46 #3
Because it’s all well and good to Ascend and start making changes, but that doesn’t erase the fundamental fact of what Ascension requires.
Not our rules, but the rules of the Goddess.
Whatever magick she uses to bind us to this place during the Ascension ceremony isn’t exactly within our control.
And yet.
Somehow I can’t believe there isn’t room for change there as well.
Isn’t change exactly what Allie brought about when she recast the bargain? When Joan and Seren and all the other witches found their own fated mates instead of having that responsibility fall squarely onto one person’s shoulders?
I don’t know all the answers, don’t know if it’s even possible, but maybe the Goddess plans for me to make some changes, too.
“What do you want, Soleil?”
For the first time, the answer comes to me easily.
“Everything.”
Esme lets out a disapproving little huff through her nose. “And by ‘everything’ I assume you mean—”
“Everything,” I repeat.
The answer doesn’t please her any more the second time, but at this point I hardly care.
It’s on me.
It’s always been on me.
I’ve always had the ability to choose, to challenge, to push back, to embrace the change I’ve always known was needed here.
I just never had the courage.
Not until now, at least.
“I still want to Ascend,” I tell her, barely believing my audacity.
“I was under the impression you had made… other commitments.” Esme looks me up and down, as if she can see the magick of the mate bond written all over my skin.
And who knows?
With her arcane abilities, who’s to say she can’t?
“I intend to honor all my commitments. To the coven, and any I might make elsewhere.”
“And you think this is even possible? The Goddess does not take kindly to supplicants who can only offer half their devotion.”
For a moment, I press my lips together so I don’t say something I really will regret. Now’s not the time to argue about the nature of our deity with her High Priestess.
“I suppose that’s between me and the Goddess,” I say instead. “If she rejects me and my petition to Ascend on Samhain, then I suppose I’ll have my answer.”
“I suppose you will.”
“I’ll be mated before then, too,” I say, partly just because I want to scandalize her, partly because the words have been ready to burst out of me for days now. “To Finn. My mate. My demon mate. He’s great, and supportive, and mating him means as much to me as becoming a priestess does.”
“Mated and Ascended? Why not just throw in a marriage and a few blood oaths to see how much you can truly test the Goddess’ goodwill?”
“Don’t tempt me, Esme.”
For a moment, I almost think she’ll laugh.
A genuine laugh, with actual humor in it.
But the moment passes, and the most I’m going to get is a sparkle of mirth in her eye before she shakes her head and turns her gaze back out the window. She stays there for a few moments, lost in her thoughts, before she returns to the desk and sits down.
“Allie as a queen, Joan as an envoy, you as a priestess with a mate, more than a few of my witches abdicating the coven hall for the demon realm.” Esme lets out a long, world-weary sigh.
“Now if only I could get Seren to come back and Ascend like she was always supposed to, the two of you would shake this coven to its foundations.”
I bark out a startled laugh. “Good luck with that.”
“Well,” she says, falling immediately and uncannily back under the High Priestess mask.
Sitting taller, with the cool, implacable Esme Hawthorn firmly back in place.
“Enough sentiment for today. As it stands, your Ascension will still take place on Samhain. Whether that Ascension is accepted is between you and the Goddess.”
“But you’ll still perform the Rite?” I ask, barely able to believe it.
“I’ll still perform the Rite.”
“Okay.” I stand, smooth out my skirt, and do my best not to let my glee show on my face. “Good. I’ll be here.”
“And you’ll be here three days before to help prepare for the Rite and for Samhain festivities, as all Crescent witches are expected to.”
That doesn’t give me a ton of time to take care of everything else I need to. But—the victory I’ve won here aside—I’m still not reckless enough to squander the last shreds of Esme’s patience, so I nod.
“I will.”
“Excellent.” She inclines her head toward the door before turning back to the mountain of paperwork on her desk. “Then you may show yourself out.”
With no point in pleasantries, I do as she says, retreating before she changes her mind and shutting the door softly behind me.
In the hallway, I walk a few paces away before my knees nearly give out with the force of my relief.
A chance.
I have my chance.
Half-collapsing with hands braced on the balcony railing overlooking the entrance hall below, I take a moment to savor the impossibility of it.
The autumn sun sets early over the woods, casting rays of golden light through the high windows and onto my face where I stand and let out a shaky, triumphant laugh.
Just a few days until Samhain.
Just a few days until everything changes.
And I have so much to do before then.
Now I just have to hope I haven’t broken things with Finn beyond repair.