23. Leah #4
Rowan exhales, the lights of the city below occasionally illuminating his face. “Well, that explains why you haven’t been sadder, at least.”
“I tried to tell my grandfather, but honestly, he seemed almost glad Filippa was gone. Now I’m thinking about the rest of her family. I want her to be able to return to the trials, but…”
“You also don’t want them to suffer thinking she’s gone,” Rowan finishes. I nod, and he thinks for a moment. At least he’s not threatening to report me to Colonel Cavat.
“You should write her mother a letter,” he says decisively. “Explain the situation. She’ll keep your secret, and she won’t be grieving in Filippa’s absence. I can give you her address in Luminis.”
“You can?”
“Yes. Our families are old allies, remember?” He shrugs as we come in to land in the academy grounds, the central building looming up in front of us.
“Rowan, that would be great, thank you,” I say sincerely, and he smiles.
“I’m happy to help. And happy that Filippa’s alive.” He takes a step closer toward me, running a hand along the side of his hair. “You know, I’m always happy to help you out, Leah. Our families go way back, and it makes a lot of sense for us to stick together.”
Uh oh. Stepping back a little, I feel Syrus start to pace in my mind like an animal about to lunge.
“I think your grandfather and my parents would be pleased with a union between the Illidore and Gradis bloodlines,” Rowan says.
My eyes widen, and Syrus makes a choking noise.
“Is he seriously suggesting—”
I ignore Syrus in favor of trying to focus on Rowan’s words.
“I know you said you were getting over someone—”
“You did?” Syrus demands.
“—but you’ll have time for that. We’ve got a lot on with the trials, and then we’ll have cadet training to worry about, so there’s no rush. The pressure’s off even if we manage to come to an agreement before then.”
“Rowan, are you asking me to…to marry you?” The words are startled out of me, and I want him to laugh, to say that’s ridiculous—that I misunderstood, or that he was just teasing, or maybe that this was all a hallucination on my part…but instead, he looks unperturbed.
“Yes,” he says. “Or at least for us to put the idea forward to our families. They can work out the details and the timelines.”
It’s so absurd I have to fight not to laugh.
That would be rude, and of course to Rowan this isn’t absurd; this is just how ephilium do proposals, apparently.
Unromantic, businesslike. It’s not cold exactly—I like Rowan and consider him a friend, and I think he’d say the same about me—but I also don’t get the sense that Rowan has particularly strong feelings for me.
“Now would be the part where you say no,” Syrus seethes in my mind, his touch against my mind rough and prickly.
“Who says I’m going to?” I reply and then am jolted by a flash of disapproval so fierce it nearly knocks me off balance. I wasn’t really being serious, and I thought Syrus would know that. Apparently, he doesn’t have much of a sense of humor when it comes to this kind of joke.
“I’ll think about it, Rowan,” I say with a smile I hope doesn’t look too enthusiastic. “Just maybe hold off talking to anyone about the idea yet, all right?”
He looks a little disappointed, but certainly not heartbroken, and he quickly rallies.
“All right. That makes sense. You haven’t been in Illidore for very long. Probably better you learn a little more about your bloodline before you start making alliances.”
I nod in agreement, but if Rowan doesn’t feel the awkwardness in the air after that, I certainly do. I’m glad when we get back to the nest and I can duck into my room. I shut the door and lean against it, taking a moment.
Except that I don’t get moments to myself when I have an angry demon muttering in my ear.
“You’ll think about it, will you?” Syrus says, sounding like he’s talking through gritted teeth even in my mind.
“Until I get through the trials, I’m not in a position to be burning bridges,” I say to him, pushing off from the door.
“Not with any of the pale-bloods, anyway,” he says bitterly, and then, “Good night, Leah.”
He leaves my mind before I can respond, before I can thank him for staying with me through the dinner.
I sink down onto my bed, wondering exactly what he meant.
Is he hurt I would undo the bond between us but won’t shut down Rowan?
But we’ve discussed that we have to break the bond.
If we don’t, I’m dead, and Syrus doesn’t want that.
Or maybe he thinks that surviving the trials isn’t the only reason I won’t say no to Rowan yet. Maybe he thinks I’m leaving the door open because at some point, I’m going to need to start building a life in Aradis, and I should keep my options open.
And would he be totally wrong? All this time, I thought a future in Aradis wasn’t just my best option—it was my only real option.
But the more I see of this realm—how they treat their vulnerable, their families, the people they’re supposed to love—the less I see myself in it.
Where the fuck does that leave me?