Chapter 18 #2
“So…” Gillian said once the baby was settled. “Devyn, let’s talk about you.”
Devyn winced. “How about we don’t,” she tried to joke.
“You aren’t doing well,” Gillian said bluntly.
Devyn blinked in surprise.
“I’m sure you think you’re hiding it, but you aren’t. You’ve yawned about five hundred times today, and you can’t blame that on the alcohol. Two glasses of wine isn’t enough to make you that tired. You aren’t sleeping well?”
Four pairs of eyes fixed themselves on Devyn, and she shifted uncomfortably. She didn’t want to talk about this. She was fine. “I’m good,” she told her friends.
All three looked skeptical.
“Right, okay, so how about I start?” Gillian said.
And just like that, Devyn realized that she’d been set up. This wasn’t a casual get-together at all. It’d been planned. She wanted to be upset, but she couldn’t. Her friends cared about her, even though Devyn wasn’t sure they could help.
“After I got home from Venezuela and the plane hijacking, I thought I was good. Ann, Wendy, and Clarissa told me how well they thought I was doing, and I just went with it. I was pretty focused on Walker, and wishing he’d call, to think too much about what I’d been through.
Then Walker and I started dating, and that kind of took my mind off everything even more.
But after I got taken by Salazar and realized Andrea wanted to kill me, I kind of fell apart.
I had horrible nightmares. I felt stupid, because I was safe, loved, and had no reason to be such a baby. ”
“I have flashbacks,” Kinley added. “Of being at the bottom of that ravine and being in so much pain, it hurts to even breathe. There are times in the middle of the day I have to stop, close my eyes, and force myself to remember that I made it out. That I’m okay.”
“I’ve got PTSD. It’s not as bad as what a lot of soldiers deal with,” Aspen said, “but there are times I can’t get the images of what I’ve done in the past out of my head.
The people I’ve killed. I feel kind of stupid, because what I’ve done and experienced isn’t nearly as bad as what a lot of soldiers have gone through, but comparing myself to others isn’t healthy.
I’m allowed to feel the way I feel about what I did, and I’m still trying to come to terms with it all. ”
Devyn’s eyes filled with tears, and she stared down at the dregs of wine in her glass.
“I still wake up in the middle of the night and have to get up and go check on Logan and Bria,” Riley said softly.
“I know they’re safe inside our house. Porter installed that kick-ass security system and a mouse can’t fart without the damn thing going off, but I still wake with a feeling that they’re gone. ”
“Our point,” Gillian said, leaning forward and putting a hand on Devyn’s knee, “is that no matter how put-together we look on the outside, we’re all still dealing with what happened to us. What’s that saying, Kinley? The one you like to say?”
“You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have,” Kinley said firmly.
“Yeah, that one,” Gillian agreed. “What happened to you was horrible. I can’t imagine being left alone out in the wilderness like you were.
But then again, I bet you couldn’t imagine being in a hijacked plane.
Or thrown off a bridge. Or being in battle.
It’s all a matter of perspective, and if you’re comparing your experience to what happened to us, and deciding that you have no right to be traumatized, you’re wrong. ”
Devyn swallowed hard three times before she could speak. “I wasn’t beaten. I wasn’t yelled at or threatened. I wasn’t raped. I don’t even remember being taken. I was punched, then all I did was sit on my ass and wait to be rescued. I shouldn’t be affected by what happened at all.”
Riley stood from her chair and waddled over to where Devyn was sitting on the couch. She sat next to her, forcing Devyn to scoot over, since Riley wasn’t exactly small at the moment with her big baby belly.
“Wrong,” she said firmly. “What happened to you was traumatic. I don’t give a shit if you don’t remember part of it. You still experienced a violent crime against you, as a result of your brother’s actions. That’s traumatizing.”
“Right,” Aspen agreed, coming over and kneeling at Devyn’s feet.
All five of them were now practically huddled together, but it felt comforting to Devyn.
Not constricting in the least. “Being alone is its own special kind of hell. I was alone all night in those flood waters with Kane. Every little sound freaked me out. I was both hopeful it was someone coming who could help me, and scared to death that it’d be a looter or someone who would cause us harm.
It was the longest night of my life, and I only had one.
You were out there alone for much longer than that. ”
“It’s the birds,” Devyn whispered. “They were constantly chirping. You’d think that would’ve been a good thing, that I wasn’t in complete silence all the time, but I wake up in the middle of the night and hear them and I’m transported right back to that damn forest. I’ve only been sleeping a few hours a night, and then I lie awake and stare at the ceiling, being afraid.
But I don’t know what exactly it is I’m afraid of. It’s so stupid!”
“It’s not stupid,” Gillian said. “What about Lucky?”
“What about him?” Devyn asked.
“What does he do when you wake up?”
“Well, at first I tried to slip out of bed so I didn’t wake him up, but you know our guys have the hearing of a bat.
I guess because of their training. He wanted to comfort me, to stay up with me, but that makes me feel even more guilty that I’m disturbing his rest. It’s…
we’re…Things are strained right now,” Devyn admitted softly.
“And I hate that. I love him. So much. And I know I’m pushing him away. ”
“Well, he won’t go,” Gillian told her matter-of-factly. “When our men commit, they’re in for the long haul. Can I give you some advice?”
Devyn couldn’t help but laugh. “You mean you aren’t already?”
All of the other women chuckled.
“Right, okay, can I give you more advice?” Gillian asked.
“Please do. I’m at my wits’ end. I hate that I feel so weak. You guys are all so damn strong! I can’t help but compare my situation to yours, and I come up short every time.”
“First, stop that shit,” Gillian said. “You aren’t us, we aren’t you.
I personally never would’ve been able to go through what you did with my sanity intact.
Not having others there to share in my fear and the experience?
No. Just no. But second, from someone who had a hard time sleeping herself, you need to distract yourself when you wake up. ”
“I’ve been trying. When Lucky lets me, I go downstairs and read or something,” Devyn protested.
“No, you need to let Lucky distract you,” Gillian said bluntly. “Are you guys still having sex?”
Devyn blushed and shook her head. “He’s been really gentle with me lately.”
“Right. So the next time you wake up and can’t sleep, jump him,” Gillian told her.
“Um…I don’t feel all that sexy when I wake up and hear those damn birds,” Devyn said wryly.
“I know. I never felt like sex either. But you know what? It helps. It makes you stop thinking about what’s bothering you.
And it has the added bonus of tiring you out.
I’m not saying you need to have an hour-long fuck marathon; a quickie will work just as well.
It gets your endorphins going or something.
I have no idea how it works, but I swear after one of my nightmares, when Walker takes me, I can’t think about anything but how much I love him and how grateful I am to have him in my life.
It brings me back to the present, makes me count my blessings. ”
“When I come back to bed after checking on Logan and Bria, Porter makes me forget my worries. We don’t always have sex; sometimes he goes down on me, sometimes he holds me and fingers me to an orgasm…but it works every time,” Riley said.
“Before we all sound like a bunch of sex-starved horny bitches, it doesn’t always have to be about sex, either,” Aspen said, and everyone laughed.
“There have been times when I get lost in my head, and Kane simply holds me and tells me how much he loves me and how blessed he is to have both me and Chance. He makes me realize that I’ve got everything I ever wanted right here, right now. It helps.”
“It’s so obvious how much Lucky loves you,” Kinley said softly.
“When I was in witness protection, I longed to be able to simply sit next to Gage and hold his hand. That sounds stupid, but I always loved it when he did that. I missed it a lot. I try not to take anything for granted anymore. Easier said than done, I know, but I force myself to be present in the moment. Life is short, and we could spend it worrying about every decision we’ve made in the past and our actions, but that’s not going to do a damn thing to change them. We have to keep moving forward.”
Devyn nodded. “Thanks, guys. I needed this.”
“We know,” Aspen said with a smirk. “That’s why we made you come over.”
“You might not think what you went through was all that bad, but it was, Dev,” Gillian said. “Cut yourself some slack.”
“Talk to Lucky,” Riley ordered. “He can help you.”
“He wants to help you,” Aspen corrected. “You’ll grow closer if you let him.”
“You might think you’re doing the right thing by letting him sleep after you wake up, but I guarantee he’s not sleeping. He’s worrying about you,” Kinley added.
“Okay, okay, I hear you,” Devyn said with a smile. “I’ll talk to him.”
“Good,” Gillian said with a nod.
Kinley smiled.
Aspen squeezed her knee affectionally.
And Riley said, “Thank God. I need to pee. Again. I swear this kid is standing on my bladder. Can someone help me up?”
Everyone laughed, and the serious part of the day was over just like that.
The rest of the afternoon was spent talking about their jobs, babies, and the guys’ upcoming mission to the Olympics.
That was one of the few missions that wasn’t super top secret, and the girls were just as excited as the men.
It was a nice change of pace for them. Even though they’d have to be on their toes to watch for danger, it wasn’t as if they were being sent into a foreign country under the cover of darkness to do surveillance or to try to rescue someone.
By the time Kinley drove her home, Devyn was feeling much better. She made a mental vow to be a better girlfriend. Yeah, she was struggling with what had happened, but Lucky was also struggling as a result, and she needed to open up to him.