Chapter Twenty
“YOU’RE IN EARLY,” SAID JARED, leaning against the doorframe to my office.
“I didn’t expect you to come rolling in here until after nine, looking all rested and refreshed from your weekend sex-a-thon.
” He crossed the office and dropped into one of the leather client chairs, pinning me with his prosecutor’s gaze.
“You look like shit. What happened? Tell me you didn’t fuck things up with the doctor lady. ”
“Fuck off.” I didn’t want to talk about Alex.
Hell, I didn’t want to think about Alex, not that it had done me any good.
I hadn’t been able to think of anything else since she used her safe word and walked out of my house—out of my life.
I’d finally given up and gone into the office to try to work my way through my feelings. It wasn’t helping.
“Talk to me, man.” He leaned forward in the chair, concern etched on his face.
“No. Not yet,” I added to soften my words. He cared about me. I appreciated that, even if I didn’t want to share what happened with Alex. I was ashamed, and I needed to hold onto those feelings on my own for a while longer.
“You really like her.” His eyebrows hit his hairline, shock clear on his face.
Like was an understatement. After she walked out my door, taking her light and laughter and leaving me behind, I realized my feelings for Alex were a lot stronger than like.
I loved her and instead of telling her, I offered her money to let me fuck her.
There was no way in hell I was coming back from that.
If I were her, I wouldn’t talk to me again.
I couldn’t imagine never talking to her again, never holding her.
The sex was phenomenal. There weren’t enough words in my vocabulary to describe it, but it was my soul that ached for her.
I’d spent the better part of a day and night trying to convince my stupid heart I’d survive her leaving.
I knew now I wouldn’t. What I didn’t know was what the fuck to do about it.
“It’s more than that, isn’t it?” Jared asked when I didn’t respond.
I nodded, unwilling or unable to say the words. At this point, who the fuck cared? I was wrecked either way. I’d hurt Alex so badly she had to use her safe word to protect herself. From me. With a few careless words, I’d managed to do what I couldn’t do with a crop or flogger or whip.
“You go after everything you want, and I’ve never seen you miss.” He held up his hand before I could protest. “Julie didn’t count. You didn’t really want her. You wanted what you thought she could be. That was never going to be the relationship you wanted it to be.”
“It’s complicated.”
“It always is, man.”
“Excuse me, Mr. Jensen,” my assistant cut in on the intercom. “I’ve got an Elena Patrick on the line. She’s insisting she speak with you about a home tour.”
I paused for a moment, the kernel of an idea forming. I couldn’t undo the damage I’d done, but maybe there was a way for me to avoid being an ass moving forward.
“Find me if you want to talk,” Jared said on his way out the door.
I nodded, grateful even though we both knew I had no intention of taking him up on his offer.
“Put her through.”