Chapter 11
Ava
I’m frozen in my doorway, staring at the man lounging in my bed. When he’d canceled class for the rest of the week, a sliver of concern had eased its way into my heart. I worried that something had happened, or even selfishly thought his heart was breaking as much as mine had been.
Slamming the door closed, I stand there with crossed arms. “This isn’t space.”
Asher looks up from the book he’d been reading, discarding it on my pillow and sitting up. “I need to show you something.”
I frown, then shake my head. “I told you I want time to decide?—”
“It’s not a toy or game. It’s important.”
There’s a pleading in his eyes I’ve never seen before, but I don’t want to give him what he wants. If I do, then he’ll just keep pushing and I’ll fall back into him. He walks forward, stopping a step away and not touching me.
“Please, Ava.”
I let out a shuddered breath, never expecting him to use that word. “Fine.”
Dropping my backpack onto the floor, I concede and follow him out of my dorm. He walks slightly ahead of me, but I can see his fists curl as if he wants to reach out and grab me. My heart does a little flip when he doesn’t even glance around before opening his door for me to slide into his car.
He’s being reckless about our relationship and I selfishly preen as he pulls out of the parking lot. I keep my eyes on his dashboard as we drive off campus, not wanting to see any curious glances sent our way.
“You hungry?”
I shrug. “I guess I could eat.”
“Okay, we won’t be long. We can grab some food after.”
Raising my eyebrows, I glance at him. “Just extending your time?”
Asher shakes his head. “No. If you don’t want food after, I’ll take you home.”
“My dorm?”
He looks over at me, curious. “Do you have another home?”
I realize my attempt to clarify that he wasn’t going to take me anywhere else makes it look like I view his house as my home. I shake my head and his lips quirk once before he turns back to the road.
Twenty silent minutes later, he pulls into the park with a large field spanned before us and I glance around, confused. Asher points to the corner and I see a family running around each other. A man and a very pregnant woman with three children.
My heart constricts because the kids all have a dark shade of brown hair that is similar to Asher’s. A tingle builds on my dry tongue and my lungs squeeze in my chest. If he has a secret second family and I’ve just been a dirty secret mistress, I’m going to vomit in his fancy car.
“That’s my brother and his family.”
I blink, tears clearing my eyes and I collapse into the seat. He looks at me, bemused and I shake my head. “I thought…never mind.”
His knuckles tighten on the steering wheel. “That’s never going to be me.”
I take in his hard face, his coiled jaw and furrowed brows as he watches his brother. Then he turns to face me. “I’m never going to want kids, to be a family. I had a vasectomy when I was 18 and I get the checkups to ensure it’s still working.”
That doesn’t surprise me. He seems like the type of man to do that, but then I frown when I remember something. “But you asked if I was on birth control?”
Asher’s jaw moves back and forth. “I’ve had someone try to lie before.”
Jealousy surges inside me like it does every time he alludes to previous partners. I hate it, but he’s so much older than me so I have to accept it. I glare at him. “So it was a test? If you don’t remember, I hate you. Why would I want your baby?”
Asher blows out a long breath. “I thought you were falling in love with me. Which one is it, love or hate?”
Both.
I snap my mouth shut, not wanting to confess anything.
We stare at each other, waiting for the other to continue talking for a few moments. His mouth tips up in one corner before he shakes his head.
“I guess that’s enough of an answer. But that’s what I’m trying to tell you, Ava. If that’s what you want, a big happy family with kids, that’s never going to be me. I’m not going to change my mind. I’ve never been one to love normally, it’s hard for me to even show affection to my brother. And he’s the only other person I care about, but I want you.”
He licks his lips, sighing again. “I’m not sure what you need from me to show you that. You saw how obsessed I am with you, and the longer we spend apart, the more I want to snatch you and keep you locked up.”
“Why?”
Asher looks at me, confused. “Why what?”
“Why do you want to keep me locked up? Because you’re afraid I’m going to leave or because you want me to be your personal sex toy?”
His mouth slacks open, and he blinks before turning back to his brother. I watch as his throat bobs and I wait patiently. I may not have as much life experience as him, but I have a suspicion of what he’s trying to tell me, even if he doesn’t.
“I guess I am afraid of you leaving.”
His confession causes hope to bloom in my chest and I nod slowly.
“And it’s why you like to be in control and be the one to end relationships.”
Asher narrows his eyes, indignation burning in them. “Perhaps we should have your major switched to psychology.”
I laugh humorlessly and shake my head. “No, I don’t care to hear or help with other’s problems. I just spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering why you are the way you are and why the hell I like it.”
“And you concluded that I have abandonment issues that bleed into the constant need for control.”
Shrugging, I fidget with my fingers. “Something like that.”
“And what about you? You figure out why you like it?”
I can’t fight the smile that spreads on my face, and I glance at him sheepishly. “Daddy issues?”
Asher tips his head back and laughs. It’s so carefree sounding that it almost makes me tear up. When he looks back at me, the adoration swimming in his eyes makes my breath catch, and I blurt out what I’ve been holding in.
“I don’t want kids either.” As soon as the words leave my mouth, I realize how true they are. I’ve never really thought about it in depth, but it’s not a conversation people just have regularly. The reality of what I want settles in my chest. I give Asher a small smile. “I don’t want kids.”
His eyebrow arches. “Are you sure? Or are you saying that to agree with me?”
I scowl. “It has nothing to do with you. If it did, I could easily leave you and find someone to knock me up.”
A darkness flickers over his face and I roll my eyes then sigh, looking back at his brother’s family. “I’ve always felt like a burden. My mom didn’t want me and dumped me on my father. And don’t get me wrong, my dad is a fantastic dad. I love him more than life and he’s done everything he can for me. But that’s the thing, you know? He does what he has to because of me . Sometimes I wonder where he would be or what he would be doing if he didn’t stay with the same job for twenty plus years to provide for his kid.”
I swallow the ache in my throat and slide my attention back to Asher. “Am I a bad person to think kids are a burden? That I don’t fault my parents for thinking I was too? That I don’t want the responsibility of caring for someone else? That the thought of having to lug around another human everywhere I go sounds so daunting that I can’t comprehend ever wanting that?”
“No, I think that makes you normal and someone thinking logically about what they want in life. I doubt your dad thinks you’re a burden, and I’m sorry I assumed you want a family.”
A laugh bubbles out of me and I smile at his apology. “A please and a sorry on the same day. I never thought it would come.”
He runs his hand through his hair, his mouth quirks at my teasing. “You wanted time to think about us, but I want to make sure you know what you’re getting into if you choose us. It’s only ever going to me and you. I’ll only ever want you.”
“What about a cat?”
He grimaces. “I’ll think about a cat.”
“You have a mirror of my photos. I think I deserve a cat.” I bite down on my tongue to keep from laughing. I don’t actually want a pet anytime soon, but I don’t think I’ll be in a position to negotiate with Asher again. So I gotta take advantage of it while I can.
“Fine, one cat. No dogs.”
I shake my head. “No dogs.”
His eyes darken. “Can I kiss you now?”
My core clenches at the thought of his hands on me again. “I didn’t think Asher Rockford asked for anything.” It comes out deep, hoarse with arousal.
He lets out a guttural growl before he lunges at me.