Chapter 18
THE AIRY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC ENDED and the yoga instructor slowly turned the lights on around the perimeter of the room. If I could figure out a way to just show up for the last fifteen minutes of class and the guided meditation while I sacked out on my mat, I’d go to yoga every day. Twice a day.
I actually hadn’t minded the poses this time.
Even the core sequence felt good for a change, instead of like slow torture.
After my time with Erik, my whole body felt alive, as if even in the absence of his touch, my skin was somehow more sensitive.
I could get used to the feeling but I still wasn’t sure how I felt about the spanking.
Or rather, I was sure I loved it—like came so hard I saw stars and might have screamed myself hoarse—but I wasn’t sure how I felt about loving it.
If I got off on the naughty schoolgirl thing, on the equivalent of Erik turning me over his knee and punishing me, what did it mean?
I had a lot of feelings to work through on the issue, but I knew without a doubt I’d bend over for him again if he asked me.
The only part that felt off was the lack of sex, which was maybe not accurate considering the multiple orgasms and the amount of time I’d spent naked with him.
It didn’t matter; it wasn’t the same. I wanted him inside me, moving above me or under me.
I didn’t care about the specifics. I wanted to feel myself joined to him, not just through mutual pleasure, a real I take your body into mine kind of union.
It was as if he’d uncovered an empty space inside me only he could fill, and every time we were together, the ache got stronger.
I understood why he’d insisted on no sex in the beginning.
It really cheesed my biscuits that he’d been the emotionally mature one of us, but he’d been right.
I was so used to using sex for power even when I wasn’t having it.
I never would have surrendered and made myself vulnerable if he hadn’t held the line.
And that meant I’d never have felt all the things I was feeling with him.
I was ready to go farther. I’d been sure he was too and then at the last minute, he pulled back and pulled away.
“Ready to go?” asked Meredith, waving her hand in front of me.
“You zoned out on me for a minute there.” She’d already rolled up her mat and stood in front of me, hand on her hip, looking like some kind of Celtic goddess.
It didn’t matter how hard the class was; she never looked like she’d been working.
“Yeah. Sorry,” I said, shaking myself back to the present. I rolled up my mat and shoved my feet into my shoes before falling into step beside her.
“Want to go to Mocha & Mine? They’ve got those chili ganache things you like this week.”
We had a standing arrangement. I did yoga with her because I had to do some kind of exercise and I hated yoga the least, and she went with me for coffee and chocolate afterward. Or pralines. I could be flexible with the treat as long as our calorie intake came close to meeting our expenditure.
“Sounds good.” I glanced over and caught her watching me, her green eyes intent. “What?”
“I’m not sure,” she said, searching my face.
“There’s something different with you. There wasn’t nearly as much bitching as usual and you seem lighter.
I don’t know—different somehow. The last time we got together, you were popping antacids like they were M&M’s.
What changed? Did Charlotte get the lawsuit dropped? ”
My steps faltered at the mention of the lawsuit.
I’d been so wrapped up in Erik—tied up by Erik—I hadn’t asked Charlotte about the status of the suit against my company.
I knew she’d tell me if something big came up but it bugged me that I’d so quickly re-ordered my priorities around a man.
It bothered me more that when I thought about going back to work, my chest tightened in an uncomfortable way.
My bills were paid up for the month and I had a little bit of money in my checking account and a couple of months’ worth of expenses in my money market, but unless something changed with the lawsuit, and quick, I was going to have to figure out another way to support myself.
“Nope. No change.” I left it there. The rest of my feelings were too complicated to talk about before a serious infusion of cacao.
“It’s something.”
I didn’t offer an explanation. I wasn’t ready to talk about Erik, not until I had a better understanding of how I felt about things and what the hell—besides the obvious bondage stuff—we were doing.
After another half block, she stopped guessing and turned her attention back to the street in front of us.
The coffee shop was four blocks from the yoga studio and this time of day, the streets were clogged with tourists and traffic.
I’d sweated through my T-shirt again by the time the door of the café closed on the heat outside, trapping us in coffee-scented air-conditioned bliss.
We placed our coffee orders and got a pound of assorted chocolate truffles to share, heavy on the chili ones I loved.
While I waited for the barista to call my name, I scanned the small tins lining the side wall.
I’d never really paid attention before but they had lavender-infused Earl Grey in a pretty gray-purple tin and a dozen or so other choices.
Nowhere near as many as in the tea shop Erik and I visited, but there was a black tea with orange peel that looked interesting and a lapsang with ginger I wanted to see if Erik liked.
I picked up three of the tins and headed to register.
“Tea?” asked Meredith. “I thought you only drank coffee.” She pinned me with her too-perceptive gaze, and I tried to figure out how to explain that they weren’t for me without mentioning that they were for someone else.
“I drink tea sometimes.”
“No. You don’t. You drink coffee by the industrial carafe size. I’ve never seen you drink tea.”
“It’s a new thing. I’ve got a friend who got me into it.” I shrugged as if it were the most natural explanation in the world.
“Oh my God, you’ve met someone. You’re in love.” She let out a squeal so loud it was a miracle the plate glass window stayed intact.
“Ow.” I juggled the tins so I could stick my finger in my ear to stop the ringing.
I don’t know why people do that. It didn’t help.
“Maybe dial it back a couple hundred decibels, and no, I’m not in love.
” I wasn’t, was I? I mean, there was the tea but that’s what friends did—get things for each other.
Erik and I had already established we were friends.
More disturbing were the re-ordered priorities, but that didn’t mean I was in love. Did it? Fuck.
Meredith grabbed my elbow, dragged me to the counter to pay for the tea and hurried me to a table in the back of the restaurant before releasing me.
“My coffee,” I said, looking plaintively at the counter. It felt like I was miles from caffeine and cacao faced with nothing but a ginger in her full power, determined to help me sort through my feelings.
“Relax, you big baby,” she said, sounding uncharacteristically demanding. Meredith was usually the nice one. “I’ll get your coffee after you tell me his name. And don’t bother trying to deny it.”
“It’s complicated,” I said, trying to work out how to tell her about Erik without telling her everything about him.
And then reconsidered before I opened my mouth because, as it turned out, I actually wanted someone to talk to about him who wasn’t obsessed with attorney-client privilege.
I loved Charlotte and I knew she loved me, but given the way we started, I wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to see him through anything other than her lawyer filter.
We were way beyond that. Hell, I wasn’t sure that’s where we’d even started.
I’d have to check with him, but I’d bet we’d both built a pretty extensive fantasy around each other before we got to the deposition.
I know I had. I hadn’t been ready to tell Elena. I was ready now.
“His name’s Erik. And I’m not in love. At least I don’t think I am.”
Managing to stifle another squeal, Meredith hugged me while I collapsed back into my chair, wondering how I’d ever let things get this far.
Erik and I were supposed to be playing at Bondage 101.
Hell, maybe 501. He could teach a graduate-level course on floggers alone.
We’d crossed over from adversaries to friends, but honestly, that was supposed to be it.
Emotions had no place in anything we’d done.
Except they did. I’d been more honest with Erik than I’d been with any other man.
Maybe because we’d started out not needing to impress each other, maybe because he demanded honesty in my responses to him, and we were both too damn competitive to cheat or give up.
I thought back to the way he’d cradled me in his arms as I read to him.
The way he said he needed to hold me. He’d been the one doing the spanking, but I hadn’t been the only one making myself vulnerable.
Did that mean he’d let his emotions get involved too?
A freaking colony of butterflies set up residence in my stomach and the whiplash pulled me up short.
I wanted him involved—emotionally invested up to his eyeballs—and I didn’t want to ever talk to him about any of it.
In equal measures. Trying to hold two thoughts that couldn’t exist simultaneously threatened to strip the last bit of my control.
“Hold on a minute,” said Meredith, her forehead creased in concern. “I’ll go get your coffee and then we’ll talk.”
I nodded, not sure I could manage more without caffeine.
I glanced down at the bag holding the tea canisters still clutched in my arms and fought the visceral urge to fling them away.
Like maybe if I ignored my feelings for Erik, they might disappear.
I opted for setting the bag on the floor beside me and stared at my empty hands resting on the café tabletop until Meredith came back with my macchiato and a small box of truffles.
She set the cup in my hands and opened the box, revealing the balls of chocolatey goodness.
“Let’s start with the easy question. Where did you meet this Erik?” She took a swallow of her coffee and waited, watching me, presumably for signs I planned to bolt and take the truffles with me.
I popped one in my mouth instead and waited for the rich chocolate with its slight hit of cayenne to hit my system, washing it down with the rich frothy coffee.
“He was the attorney behind the cease-and-desist motion.”
“No shit?” Meredith’s green eyes went wide and she blew out a breath. “No wonder you don’t look happy about the love thing. How did you manage this?”
“He hired me.” I popped another truffle—hazelnut this time—in my mouth and told her everything.
When I got to the flogger and Outlander, she made me wait until she refilled our macchiatos, calories be damned.
By the time we got to the part where I admitted I’d fallen in love with the arrogant attorney, the truffles were long gone, and I was feeling a sense of loss that had nothing to do with the lack of chocolate.
I’d made a rookie mistake and confused good—fuck, phenomenal—sex with intimacy.
I’d fallen in love with a man who wasn’t looking for a relationship.
Hell, in the beginning, he hadn’t been looking for anything other than to teach me a lesson.
I ignored the fact that I’d learned that lesson and more and pushed aside all the other things we’d done together.
The sweet things. The things I knew I’d miss when we walked away.
There was no reason to compound the mistake I’d already made by going farther down a road I was sure led to a dead end.