34. Leah
Leah
The new sensation is still there when I wake up, hovering in the background—so faint that at first I think I’m imagining it.
Syrus is asleep next to me, and for once I don’t find my spirits lifted much by watching him.
Rather than bask in seeing him relaxed and unguarded, I can’t help feeling like he’s slipped off to a faraway land I can’t reach.
It’s a stupid thought, and I huff at myself, sliding out of the bed to get a glass of water.
Twenty-six days. Three and a half weeks. That’s all I have before Syrus has to leave Pax, and I have to work out where I’m going. Unless, of course, he works things out with the other lords before then. In which case I’ll need to make a decision sooner.
It feels like I’m a broken music box, playing the same section of tune over and over, listening to the same thoughts swirling around my head again and again.
I know I want Syrus—it’s everything else that comes with it I’m not sure about.
Mixed breed is the right phrase, because I’m all mixed up—mostly human by blood, mostly ephilium by magic, with a demon side I don’t understand at all.
I don’t really fit anywhere, and there’s no truly safe choice.
I’ll always be denying some part of myself wherever I—
Damn it. That feeling that’s been tingling at my edges since I woke up swells, and I set down the water I’ve been drinking, flexing my fingers to try to shake off some of this strange, unwanted energy needling at me like someone sticking pins in my fingers.
I turn my hands over, examining them, but they look the same as ever.
Whatever’s causing this is lurking beneath the surface, unseen.
I conjure some sparks of lightning to dance over my palm.
I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of this, pulling my power into existence, watching how it bends to my command.
It makes me feel strong and alive, after a lifetime of feeling too weak and vulnerable.
My other hand prickles, and on a whim, I focus on the sensation, only to watch a tiny plume of shadow rise from it a moment later.
My pulse quickens in excitement. I tried this once before when I first discovered my shadow magic, and I couldn’t do it. Now I stare between my outstretched palms, fascinated by the crackle of lightning and curl of darkness that coexist, side by side.
Syrus stirs in the bed, turning over, and without a thought, I shut my magic off, light and dark disappearing.
He doesn’t wake, but the suddenness of my reaction surprises me.
I realize I don’t want him to see this. Because if he discovered this new quirk of my magic, he’d get that troubled look on his face again.
The one that says he’s worried about my power, of what it could turn into.
I don’t believe he’d ever try to curb that power again, or seek to control me, but wary, begrudging acceptance isn’t really what I want from him.
I don’t like that he’d see it as an omen rather than a gift.
I suddenly feel quite alone. Viz and Aster are in Infernum, and anyway, I don’t know if I could tell them about this and expect them to keep it secret from Syrus. I could go talk to Evie, but I’m worried the ephilium might be watching her house.
Filippa and Hodges. They’re the two people in my orbit who probably know the least about my situation, which means they might not be a good place to confess either, but I decided yesterday I’d go see them, and now seems as good a time as any.
I move quietly around the room, washing up with the basin in the corner and pulling clothes on. Viz and Aster brought us some changes from Infernum, providing me with options that allow for my new wings and make me look more like the demon I’m supposed to be.
I pause, watching Syrus’s face for a moment before I leave.
If I woke him to tell him I was going, he’d insist on coming too, so instead, I let him sleep and leave him a note.
Despite his worries, there’s no reason why I wouldn’t be safe on my own.
The ephilium don’t know I can vanish my wings, and with my cap and cloak, I’m just another human in a city of thousands.
I’m confident that even if they are searching for me in Pax, I can make this trip without any real risk.
Still, just to be sensible, I secure my sword belt around my waist, sheathing Swiftwing at my hip so it’s hidden beneath my cloak.
When I reach Hodges’s rooms, I call quietly through the door.
“Hodges? Filippa? It’s me, Leah.”
There’s the thud of footsteps before the door opens a crack. Filippa’s face peers out before breaking into a smile.
“Leah!” she pulls the door wider and ushers me inside. A little to my surprise, she pulls me into a tight hug, only for her hands to pat curiously at my empty back.
“What happened to your wings?” she gasps, eyes wide.
“Don’t worry, no one lopped them off.” I smile. “But I’ll get to that. First of all, how are you?”
She blinks, still stuck on my winglessness, so I gesture to her stomach. “All in one piece?”
“Oh, yes.” She lays a hand on the area where she was wounded. “The stitches came out at the beginning of this week. Want to see?”
She pulls her tunic up to reveal the white, spidery scar on her lower abdomen.
“Wow. It looks pretty good, all things considered.”
She nods, thoughtful. “I owe you my life, Leah.”
I wave my hand. “Ah, don’t worry about it. You’re the only cousin I speak to, so it would be a shame to let you die.”
She laughs. “Thanks. I’m not sure how good a cousin I’ve been, though.
Look, I’ll say this once and then we don’t have to talk about it again.
Unless, of course, you want to hear me repeat it.
” She looks at me earnestly. “I’m sorry I was such an idiot about everything with the general.
I knew none of it was your fault, and still I acted like a child throwing a tantrum.
And despite that, when it came down to it, you were there for me when I needed you. So…thanks.”
I feign a shudder. “You’re right, never let me hear you say something so nice to me ever again,” I joke.
She shrugs. “It’s the least I can do considering how Garion fucked you over.”
“You heard about the coup?” I ask carefully, gesturing to the chairs around Hodges’s little table.
“Yes,” Filippa says as she takes a seat.
“My mother got another letter to me, telling me not to come home. Not that I would’ve, before I’d heard from you.
She explained that the seraphim are still investigating the family, trying to figure out what we knew.
Until we hear their verdict, it’s safer I stay away. ”
She pauses. “And she told me what happened to him.”
I exhale, a little relieved I don’t have to be the one to break the news. “I’m sorry,” I say.
She shakes her head. “Don’t be. From what Mother said, it sounds like he didn’t shed any tears when I didn’t come back from the battlefield. So why should I feel bad about my grandfather’s hubris getting him killed?”
“My thoughts exactly,” I say, giving her an encouraging smile.
She might not shed any tears over Garion’s death, but she still carries the weight of the shitty way he treated her all those years—and now there’s no chance of an apology or reconciliation in the future.
I’m sure there’ll be complicated feelings for her to deal with for quite a while before she truly lays his memory to rest.
Her gaze shifts back to my shoulders, curiosity shining through. “I should probably tell you, my mother also said that I should be careful if you make contact with me again. She said you have…inappropriate friends.”
I snort. “That’s one way of putting it.”
But Filippa is just looking at me expectantly.
“Right,” I say, my fingers finding the grooves of the table, digging into them to release my nerves. “So there’s maybe some things I should tell you.”
I realized on the way over here that if I wanted to use Filippa to vent to, I was going to have to come clean about a lot first. None of it would make sense otherwise. Besides, I find I don’t want to spin any more lies for Filippa. Not big ones anyway.
“Just, before I get into it, remember all that nice stuff you said about you owing me your life, yeah?” I say.
“Ancestors, Leah, you’re making me worried,” Filippa says, hands twisting in her lap.
“Okay…” I forge ahead. “So remember when the Lord of Malice came to Luminis to negotiate a peace deal with the seraphim?”
“Ye-es,” Filippa says, drawing the word out.
I stare out the window, not able to meet her gaze. “What if I were to tell you that he actually, sort of, definitely came to Aradis…for me.”
I keep it as light as I can and only cover the highlights so we won’t be here all day. The fact that the overview also doesn’t give me time to panic is just a bonus.
I tell her about being married off, only for my husband to try to sacrifice me to summon a demon.
I tell her about Syrus saving me, and then me getting to know him and realizing that maybe it wasn’t the worst thing to be friendly with the Lord of Malice.
I tell her about finding out I’m nephilim, then say I fell out with Syrus without going into the exact whys and describe coming to Aradis.
All the while, her eyes are getting wider and wider until I’m worried they might pop out of her head.