10. CHAPTER #2
“Look here, Debbie. I’ve not been having a fun time lately.
I’m sorry about your monster people and your great mission going to shit, I really am, but I have my own problems. If you want to stay here and die, that’s a you problem.
So, sorry. Or whatever.” Indy sighed in relief as Dill’s foliage finally retreated and he could now stand on his own two feet.
He stretched his arm and realized that Dill’s giant hug had healed him.
He felt good.
Like, wow, really good.
Dill materialized beside him with a smile that was downright smug.
“Thank you, Dill,” Indy cooed, reaching up to give his chin a scratch. “I will never doubt your magical hugs ever again. Now, are we ready to escape and go home and drink lots and lots of booze?”
“Grow?” Dill perked up.
“Yup. Grow all you want. I want to get the fuck out of here.”
Dill grunted happily and lumbered up to the bars.
His already massive body increased in size until his antlers scraped the ceiling, and he grabbed a bar in each hand.
He pulled, and they snapped like popsicle sticks.
He kept grunting and breaking the bars two at a time, clearly intent on destroying all of them.
Indy started to point out that they only needed a few out of the way, but Dill seemed to be having fun, so he let it continue.
“You realize we’re in another dimension, right?” Debbie drawled. “Do you have any idea how to break the wards protecting this world and open a portal back to the Terrestrial plane?”
“Uh.” Indy hummed for a long moment and then popped his tongue. “No. No, I do not.”
Debbie shook his head, slowly sitting up. “Let’s get going then.”
“Huh? What happened to being tired and wanting to die all alone?”
“If the Mostros manage to take your Artifact and continue their rule of Somerstown, I know that monsters will still suffer. But…” Debbie groaned as he stood. “At least they’ll still be alive for the privilege.”
“Well, right now, I have it.” Indy wiggled his finger with the ring. “And I don’t want to hurt anyone, all right? I just want to go home, get drunk, and watch RuPaul with my Gammy.”
Debbie smiled. “Oh! You like RuPaul’s Drag Race?”
“Yeah!” Indy laughed. “You watch it too?”
“Tyra Sanchez is my favorite—”
“Ew. Maybe I will leave you here to die.”
“Let’s just go, hmm?”
Dill had finally finished breaking all of the bars and beamed. If he had a tail, it would probably be wagging. He left the cell and headed down the hallway. Shiny bits of green in his cloak glowed, some kind of bioluminescent plant material, and lit the way forward.
Indy was right behind him, tapping his nails against his palm.
There was, of course, a very silly part of his brain that hoped Mr. Heiss would come for him, but he didn’t want to set himself up for disappointment either.
Mr. Heiss only cared about the ring, and all the dancing, drag queen watching, and sexy bathtime torture didn’t change that.
No matter how much Indy wished it did.
As usual, he needed to handle this himself and be his own damn hero.
After all, it was the only way no one could let him down.
The hallway was long—insanely so—but finally came to an end with a crude wooden door. There was a tiny slit cut into it, and Indy pushed past Dill to peek through and see what was on the other side. As soon as he did, his heart dropped into his stomach like a stone.
There was an army.
Dozens upon dozens of monsters, maybe even hundreds, mulled about a rocky clearing outside. Weres, imps, naga, and more than Indy could even name, though he’d slept with at least one of each species present.
Except the spider guy.
Spiders were a big nope.
Beyond the clearing and giant army of terrifying monsters was a set of three metal doors. Considering the doors were attached to absolutely nothing, Indy assumed they were portals. He didn’t know where they led, but anywhere had to be better than here.
“Shit,” Debbie hissed. “What are they all doing here?”
“How the fuck should I know?” Indy spat back.
“We have to get to those doors. If I can get close enough, I can alter the spell to have one of them bring us back to Somerstown.”
“How close do you need to be?”
“Very close.”
Indy groaned and scrubbed his hands over his face. “Okay, we need… We need something. We need a distraction.” He patted his pockets, finding the two pennies there. “Oh, and I have just the fucking thing.” He grinned as he held them up triumphantly.
Debbie gave Indy a flat stare. “Is this supposed to be a joke about your two cents or something?”
“No! Just, ugh, back up.” Indy kneeled and started drawing in the dirt there on the floor.
He did his best to recreate the magical two dicks symbol Gammy had made, trying to recall each and every curve and angle from memory.
It was not an image he was going to easily forget, but he wasn’t sure if it was right.
There was only one way to find out though.
He placed the pennies on the floor by the symbol, stepped on it, and waited.
There!
Reginald!
Sort of.
One of his eyes was lower than the other, his ears were crooked, but he otherwise looked as he did before.
“Hey, big guy.” Indy waved.
Reginald slowly blinked his copper eyes.
“So, you see me and my new friend here? He’s a bunny like you! Isn’t that great?” Indy pointed outside. “There’s a bunch of monsters outside who hate bunnies and we need you to distract them. So, attack them, piss ’em off, and take everyone for a run around the block, okay?”
Reginald immediately walked through the door, shattering it to splinters as he charged forward to complete his mission.
“A golem?” Debbie frowned. “They’re not exactly… bright.”
“Didn’t see you coming up with any ideas!” Indy hugged the wall, peeking out from the broken doorframe to watch. “Okay… I think this is working. Christ, oh, he ate someone. That’s fine. Uh, they’re… they’re going! They’re following him.”
“Not all of them,” Debbie griped.
“Dill. Babe.” Indy grinned up at him. “You ready to grow and kick some ass? We need to make it to those doors in one piece, pretty please.”
“Grow!” Dill cackled, skipping ahead and growing.
He was bigger, wider, and long tendrils came coiling out from his body like snakes.
They cracked like whips, grabbing the lingering monsters and then flinging them up into the air as Dill turned into Dillzilla.
The very ground beneath his feet cracked and ruptured as gnarled roots rippled through the soil like his very own monster plant version of Tremors.
Indy sprinted after him, but he saw Debbie falling behind. He groaned, stomped his foot, but went back to grab Debbie. “Come on, slut! We have a portal to open, right?”
“Why am I a slut?” Debbie fussed. “That seems unnecessary!”
“Shut up, ho! Let’s go!”
Dill cleared a path to the doors and once he arrived, his roots and vines curled together to build a wall around them. He laughed as he continued to hurl monsters up into the air, a vision reminiscent of a child playing Godzilla and tossing their toys around.
Debbie collapsed in front of the doors, panting from exertion as he examined them. “I think I can… No… Please? Fuck! No… Yes!” He settled on the door farthest to the right and quickly said, “This one! I can break the seals, but I need time!”
“Courtesy of my fantastic friend, Dillzilla, you’ve got it.”
Indy took a deep breath, his fingers trembling from the adrenaline coursing through him. He thought he might throw up, but he had to stay strong. He was not going to die here. No, fuck no, he was not going to—oh!
Pain stabbed into his chest like it had in the elevator, and his knees went weak.
No, no, no.
Not again.
Indy choked on air, clawing at his chest as the agony grew.
The pain was so great that he was on the verge of passing out, dying, or maybe both.
It sure as hell felt like dying, and terror racked him from head to toe.
He quickly thought back to Mr. Heiss, his touch and his voice, bringing Indy down from the edge of panic.
Breathe.
Indy breathed. Each breath was less ragged than the first, and he was able to focus now on the memory of Mr. Heiss dancing with him, how he’d smiled and laughed, the gentle touch of his claws on Indy’s body.
“Hey! Hey, what’s wrong with you?” Debbie grimaced, his eyes narrowed in concentration. “I’ve almost got it!”
“Shut up,” Indy wheezed. “I’m fine.”
“Grow?” Dill nudged Indy.
“Grow, yes, lots of growing.” Indy swatted up at him, still holding his chest as he tried to catch his breath. “Easy! Not right now.”
“No…” Dill nudged him harder. “Grow!”
“Ow, what?” Indy nearly toppled over. “Hey! What is wrong with—”
Dill grabbed Indy’s head between his index finger and thumb like a grape, then turned him around.
It was Reginald.
He was already on his way back over the hill. He was missing an arm, part of him was smoldering and covered in green glowing goo, but he was running hard and fast and coming right at them.
And all of the army was right behind him.
Fuck.
Indy choked out a strangled sound and flicked his nails, going for his left thumb. He snapped it, expecting the usual iron rod he could wield like a baton and smack some heads in. Instead, it was a six-foot iron staff with strange runes carved all along its length.
Holy shit, Mr. Heiss must have given him an upgrade.
Indy gave the staff an experimental twirl and slammed it into the ground.
Fuck yes, he could work with this.
“Hey, Dill. Babe? Love? Darling?” Indy batted his eyes. “Just how big can you grow?”
Dill grinned. “Big. Big grow.”
“Go for it.” Indy took a deep breath and held the staff at the ready, his heart zooming into the back of his throat.
They had only seconds before Reginald and the first wave of the army got here.
He knew they would likely be overwhelmed in moments even with Dill’s new supersized form.
Debbie was busy working on the door, and Indy plus a cool new staff was still not going to be enough to tip the scales in their favor.