Chapter 5 #4
I didn’t say anything. I leaned my head back against the couch and put my eyes on the high ceiling.
The wheels in my mind started to turn as I thought about changing the bulbs in the light fixture.
It was huge. Had at least ten bulbs in it.
But… my thing was… someone had to get on a damn ladder just to change one when it went out.
The only thing I had to grab back at the apartment was a chair to change a bulb.
First Lady’s house was just too damn big.
With a deep breath, my mind wandered back to where the tears were rooted.
Demetrius. I wondered what he’d say if he knew I was here, working for the Christ family.
He’d approve. He fucked with them heavy.
I wondered how he felt now after Zeke left him.
Probably the same. Since he understood the game better than I did.
I sighed. Closed my eyes and thought more of my brother.
“I miss him,” I whispered.
I wasn’t supposed to say that out loud.
That was supposed to stay inside.
How it crept outside, I didn’t know. It just did.
And the minute the words left my lips, I regretted not being able to control my thoughts.
Or how they formed at least. He wasn’t supposed to hear that.
No one was supposed to know that. I mean…
they knew… but they weren’t supposed to hear it from me.
They were supposed to hear that I was okay.
They were supposed to only see what I was comfortable showing them.
Smiles. That’s it. This part of me was supposed to be saved for quiet time alone.
This side of grief was reserved only for me and God.
“Of course you do,” Exodus said. “You loss a brother. Couldn’t imagine…”
“I wouldn’t want you to. It’s,” I paused and swallowed. “It hurts.” Turning to face him, I opened my eyes. “I feel a little guilty.”
I did.
Hadn’t actually faced that fact.
Kept those thoughts even out of my mind. Every time I thought about what I felt guilty about, I dismissed it. Before a full thought could even form. I was so… conflicted about it.
“About what?”
I clenched down on my teeth and tears built behind my eyes. “I—”
“You don’t have to share. Feel like you want to tho’. Need to, really,” Exodus interrupted, letting me know I didn’t have to tell him anything I wasn’t comfortable with telling before I started to stammer over my words.
I did want to tell him though.
No.
I needed to.
I needed to face it.
To say it out loud.
“I—you know… my momma… she died too, right?” I said, tears rolling down my face.
He turned to face me. Head leaned against the back of the couch too. We were connected. Eye to eye. Like that other time when I sensed something other than pity coming from him. Today, it was the same. Today, it was compassion. And I swear to God I felt like his eyes were misty too.
“Yeah, I’m hip,” he softly said. The softness of his deep baritone comforting, almost as much as his arms wrapped around me.
I… I fucking liked Exodus Christ.
What people said about him… it couldn’t have been true. Brutal? Mean? Condescending? Cold? Callous? Didn’t fit what he showed me… at all.
“Losing Meech. Losing my brother. It—for some reason… it hurts more.”
There.
I said it.
I loved my momma with everything in me but for some reason losing Meech pained me more.
The pain in my chest was somewhat unbearable.
To a point where I’d have to massage my chest sometimes just to ease the pain.
I didn’t like it. Missing him more. Hurting more behind his death.
To me, it didn’t make any sense. She was my momma.
He was my brother. I didn’t want to compare the two.
I didn’t, honestly. It was just something I noticed and the minute I did, I felt an immense amount of guilt.
So much, that any time I thought about Meech, I made sure to think about her, too.
Which did nothing but make me hurt more.
I was torturing myself because I didn’t want to miss my brother more than I missed my momma.
“That makes sense tho’,” he said with a pause. “After your moms died, all you had was him… right? Pops in prison—”
“Yes, he’s in prison.”
“Exactly. All you had was Meech, baby girl. Losing him of course hurts more because shit… now it feel like you have nobody.”
“Feel like I don’t have nobody?” I snorted. “I don’t have anybody. It’s just me.”
“You only see it that way because you can only see it that way. But you’ve got plenty. Might not account for what you’ve lost, but I promise you not alone out here.”
I didn’t respond to that. Instead, I circled back to missing Meech more than my momma.
“You sure that’s not… weird?”
“I’m more than sure. You clung onto him because he was all you had left.
In a sense. Losing him was catastrophic, baby.
Drinking and shit won’t mask that. I’m telling you.
I told you. Don’t get lost at the bottom of a bottle.
Don’t get sloppy. Feel what you need to feel.
Stop running. It’ll only hurt you in the long run. Speaking from experience.”
I didn’t say anything, but I heard him. Didn’t mean I took heed though because regardless of what he said, I was going to do what I wanted to do anyway.