Chapter 5 #2
Auntie Charlene reached forward and opened the door.
Upon opening it, we were greeted by two men who handed us funeral programs. The sound of the church organ greeted us too.
Once we made it pass the entry point of the church, we took a turn and headed up a grand, carpeted staircase.
Each step I took felt harder than the last one.
So much so that when we got to the double doors at the top of the stairs, I paused.
Hanging my head, I let out a deep sigh, watching the floor as tears fell onto it.
“Take your time, baby,” said Auntie Danielle, rubbing me on the back.
I glanced up at the doors, tempted to stand on my tiptoes to get a glimpse of what was inside through the small window. I wasn’t prepared for this. I wasn’t prepared at all.
Again, I stroked the crystal. This time, closing my eyes, asking God to give me strength.
In addition to my family being by my side, I needed Him, my angels, and the ancestors too.
I needed the whole damn squad. I asked Him to guide my feet, to ease my aching, racing heart, and to settle my spirit.
I let out a deep breath and said a silent Amen.
Domonique opened the door and I gasped at the sight of the black casket sitting in the front of the church in the middle of two massive floral arrangements. At the head of the church stood two men too. Because I didn’t go to church, I wasn’t sure who they were. Maybe ushers?
“You don’t have to go up to the casket if you don’t want to, cuz,” whispered Alani, gripping my arm tighter, noticing how hesitant I was.
“I have to,” I mumbled.
I did have to. I had to see my brother one last time.
I had to see him for the first time ever, in a suit.
I huffed, smiling to myself a little. If it were up to him, he’d wear street clothes and a fucking shiesty to his funeral.
My brother didn’t even wear a suit to mama’s funeral.
He was in all black, with his locs in his face instead of the shiesty.
Only because they weren’t a thing back then.
With a deep breath, I continued towards the casket. From where I was, I could only make out his side profile and from what I could see, they did good with him. Put me in the mind-frame of seeing him on the couch, knocked out.
“Take your time, baby. Take your time,” whispered Auntie Danielle again.
Like before, my hand went to my crystal.
The church organs grew louder. Screamed at me.
Practically begging me to break down. Which I did.
As soon as I made it to the casket and looked down at what I could easily call my heart in human form, I broke.
My brother. My one and only. It was just the two of us…
now look. I never told him but losing him was one of my biggest fears.
I put on a tough, positive face every time he left the house because that’s what I felt like he needed.
But shit… that didn’t matter. I lost my nigga anyway.
“Hold her up,” said Auntie Charlene to Lake and Alani when my legs grew weak and started to wobble.
“We are,” yelled Alani. She sniffled, tears falling from her eyes too. “This is hard for us too, shit. My fuckin cousin bro…”
My face was drenched with tears. The little bit of makeup I put on this morning was pointless. I didn’t know why I’d gone through the trouble anyway. Somehow I convinced myself that if I looked good, I would feel good.
I don’t know how long I stood there before I finally sat down.
On the first pew, a couple of feet away from his casket.
I stared at him. Wishing he’d get up. Wishing it all was a dream.
I didn’t know what I was going to do without my brother.
He was more than my heart in human form.
He was my confidant. Someone I always turned to.
The realest nigga I’d ever known. Sitting in reality, looking at him just…
lay there, motionless… lifeless… it really fucked me up.
After about twenty minutes, people started to pile into the church.
I was in a daze. Quiet. So many people walked up to me, offering condolences, giving hugs I didn’t return.
My attention was fixed on my big brother.
When people walked up to the casket to view him, or up to me, I got antsy and tried to look around them.
I just… I didn’t want to take my eyes off of him.
Felt like it was because I knew that after today I’d never see him again.
“Oh my fuckin’ God,” mumbled Alani, sitting next to me, looking over her shoulder, getting Lake’s attention.
She instantly jumped up. I didn’t react. I kept my eyes on my brother. That was until he blocked my view and glanced over at me. My mother’s killer. Demetrius Sr.
An unhealthy amount of anger hit me, as I watched him lean over Meech’s casket, looking down at him.
Behind him stood two police officers, close but far enough to give him respect.
He was bigger than I remembered. In height and in build.
Cockier, like he hadn’t missed a day of lifting.
His locs were a lot longer than it was when he went in.
Unkept, pulled back in a thick ponytail.
Changes that happened due to the years passing.
I felt a hand glide across my back. Could have been either one of my cousins.
Might’ve been one of my aunties. Probably Charlene.
I didn’t know. I was frozen. Too frozen to look over my shoulder.
Too frozen to move. The only thing I did do was cry.
The tears, they fell on they own, my bodies response to not only grief but shock and that seething anger too.
What the fuck was he doing here? I thought…
Auntie Danielle was talking about a virtual viewing.
What the fuck was this? Why did they let him come?
How did he even know where the funeral was?
She ran her fucking mouth. He… he didn’t deserve to be here.
I was crushed. Meech hated our daddy. More than I did.
He wouldn’t want him here. I looked away from Demetrius Sr. And looked up. I’m so sorry brother. I’m so sorry.
Sucking in a gust of air, my shoulders shook as I started to break down. The hand on my back went to my shoulders, where they massaged me. I jerked away from their touch and jumped up from the pew. Before I could walk over to him, the police officers blocked my path.
“Get the fuck out of here!” I yelled at the top of my lungs, my body shaking with each word. “Get him the fuck out of heeeere!”
Before I knew it, I was surrounded by people. Demetrius Sr. wore a sad expression. His thick, dark, brows furrowed, his bottom lip quivering.
“Sere—
“Get out!” I yelled cutting him off. “Get him out of here!”
All of my cousins, plus the ushers had to hold me back. I tried to get at him. Wanted to pound his face with both my fists, I hated him so got damn much! Why was he here!? He didn’t belong here! I wanted him gone!
And after a couple of seconds, the police removed him. They escorted him out and I stood there, in the middle of the walkway, watching until he was out of the door.
After the funeral and burial, it was back to The Woods for the repast I didn’t want to have.
Because it was a really nice day, in the high seventies, we were in the courtyard.
My family had three barbecue grills going and had rented tables and chairs.
There were blunts in heavy rotation, a table full of liquor, and my cousin Sharlita had a big storage tote filled damn near to the rim with jungle juice—a concoction of fruit, different liquors, and hella juice.
My uncle, Andre, had music playing from a big speaker sitting on the ground, blasting Blade Icewood’s, Boy Would You. While they did the Boss Up dance, I sat off on the side, arms crossed over my chest, hair pulled back into a ponytail, funeral clothes off, face free of makeup.
When we made it back this way, I went up to the apartment and changed into a pair of black leggings, a black tank, and a pair of pink crocs.
Because my makeup was ruined, I washed my face, deciding not to do anything else to it.
I was numb, really. Coasting through the day on auto pilot.
My cousins were right by my side, trying to keep me uplifted by making jokes about some of the people who were at the funeral.
They kept talking about Desiree and Meech’s bitch, Tata, too.
They talked about everything but Demetrius Sr. showing up.
While I appreciated what they were trying to do, it didn’t help.
I kept thinking about the man who killed my mother.
Couldn’t get the smell of whatever he used as cologne out of my nose.
Couldn’t escape the images of his face, as he stared down at me with eyes that used to comfort me when I was growing up.
He wasn’t always a bad man. My daddy was top tier.
Back when I referred to him as daddy. Something happened.
Something horrible happened. I didn’t know what.
We didn’t know what. He just… he snapped.
Some people in The Woods said he was laced.
There were rumors about it. Said he got ahold of some bad weed that sent him into psychosis.
I didn’t know what it was. All I knew was that one day, I woke up to screaming that sent me into the living room where my mother was dead, lying in a pool of her own blood.
My daddy… well… Demetrius… he stood over her, bloody knife in hand.
He glanced from me to my momma’s motionless body, and dropped down to his knees by her side, cradling her head.
I was frozen.
Paralyzed by both fear and shock. I don’t know what happened after that. Don’t know who called the police. Couldn’t remember when Meech made it home. I just knew that the next time I came to… consciously… we were in a police station waiting for my Auntie Danielle to pick us up.