45
Finn
The silence Soleil leaves behind is total, devastating. The kind of silence that sets itself into my very bones and leaves me feeling entirely hollow.
And entirely useless.
I move from one spot to another in the Nightfall rooms, despondent and pathetic. I hate being here at all, but with nowhere better to go, I wind up slumped in a chair, goblet of wine in hand.
I’d probably have stayed there all evening, getting blindly drunk and feeling sorry for myself, if it weren’t for a knock at my door.
Even then, I’m not particularly inclined to answer it until a familiar voice calls out from the other side.
“I know you’re in there.”
“Piss off, Callum. I’m not in the mood to talk.”
The door swings open anyway, and I groan at my lack of foresight in not locking it after Soleil left.
Perhaps I was just waiting for her to change her mind and come running back.
“You should take better care with security if you’d like to be left alone,” Callum says mildly as he steps into the room and surveys me where I’m draped across a settee, wallowing in my misery, bottle of wine close at hand.
He sinks into the chair opposite the settee, clearly unimpressed with my current state of devastating heartbreak.
“Already started drinking yourself into oblivion, I see?”
“What’s the point in waiting?”
Callum sighs deeply. “It won’t fix a damn thing, you know. And it won’t get you any closer to winning her back.”
“You haven’t heard?” I ask, disgusted with my own self-pity. “I haven’t done anything wrong. Not a single thing. I’m just simply not enough to compete with the life she has waiting back in her realm.”
“These sisters,” Callum sighs again, though he sounds more wistful and admiring than anything, “are a hundred times more powerful than you or I will ever be. And I doubt there’s much either of us could do to deserve them.”
“You’re not wrong,” I grumble.
“I know.” All arrogance, this mercenary, and even more so when he grins. “But in all her infinite wisdom, the Goddess decided we belong to them. So the worst possible choice we could make is to give up rather than try.”
“Of course I want to try.” I sit up and glare at him. “But how am I supposed to do that if I’ll never truly have her? If she’ll always belong to someone and something else first?”
“I would be with Seren if I was only granted a single hour with her every decade.”
His words nearly knock the breath from my lungs.
“Any piece of her she’d give me, I’d take it and be grateful.” He levels me a stern look. “If you can’t say the same, perhaps it’s better if you let her go, after all.”
I’m on my feet in half a heartbeat. “You don’t know anything about how I feel for Soleil.”
A twitch at the corner of his lip, but he hides it immediately beneath another gruff scowl. “Oh, really?”
“Really,” I growl right back. “And that’s precisely why I know she deserves more than I can give her.”
“In what way?”
“In every way!” I throw my hands up, entirely exasperated with his obstinance. “What exactly about my life would give her any reason to choose me?”
He snorts and glances around the room. “The Nighfall name and all it entails might be a slight enticement.”
“It means nothing,” I say, and Callum frowns. “Not considering the cage it’s become and the fact that I’ve done nothing to earn it. All Soleil’s done in her life is earn. She’s more talented and works harder than anyone I’ve ever met, and I’m just… me.”
“Then make something better of yourself.”
“If I only knew where to start. Anything I take from my family comes with the expectation of sacrificing myself on the altar of Nighfall excellence, and you and I both know I’ve never achieved anything that hasn’t been handed to me.”
“I wouldn’t say that,” Callum counters. “You’ve had the benefit of your family name and fortune, yes, but you’ve also had yourself and your supreme talent at making friends and allies.”
“That doesn’t give me any kind of leg to stand on for building a life that could be worthy of Soleil.”
“You think there aren’t a hundred people in this court who would count you as a friend and be willing to lend a hand?” he asks, sounding truly perplexed. “Or in Gales Harbor, or in Traverdale, or a dozen other cities throughout the realm? Have you ever thought to ask?”
The question makes me bite the inside of my cheek, silent and chagrined.
“What I think, friend,” Callum continues gently, but firmly, as he stands and claps a hand on my shoulder, “is that you need to spend a little less time wallowing and a little more time doing something about it. You think you need to be more worthy of her? Then do something worthwhile. Staying here and drinking yourself into a stupor certainly won’t get you any closer to her. ”
He’s right.
He’s right, and I’m pathetic, and though I’m still half-tempted to just stay here and give into the hopelessness of it all, I make myself nod.
“Aye. You’re right about that.”
Callum, the smug bastard, just smiles. “I know I am. I also know you need to be open to trusting your mate, Finn. I can’t say I know Soleil well, but I certainly know her sister, and if there’s one thing Seren has proven to me time and time again, it’s that she’ll never stop surprising me.
Perhaps the same could be said for Soleil. ”
My mother’s words ring in my ears.
Let her surprise you, Finn. You’ll never know until you put yourself out there for her and try.
It’s the opposite of what I’m doing, isn’t it? Allowing myself to sit here in tired self-deprecation and the belief I can never be anything more than what I am.
And that ends now.
“You’ve gotten wiser these past months,” I concede, and Callum’s grin widens. “I’ll give all the credit for that to Seren.”
“Please do. She’s the best of me, and Goddess knows where I’d be without her.”