30
Soleil
Flying with Finn is exhilarating.
Wind rushing around us, the entire city spread out wide below, it’s something out of a dream as he swoops us down from where Lynore’s house sits high above the sea.
Lights from all the homes and businesses below pass in a blur, the faint strains of music and conversation only barely audible above the rushing of the wind.
It’s so wondrous, I forget to be afraid.
I should be. Way up here, with dozens of meters between us and the ground, I should be terrified.
But with his arms around me, holding me close, with the warmth of him against me and the steady pulse of magick thrumming in time with the powerful beats of his wings, I feel entirely safe.
Safer than I’ve felt in a long, long time.
“I’ll land us there,” he says over the wind, nodding to a long pier at the base of the city, sticking out over the water. “You ready?”
“Ready as I’ll ever be.”
His arms squeeze tighter, and I brace myself for landing, but I don’t need to.
Finn brings us down easy, with a few graceful strides down the pier to slow us as we reach solid ground again.
But he doesn’t put me down right away.
“Are you alright?” he murmurs, and I nod as I catch my breath.
After a few long moments, he eases me back to my feet, and though I’m a little knock-kneed as I get my land legs back, it’s nowhere near as bad as portalling.
Finn keeps a close watch on me as I recover, with one hand at my waist and the other lifting to cup my cheek and turn my face toward him as he studies me, like he’s reassuring himself I’m okay.
Strangely, it makes me want to cry.
All his tenderness, his care, it wells up in the back of my throat until I can barely breathe around it.
Blinking rapidly, I take a step back and force myself to smile.
“Show off,” I say with a smirk, hoping it hides all that emotion
Finn, ever shameless, just grins. “For you? Always.”
He offers me his hand and I take it, grateful for the distraction the city provides as we walk down the pier toward the water. The wooden planks transition into a boardwalk that runs along the seashore, edged by more shops and restaurants that are bustling even at this late hour.
For a few minutes, we stroll in companionable silence.
Content enough to demon-watch and take it all in, I enjoy the feeling of just being together, fingers entwined, like this is any normal night. This is just a normal date with a normal guy—okay, demon—and I don’t have to think about any of the rest.
It’s not, though, and when Finn speaks again, the illusion fades.
“I’m sorry, if my family was a lot to handle.”
I give his hand a squeeze. “They weren’t. They’re lovely, Finn.”
He smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “What did you and ma talk about when you stepped out onto the terrace?”
“A bit more about me, about us. About you.”
“Really?” He shoots me a look.
“Good things only. She obviously cares about you and wants the best for you.”
He hums, but doesn’t offer any further comment or questions as we continue on down the boardwalk. The rows of shops gradually give way to more natural terrain, the walkway lit with oil-burning streetlamps and dotted with other couples out for their own evening strolls.
We stop under one of the lamps and lean against the railing. Below, waves break against the rocky shore. Salt spray reaches us on the night breeze, dampening the fabric of my dress and curling the ends of my hair.
I glance over at Finn, and there’s still something tight about his features. His gaze is far away, eyes unfocused, and it tugs at my heartstrings, loosens my tongue. Though it might not be the time to bring it up, I can’t stop myself from speaking.
“Your mom also told me about your dad.”
Finn’s face goes blank. “Did she?”
“Yeah.”
“And what did she have to say?”
I reach up and idly smooth back an errant blond curl. “That he’s an ass and you’re too good for him.”
He barks a startled laugh. “I can’t imagine those words in my mother’s mouth.”
“I might be paraphrasing. Is that not the truth, though?”
With a long sigh, Finn wraps his arms around me. He pulls me close and presses a kiss to the top of my head.
“It’s not entirely inaccurate.”
We fall into another silence, and I turn an idea over in my mind, one that’s been gnawing at me since Lynore talked to me about Lord Nightfall.
“I guess the two of us really aren’t so different, are we?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean…” I begin, thinking of how I want to phrase it. “We’ve both got people who expect things from us. Lives and roles we were born into, and now we just have to deal with.”
He nods. “I suppose that’s true.”
“It seems like it’s not something you want, though? Living life like he wants you to live it?”
“It’s not,” he says solemnly.
For a little while, we’re both silent again.
Staring at the sea.
Letting the questions swirl around us.
Breathing in the moment, knowing it can’t last.
“And what about you?” he asks, softly. “What are you going to do about your Ascension?”
I don’t answer him right away.
I turn to face the railing, not even able to look at him
The question is still too big, too terrible, scratching at all the mental walls I’ve built against it.
I can’t ignore it forever.
I shouldn’t be ignoring it at all.
Finn deserves an answer.
He deserves so much more than I’ve given him so far, mostly because every time I think about starting this conversation with him, a giant pit opens up in the bottom of my stomach when I’m forced to face the truth.
Finn deserves so much more than this mess.
He’s got a wonderful family.
He has so much light in him, so much goodness.
And I’m… perpetually grumpy, overworked, and about to commit to spending my life with the coven as my first and highest commitment.
I’m about to spend my life alone, essentially, since I’ll always have to put the Crescent Coven and my sister witches above anything else, and it’s really hard to understand why.
Only…
I can’t lie to myself.
I know why I chose this path.
Today reminded me.
Working with Vayla and all the healers who came together to serve the people of Gales Harbor—it was just what I needed to remind me why I do this, why I’ve always loved healing and teaching and aimed for a spot high enough in the coven to let me do both for the rest of my life.
To make a difference. To be the change I’ve always wanted to see.
Am I supposed to give that up for a guy? A guy I’ve known for barely a week?
Only again, I can’t lie to myself.
Finn is my mate.
Even if I wasn’t born here in this realm and the whole concept of mates is a little strange, I respect the Goddess and her magick enough not to question it.
Finn is my mate, and I don’t know what to do with that.
He’s a wonderful, kind, selfless person, and if I continue on my merry way into becoming a priestess, I’m going to ruin this for him. His one shot at a mate, and he was stuck with a witch who’s utterly unsuitable for being mated at all.
I’ve been silent long enough that I startle when Finn nudges me with his tail.
“Where’d you go, sunshine?”
“Somewhere far away from here.”
“Then come back to me,” he murmurs. “I’m right here.”
His tail winds around my waist, tugging me closer.
“If you had asked me a month ago,” I say quietly. “There wouldn’t have been a single doubt in my mind. I was so… so… certain. I had a plan. I knew how it was all going to turn out, how it was always meant to turn out.”
“And now?”
“Now I don’t know a damn thing.” I let out a long breath. “Now everything is a mess, and I don’t know how to fix it or where I go from here.”
Finn makes a small, unhappy noise. “Soleil, I never meant to derail your plans or take you away from—”
“It’s not you,” I say, then huff a humorless laugh. “Or, well, it’s not you entirely. But I was already running before I met you. I freaked out. I can’t even say why, and that’s the most frustrating part.”
“You’re allowed to question things,” he says softly, soothingly, one hand rubbing slow strokes up and down my back. “You’re allowed to take the time you need and change your mind if you want to.”
“It would help if I had any idea what I wanted to change my mind to.”
“Talk me through it. What are all your options here? You’ve mentioned before what it would mean to Ascend, but talk me through all the paths you might take.”
I almost don’t answer him.
I almost brush the question aside and give him some half-hearted non-answer. I almost do what I always do and keep the problems to myself, handle them myself, don’t put the burden of my own emotions on anyone else.
But then I catch Finn’s gaze.
Crimson eyes so soft and understanding in the glow of the streetlamps. Expression open, trusting, like he really doesn’t mind helping me carry the tangle of everything I’m dealing with.
“Okay.” I think for a moment, take another a deep breath. “Path one. I Ascend. I devote the rest of my life to the coven, and I’m not allowed to marry or have a mate bond or put my loyalty anywhere else.”
“Path two?”
“I stay here with you. I leave the coven and see what kind of life I might have outside of it.”
As I say the words, I’m surprised by how tempting the idea is. Not tempting enough to erase everything else, but tempting.
“And is there a third path? Something in the middle?”
“Not really?”
Truly, it’s hard to fathom what that would even mean.
“And you can’t create one?” he asks with an affectionate, teasing lilt to his voice. “My talented, powerful witch? I find it hard to believe you couldn’t do anything you set your mind to.”
A flush of warmth surges through me, magick sparks in my chest, and I try. I really do. I try to find an answer, an idea.
The only thing I come up with is incredulous disbelief.
A third path is absurd.
It doesn’t exist.
“There’s no way Esme would go for me being half in, half out.”
“No one’s ever done it?”
“No one I’ve heard of.” I run a hand through my hair. “Though I don’t suppose they’d be willing to tell us, if there was. Total devotion is the only path. I’ve gone far enough in my studies and risen high enough in the ranks that to turn away now would be unthinkable.”
“To who?”
“What?”
Finn cups his hand around my cheek. “Who would find it unthinkable?”
The question gives me pause.
The coven, probably.
Esme Hawthorn, certainly.
And… me.
Isn’t that the worst part of it?
It would be unthinkable to me.
I still can’t wrap my mind around it, can’t make sense of it, can’t bring myself to say the words.
And I’m not sure if it’s what I want, anyway.
The memory of working earlier today in the apothecary surfaces again in my mind. The work I did with Vayla, the way I trained those healers.
It felt like exactly what I was always called to do.
To share my knowledge of healing, to ensure the craft is passed on, shared, spread so that others might benefit and more people can be helped.
“Just think about it,” Finn says when enough time has passed and I still haven’t answered. “And come on, let’s head back to the inn.”
“Flying?” I ask hopefully, pushing the rest of it aside.
His face splits into a grin, brighter than the streetlamps or the moon shining high above.
“Of course, sunshine.”