Chapter 9
“Are you sure we should be doing this?” I ask Kai, feeling ridiculously self-conscious and certain I’m going to embarrass myself.
“Yes. Come on, it’ll be fun. I promise,” Kai replies, both boards tucked under his arms as we walk through the sand.
“Kai,” I say, my eyes cast downward, a nervous energy rolling through me, and for a split second, I feel like I might start crying. That or puke as my hands begin to shake, my knees going weak, bringing me back to a time I never want to relive.
To a time when I learned quickly that my job was to just stand around and look good. I wasn’t to say anything because opening my mouth might embarrass him, and embarrassing him equated to the worst possible thing that could happen.
I lost myself in all those days I stayed, and I hate that I missed all the red flags. I used to be opinionated and strong, something he said he was drawn to, telling me it was his favorite thing about me. But slowly he chipped away at all the things that made me who I was.
He’d nitpick little things, saying he didn’t like the dress I chose for an event because it was too much or that I looked sloppy when I left the house without makeup on.
Reminding me that I was as much a reflection of him as he was.
Just don’t ever be better than him, but also don’t be too little.
The imaginary line was so thin I needed a magnifying glass to see it.
He began to control what I posted on social media, who I talked to, and while I thought it was just my friends being bothered that I was in a relationship with someone famous, he was the reason they all disappeared.
It was red flag after red flag, a constant cycle of build me up, knock me down, apologize, and do it all again.
Manipulation at its best, and I didn’t gain this clarity until I stepped away from it. But now I’m standing here, staring at the ocean, about to do something new, and it feels too intimate, too scary.
But more than all of that, I’m scared of what Kai might think, so conditioned to walk on eggshells, to be perfect, perfectly quiet.
“I can’t do this,” I say, my words nearly lost in the sound of the waves lapping at the shore.
Flopping down in the sand, I will myself not to cry. I’ve already done it once in front of Kai, and I don’t need him thinking I’m some fucked up mess. Even if I am right now.
“What are you talking about? You told me you can swim,” he replies, wedging the boards into the sand and joining me, his knees pulled up, leaning on his hands behind him.
“I can swim,” I reply, letting out a little chuckle, but it feels humorless.
“That’s basically all it is in the beginning. Swimming out and waiting for a wave,” Kai says. “The fun part is when you actually catch one, and it just wrecks you. Launches you in the air, water up your nose, suit wedged up your ass.”
What if this is the same situation I just left? What if Kai is showing me someone he isn’t, and I fall for it all over again? I shouldn’t even be here with him.
God, everything is so fucked up.
This should just be about me learning to do something new, something fun, but all I can think about is past trauma.
That’s what it is. It’s not just a breakup, and I wish like hell it was, but it was emotional abuse for the last five years of my life. Recovering from that isn’t as simple as moving away and learning to surf.
It’s ruining this experience for me, and as much as I wish I could just get over it, I can’t. But I also don’t want to unload on Kai. What I need is a therapist, not to learn how to surf.
“Come on, Quinn. I don’t know what’s going on in your head, but let it go. Surfing is good for the soul. It’s humbling, it’s connecting with Mother Nature, it’s pushing yourself, it’s exhilarating, but best of all, it’s fucking epic when you catch a wave and ride it for the first time.”
Every word he says buries itself deep within me, and I want to trust him, but the fear lingers.
“If it’s awful, we can stop,” Kai assures, smiling at me. “But it’s not going to be. You’re going to fall in love with it.”
He leans into me, giving me a gentle shove with his shoulder. I take a deep breath and find myself agreeing to do this with him…again.
“Don’t get me wrong, you’re gonna get drilled, like, over and over,” he clarifies, and I don’t know what comes over me, but I respond with the first thing that comes into my head.
Something I would never have had the guts to say in front of Sean, but with Kai, I feel more like myself than I have in years.
“That’s what she said.”
He pauses for a split second before he bursts out laughing.
“Fuck, Quinn, you’re gonna fit right in with all of us,” he says, his laughter contagious and sweet. “Now let’s get you out on a board.”
Well, he wasn’t wrong about getting drilled. I’ve only been able to stand up once, getting knocked down more times than I can count, and I’m pretty sure my sinuses will be clear for the next lifetime with the amount of saltwater that has shot up them.
But it’s been amazing.
I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun. The laughing and the frustration, the encouragement from Kai and his endless patience. He pushes me to continue trying, and I never once feel like I’m being judged.
“One more,” I say, breathless. All this paddling out is a great workout, and Kai is right, I’m addicted. I want to harness the power of the water and catch a wave, to feel in charge and in control.
“I knew you’d love it,” Kai quips, hitting me with a wink. “I’d love to say you’re a natural, but you definitely need more practice.”
“What?” My mouth falls open in mock shock at his comment. “Come on, I fall so expertly that there has to be some good in that, right?”
“You do make it look very graceful,” Kai jokes, the two of us out on the water, our bodies bobbing with the waves.
His foot brushes against mine, and I literally freak out, pulling my legs up onto the board, screaming about a fish touching me. Because that’s what it feels like, despite knowing I haven’t seen one since we’ve been out here.
An overreaction.
All of this makes Kai burst out laughing, shaking his head.
“Settle down. It was just my foot,” he assures, reaching over to rest a comforting hand on my thigh. Under it, I feel the warmth of his skin, the salt from the sea, rough and dry, his calloused hand, and I can’t remember the last time someone’s touch felt good.
Kai’s feels perfect.
I nod softly, pulling my lip between my teeth, my cheeks growing warm with embarrassment. I can feel the flush move to my chest, and Kai shakes his head, giving me a sweet smirk.
“The ocean looks good on you, Quinn, even when you overreact to being touched by my foot,” Kai tells me, and again, that flirty banter has me wanting to spend more time with him.
“Thanks. I’ll admit, it’s been really fun,” I tell him, and he sits up a little taller on his board, confident in his decision to push me. “Seriously, though, thanks for this.”
It’s been so long since I did something for myself, always putting Sean first, and sometimes I wonder if that’s why I held on so tightly to my job. It was my own.
And out here on the water, this feels like mine.
“Anytime, Quinn, anytime.”
He looks back over his shoulder, his face lighting up, and I know the perfect wave is coming in.
“Ready?” he calls out. “You’ve got this one!”
And I do. Feeling confident under Kai’s watch, I begin to paddle, the wave bigger than any I’ve caught so far.
Kai intentionally brought me to this part of the island to surf, telling me the waves are smaller and easier, but this one coming in is either going to ruin me or make me.
I feel the wave under my board, and I manage to pop up, shocking myself and eliciting a shout of approval from Kai.
But that’s where the excitement ends. Losing my balance, I can feel I’m about to go ass up, and boy, do I ever.
The board shoots up in the air like a damn rocket, taking my leg with it, but not before I hit the water with such gusto that it sucks off my bikini bottoms.
The surfboard disconnects itself from me, floating away, and my bottoms are lost in the vast emptiness of the ocean, never to be seen again.
When I finally pop up from under the water, I realize I can only see out of one eye. The ocean just keeps taking from me: my bikini bottoms, my contact lens, my dignity.
“Quinn!” I hear Kai call, and if I thought I was embarrassed before, it’s about to get even worse.
How the hell am I going to get out of the water without bottoms and without everyone on this beach getting a full-frontal show? This is a public beach, not a strip club.
“Oh my god, Kai,” I wail, closing my eyes as he paddles up next to where I’m currently bobbing in the water, my cat getting a full cleanse from the ocean.
“You okay?” he asks me, holding out a hand, as if he’s going to pull me onto his board, but hell no.
“I think I lost every bit of self-preservation along with my bikini bottoms,” I admit, and Kai glances down at the water, not even on purpose, just instinct.
“Shit,” he says, his eyes wide. He looks around, taking in all the people on the beach, the surfers that dot the water. “Hang on.”
And just when I think he’s going to run back to the shore, grab me a towel or whatever, he hops into the water next to me.
Pulling off his boardshorts, he hands them to me. “Put these on. All these people expect me to do something stupid anyway.” Shrugging, he smiles and begins to walk out of the water, his board in front of him, his ass crack on display for all the world to see.
Who said chivalry is dead?
“We all have a story like that,” Kai says as we’re walking back to the surf shop. “It’s like a rite of passage. You should feel honored that the ocean kept a piece of you. Actually, several pieces of you.”
He now has a towel wrapped around his waist, but not before he did his walk of shame to leave his board in the sand. Returning to the water to retrieve the one I lost.
I laugh out loud at his joke, enjoying that I can laugh at myself and feel zero remorse or guilt for having fun.
“What’s your story?” I ask him, my brows going up as I wait for his answer, assuming he probably doesn’t have one since he grew up on the water.
“Oh, I don’t remember ever getting rocked by a wave. Probably did as a kid, but I’ve embarrassed myself plenty,” he says, elusively.
“Oh really? Care to share?”
“And ruin the perfect image of a surf god that you have of me? Not a chance,” Kai jokes, and he’s kind of right. He is a surf god in my eyes, especially when he’s shirtless and wet and tanned.
“Come on. Sacrifice yourself and tell me,” I urge playfully. “I put myself out there, losing my bottoms and now walking back here with zero depth perception, clinging to your boardshorts because they’re a little too loose.”
Kai chuckles, resting the boards against the side of the surf shop. He turns to look at me, and his deep brown eyes take me in, and all I can do is smile at him.
He’s so strikingly gorgeous that it almost takes my breath away. There’s something so simple about him, so pure, and that’s what makes him so attractive: his carefree attitude and the strength of his features. He isn’t what you expect when you think of surfers—all blonde and tanned.
Everything about him is the opposite: the dark hair, the rich brown eyes, the lean muscle, the sun-kissed skin.
“Okay, fine,” he concedes, rolling his eyes. “So once, when I was out on the water with the guys, a hole ripped in the crotch of my boardshorts.”
He stops, and I cock my head to the side and narrow my eyes, lips pursed. Nothing about this feels as ridiculous as what happened to me.
“And every time I popped up on my board to catch a wave, the good old flesh chandelier would drop right out of the ballroom. First couple of waves, I’d be out there trying to decide if I should ride the wave or shove my junk back in.”
The laughter comes almost immediately after his description, tears spilling from my eyes, but instead of crying like I have been over bullshit, I’m dying of hilarity.
“In the end, I just said fuck it and let them fly free,” Kai says, ending one of the funniest stories I’ve ever heard.
“I totally feel better now,” I say, nodding as I continue to laugh.
“Good.”