Chapter 11 #2
Grover sighed. “I haven’t made it a secret with my friends that I’d love it if you came to visit, and maybe even made it your home.
Or that I want to see where our friendship can go.
I know that you said you weren’t ready for a relationship, and I’m okay with that…
but until you tell me unequivocally that it won’t happen, I’m going to be patient and hope that maybe someday you’ll be ready.
Still, I don’t ever want you to feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to, by me or my friends.
And that includes coming to Texas or dating me. ”
“I don’t,” Sierra reassured him. “It’s nice to be wanted, actually.”
“Oh, you’re wanted,” Grover said dryly.
She shot him a small smile. “I’m a little overwhelmed, I admit, but in a good way.
I’ve been talking to Ember the most. Which, as a side note, is weird.
I mean, she’s Ember Maxwell, and I have her phone number.
It’s so surreal. Anyway, you know how you said that she would probably let me work with her? ”
“Yeah?” Grover asked hopefully.
“Well, she already brought it up. And she said the apartment she rented for her friend—the one who tried to freakin’ kill her—is still available. She paid for the deposit and then added a few months’ rent, because she had hopes of finding someone else to help her with the gym.”
“That’s a great idea,” Grover told her.
“You think?”
“Oh yeah. Although, I have to admit, I liked the idea of you staying at my place better.”
“I’m seriously considering her offer,” Sierra said.
“Good.”
She sighed. “Okay, that’s a lie…I pretty much already told her I accepted.”
Grover stopped in the middle of the trail once more. It was a good thing they weren’t hiking for exercise because they’d stopped about a hundred times since they set out. “You did?”
Sierra wouldn’t meet his gaze.
Grover gently tilted her chin up so she had no choice but to look at him. “I’m thrilled for you. No matter what happens between us, you can’t go wrong with friends like Ember, Gillian, and the others.”
“I was afraid you’d think I was…I don’t know…encroaching or something.”
“No way. I was the one who brought up moving to Texas in the first place, remember? And I haven’t stopped since.”
She grinned. “I know. That barn-date thing.”
Grover smiled back. “That’s the one. But seriously, Sierra. Yes, I’m attracted to you, more with every minute we spend together, but if things between us never move beyond this intense friendship we have…it’ll be okay.”
Sierra stared up at him for a long moment. “You really do seem too good to be true.”
“I’m not. I think I already told you that I’ve got more than my fair share of faults.”
“For the record?”
“Yeah?”
“I don’t think it’ll be hard to convince me to go on that date with you.”
Grover beamed. “Good. But for now, while we’re here, we’re just two buddies hanging out.”
“Buddies who hold hands?” she asked with a quirk of an eyebrow.
“Yup.”
“Buddies who sleep together?”
Grover nearly groaned at that, but he managed to nod. “I didn’t have nightmares last night,” he reminded her. “And I know it’s because my psyche knew you were there next to me. Safe. And you came to me because you didn’t want to be alone. So yeah, in our case…friends who sleep together.”
“You aren’t like anyone I’ve ever met before,” she told him.
“I can say the same about you.”
Just then, Sierra’s belly growled, and Grover chuckled.
He let go of her hand long enough to put the backpack he’d been carrying on the ground and pull out another granola bar and some peanut butter crackers.
Then he slung the pack on again and opened the bar.
He handed it to her, gesturing to the trail.
“Shall we keep going and find that pretty spot Tonka told us about?”
Sierra nodded. They resumed their walk side by side.
Thirty minutes later, the trail made a ninety-degree turn to the left, and at the turn was a huge flat rock. Sierra and Grover decided it would make a perfect table and climbed up.
Once seated, the rest of the world seemed to disappear.
They were surrounded by trees and chirping birds.
The weather wasn’t too hot, nor too cold.
They got out the sandwiches they’d made and the bag of chips they’d pilfered from the pantry, then ate and talked.
And Grover couldn’t ever remember being so content.
Sierra’s mind was whirling. She’d been fighting with herself for two weeks regarding what she should do, versus what she wanted to do.
She wanted to move to Texas, date Grover, and accept the friendship all the women offered.
But she had a feeling she should be more cautious.
Not move so fast. Get her bearings before making any huge life decisions.
But sitting here with Grover in the peaceful forest made the decision feel easy.
She liked him. And not only because he’d made such a huge sacrifice to find her.
He was a good man, she could see that in every interaction he had with other people.
They were drawn to him, just as she was.
Maybe because he made them feel important, as if what they were saying was the most interesting thing he’d heard all day.
Or maybe simply because he was so damn nice.
Some people actually thought calling a man “nice” was an insult. But not her. Sierra had been around plenty of “not nice” men, and would much rather have someone like Grover, hands down.
The more time she spent with him, the more comfortable she got. Talking with him every night had been enlightening, and she’d gotten to know him pretty well. Being around him in person was…everything.
The way he stood between her and Melba until he was sure the huge beast wouldn’t knock her over. How he paid attention to what she liked and didn’t…for instance, packing peanut butter crackers instead of the cheese ones. How he made her a cup of coffee exactly the way she preferred it.
It was the feel of his hand in hers. Of knowing she could crawl into bed with him and not be afraid he’d think she was making a pass or allowing him to take advantage.
Sierra knew she would be no match physically for Grover. He could easily overpower and hurt her if he was of the mind. Instead, he’d been extremely gentle, keeping his space, and making sure no one else overwhelmed her either.
The thought of being intimate with him was…exciting. Not scary in the least.
“They didn’t rape me,” Sierra blurted, then winced at how harsh the words sounded, how completely out of the blue.
True to form, Grover didn’t make her feel weird about her outburst. “Thank God.”
“I mean, that first month or two, I was terrified every day that they’d do just that, but they were more interested in figuring out how much they could push me before I broke.
And once I figured out the faster I cried, the faster they stopped, they seemed to lose interest in even doing that anymore, unless another hostage was around.
I was like this toy that got old, that wasn’t fun anymore, and they mostly left me alone until someone reminded them I was there. ”
“That’s a good analogy,” Grover said softly. “And I’m glad they lost interest, but that doesn’t negate the fact that they took away your freedom. That they touched you at all.”
“I know.”
“Do you want to tell me why you were thinking about them?”
Sierra sighed. “No. But I will. I was just sitting here, amazed at how happy I am. With you. And about how well you seemed to know me after such a short period of time. That since you’re so much bigger and stronger than me, you could hurt me, but you haven’t.
Which got me thinking about why I felt safe going to your cabin last night and actually getting into bed with you.
And that made me imagine the two of us being…
together…if you know what I mean. It doesn’t freak me out.
I guess…I just wanted you to know that. I figured maybe you wondered if I was raped while I was in captivity, and didn’t want to do anything that could freak me out. ”
After a beat, Grover chuckled softly. “I’m not laughing at the fact that you might’ve been sexually assaulted,” he reassured her. “But because of your thought process. And I’m glad the thought of us making love doesn’t cause you to panic.”
Sierra blushed, despite already being used to his blunt way of speaking.
He scooted closer but didn’t reach for her. His thigh touched hers, as if he couldn’t bear to not touch her in some way. She liked that. A lot.
“I admit that I’m relieved they didn’t do that to you. The thought of anyone overpowering you like that makes me absolutely furious. And sick to my stomach. You’ll always be safe with me, Bean. I promise.”
“Thanks,” she whispered. Then she tilted her head and rested it against his upper arm. He didn’t move, but she felt him sigh as if relieved she was touching him back. “Can I tell you something?”
“You can tell me anything. Between the two of us, there’s a no-judgment zone,” he reassured her.
“I can’t cry,” she said before she chickened out. “I talked to my therapist back in Colorado, and she said that’s normal, but it doesn’t feel normal.”
“It does make sense though,” Grover said. “You used your tears to manipulate your captors. So emotionally, your brain associates tears with pain. To keep yourself from feeling pain, physical or emotional, your body probably shies away from letting yourself cry. As a defense mechanism.”
“I decided to keep my apartment when I took the job in Afghanistan. It was in a great area and the rent was extremely reasonable. I wasn’t sure how long I would stay overseas and wanted somewhere to come back to when I returned.
My parents packed up all my stuff though, after I’d been missing for several months, and stored it in their basement.
Mom admitted that she sold my furniture because it wouldn’t all fit in their house.
When I saw my things had been reduced to a stack of boxes, I wanted to cry.
It was so sad and depressing. But I couldn’t.
Not one tear. It’s confusing because I felt such deep sorrow. ”
Sierra felt Grover shift next to her, then his arm closed around her shoulders.
“It hasn’t been that long since you’ve been free.
Cut yourself some slack. And while I don’t like the thought of you crying over anything, I’m sure you will at some point.
Real tears, not those fake ones you were able to squeeze out on command. ”
She shrugged. Not sure it would ever happen.
But of course, Grover had a good point. While in some ways it felt as if she’d been home for months and Afghanistan was this distant, surreal memory, it had really only been a few weeks.
There were a lot of things that she was still coming to terms with. She just had to be patient.
Sitting up straight, she glanced at Grover shyly.
“You good?”
“Yeah. I’m sure you’re right.”
“I’m always right. Just ask anyone.”
Appreciating his attempt to break up the seriousness of the moment, she rolled her eyes at him. “Maybe I’ll ask Devyn how ‘always right’ you are.”
“Oh, that was low,” he teased. “Siccing my sister on me.”
She grinned at him.
Not surprisingly, Sierra realized she felt better.
Her issue of not crying hadn’t been solved, but admitting that odd fact felt freeing, like she was no longer shouldering that burden alone.
Grover hadn’t looked at her as if she was broken.
She also didn’t regret admitting she hadn’t been raped.
Sometimes, as completely fucked up as it sounded, she actually felt guilty about that.
As if people might think she wasn’t a “real” POW, hadn’t truly suffered, because she hadn’t been sexually abused while in captivity.
She hadn’t been sure this Refuge thing was a good idea, but clearly she needed it.
She’d only been here a full day, but Sierra already felt calmer.
More steady. Maybe it was the mountain air.
Maybe it was the friendliness of the men who owned it.
But she had a feeling it was none of that.
It was the man next to her who made all the difference.
They sat on the rock for another half hour or so until deciding to head back to the ranch. The walk was slow and easy, and he held her hand the entire way. She was getting too used to touching him…but since Grover didn’t seem to mind, Sierra decided she wouldn’t either.