
Jemma wanted a detailed account of the stakeout as soon as I arrived home, but I made her wait until Livy was asleep. She grumbled a bit but gave in and scrolled through her social media feeds while I tucked my niece into bed.
“Did you have fun with Jemma?” I asked Livy as I sat on the edge of her mattress.
She nodded, hugging her dinosaur stuffie with one arm and a plush turtle with the other. “I love Jemma. I want to make her a friendship bracelet.”
“That’s sweet. She’d love it.”
Livy’s forehead scrunched up with worry. “I don’t have the stuff I need to make a friendship bracelet.”
“We’ll get some,” I assured her, mentally working out how much money I had left in my bank account. “Just…maybe in a week or two, okay?”
She nodded. “I want to make a bracelet for you too, Auntie Em.”
Her words, and the pure love behind them, set off a warm glow inside my chest.
“Thank you, sweet pea.” I kissed her head. “I’d wear it every day.”
“Can I make one for Daddy too?”
I smiled through the sudden ache that cleaved my heart. “Of course you can.”
Her forehead scrunched again. “He can’t wear it in heaven, can he?”
“Maybe not,” I said, choosing my words carefully, “but I bet he’ll know that you made it for him. And he’ll love it so much.”
She considered that before looking into my eyes. “Do you want to make one for him too?”
I smiled, even though it hurt to do so. “I’d like that very much.”
“But if he was your brother, does that mean he wasn’t your friend?”
I fought to keep my smile from trembling. “He was both.” My eyes stung from the tears I refused to let fall. “My brother and my friend.”
Maybe that hadn’t been true when we were younger, when I made a pastime out of pestering him and he was always striving to gross me out, but by the time I finished high school, that had changed for the better.
Livy yawned, her eyelids growing heavy.
I kissed her head again and switched off the bedside lamp.
“Sweet dreams, Livysaurus,” I said when I reached the door.
“Night night, Auntie Emersyn,” she said sleepily.
As I eased out of her bedroom, I heard her whisper, “Night night, Daddy.”
I pressed a hand to my chest to help me hold back a sob.
Jemma jumped up from the couch when she saw the tears that had finally broken free to tumble silently down my cheeks.
“Oh, Em.” She gave me a quick hug. “Are you okay?”
I wiped away my tears and nodded. “I’m fine. I’ve got lots to tell you.”
She eyed me with concern but didn’t press the issue.
I appreciated that. The day had left me emotionally wrung out, and I didn’t want to cry and exhaust myself further.
Instead, I gave Jemma a lighthearted play-by-play of everything that had transpired during the stakeout.
She squealed when I got to the part about the kiss.
I tried to downplay it, but my bestie saw right through me.
Eventually, Jemma left and, once alone, I sat on my bed staring at my phone for a long time.
My stomach tied itself up in tighter and tighter knots with every passing minute.
I couldn’t sleep, not with so much on my mind.
Maybe I’d regret my next move, but I needed to try to take the reins in my life.
Not letting myself chicken out, I called my mom, bracing myself for an argument or at least for her not to listen to a word I had to say.
“Emersyn, hon?” she said when she picked up. “It’s late for a call. Is everything all right?”
The genuine concern in her voice cracked me open. Tears spilled down my cheeks.
“Everything’s okay,” I assured her through quiet sobs.
“But you’re crying. Something must be wrong.”
I clutched a pillow to me, holding on like it was a life preserver.
“I miss Ethan, Mom,” I said, emotion pouring out of me, through my tears and my words.
“So much that it hurts. Physically hurts. I know you miss him too. And I don’t want us fighting.
We both love Livy. We both want what’s best for her.
Please, can’t you give me a chance to prove that I can be a good parent to her? ”
My sobs intensified after I finished talking. I didn’t know if my mom had even been able to understand my words.
Silence stretched between us. My breath hitched as I tried to get my sobs under control. I was about to ask my mom if she was still there when she finally spoke, her voice thick with emotion.
“I do know what you mean, Emersyn. It hurts every day. And Livy is all I’ve got left of Ethan. It’s hard to let her go at the end of our visits.”
I wiped at my tears. “I know it is, and if you want to spend more time with her, I’m fine with that. She loves visiting you. But I don’t think uprooting her is in her best interest.”
Another long pause followed.
“You might be right,” my mom finally conceded. “But I worry about your financial and employment stability. I worry about it for Livy’s sake, and I worry about it for your sake.”
“I’m getting things back on track,” I said, hoping that was true. “Please, Mom, give me a chance.”
The next pause stretched on so long that I almost gave up hope of ever getting a response.
Then, finally, my mom spoke quietly.
“I can do that. But, Emersyn, when it comes down to it, I have to put Livy’s needs first.”
“Always,” I agreed, hoping desperately that I wouldn’t blow this chance.