Chapter 25 #2
I opened my eyes, and for a brief moment, I was still there hanging from the ceiling. All I could do was swing my arms and ball my fists, crying and screaming while desperately trying to fight.
“Alyx! Stop. Stop. It’s okay.”
I screamed again.
“Alyx! It’s me. It’s me…Onyx.”
I opened my eyes and looked right at the familiar face. Onyx grabbed my wrists and pulled me toward him, wrapping his arms tightly around me.
“Jesus, Alyx. It’s okay.”
The relief that flowed over me was indescribable. It was like water over dry sand, and I soaked it all up right before sobs wracked through my body.
“It’s okay.” He rocked me back and forth while I continued to cry into his shoulder. “It was just a nightmare.”
The tears kept coming, and I couldn’t stop.
He weaved his hand through the hair on the back of my neck while clutching me against him. “I got you. It’s okay.”
His touch was warm against my neck, and the way he held me felt comforting, slowly easing away the horror of what I had just experienced. And as the realization of it only being a nightmare started to sink in, my sobs turned into soft, labored breaths.
Onyx pulled away an inch to look at me. “You okay?”
I nodded even though I screamed “no” on the inside.
He wiped a strand of hair from my face, fingers gently touching my cheek. “You sure?”
I nodded again, but this time I pulled away from him. “I’m fine.”
“Are you sure? Because you scared the bejesus out of me when I heard you scream like that. What the fuck did you dream?”
I wiped my nose with the back of my hand. “Nothing.”
He raised a brow. “That sure as fuck didn’t sound like nothing.”
“I’m fine.” I scooted up, pressing my back against the headboard. “Really. I’m fine.”
He seemed doubtful as he looked at me. “You sure?”
“Yeah.”
“Good.” He placed his hands on his knees, suddenly seeming uncomfortable. “Can I get you anything? Coffee? Sugar water? Xanax?”
I snorted. “If I say Xanax, can you give me ten?” I sniffed.
“Don’t push it.” He winked, his lips curled up in a half-smile.
I pulled my knees up to my chest. My heart was still pounding against my ribs, my gut still heavy with fear even though I felt the relief of it all being a nightmare.
“So, are you going to tell me what it was?”
I glanced at Onyx. “What do you mean?”
“What your nightmare was about?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
Onyx nodded. “As long as you know you’re safe now.”
“Am I?”
“You know what I mean.”
I remained silent and scanned the room. “Where are we?”
Onyx got up from the bed. “It’s a safe house.”
“A safe house?”
“Yeah. We didn’t want to chance it, so we brought you here.”
I glanced down at the white sheets and softly brushed my palm across it. “Is he here too?”
“Granite? Yeah, he’s here.”
Somehow, knowing he was there made the lingering fear of my nightmare disappear a little more. I hated that, though. I hated that his presence still affected me. I didn’t want to feel anything when it came to him. I wanted that part of me he consumed so easily to be nothing but a void of darkness.
“So,” Onyx walked to the door, “I’m going to go get you something…I dunno, something to eat, maybe?”
I didn’t answer him. I just watched as my palm moved over the soft sheets.
“Okay, then.”
From the corner of my eye, I saw him turn to leave, and I took a deep breath. “I was there.”
He stopped. “Where?”
“I was there where she was.”
“Who?”
“Neon.”
The expression on his face tightened, his eyes sad yet confused. “What do you mean?”
“That picture I saw with her hanging from the ceiling. I was there.”
“Jesus Christ.” Onyx rubbed the back of his neck.
“It was terrifying, but I’m sure it wasn’t half as bad as it was for her.”
“Listen, Alyx,” he pulled out a cigarette, “don’t go there. You’ll drive yourself bat-shit crazy.”
“I think I’m already crazy.” I straightened my legs on the bed and glanced around. The walls were a light gray. Calming. Serene. Yet just another prison.
Onyx came closer, standing right next to me. “You’re not crazy. You’re just a beautiful ballerina who got caught up in a war between some very bad people.”
I looked up at him. “Is that what you are? Bad people?”
His pressed his lips in a straight line and reached out, tucking my hair behind my ear. “We sure ain’t saints.”
For what felt like the longest time, he kept my gaze. Suddenly, the silence seemed to stretch for miles with him standing so close to me, touching me.
Onyx cleared his throat and pulled back, like he didn’t mean for that moment to happen. “You sure you’re okay?”
No. No, I wasn’t okay. I felt rotten on the inside, slowly festering into nothing but filth. But I just nodded.
“Sure I can’t get you anything? You haven’t eaten for a while.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want anything. Thanks.”
“I think you should eat,” he pressed, but I ignored him and got underneath the sheets.
“I’ll bring you something.”
“Please don’t.”
“Alyx, don’t be stubborn.”
I let out a sarcastic laugh. “Believe me, I’m a lot of things right now. Stubborn ain’t one of them.”
I heard him sigh. “I want to help.”
“Why? Because your brother told you to?
“Nope. Me being here has nothing to do with him.”
I closed my eyes. “Wish I could say the same.”
“Alyx—”
“Please leave.”
“Listen. You need to eat and drink something. You’re weak.”
“I don’t want anything.” I clutched the white blanket tighter then pulled it over my head. “Please leave, Onyx.”
“Don’t do this to yourself, Alyx. It’s not worth it.”
Tears burned the back of my eyes, the reason I preferred to be catatonic, to not feel anything. Feeling nothing was better than feeling something that had the power to crack your soul wide open.
“Leave, Onyx.” I closed my eyes, willing the tears and pain away. Then I heard the door close as Onyx left. But then it opened again, and footsteps followed. I peeked from underneath the sheet.
Onyx placed a bottle of water on the bedside table then sat on the floor with his back against the wall. “I’ll sit my ass right here until you decide to drink that water and eat those crackers. If you’re hellbent on being malnourished and dehydrated, I’ll join you.”
I bit my lip. The last thing I needed was a man trying to be a hero by wanting to help me. “I know what you’re doing, Onyx. It won’t work.”
“What am I doing?”
I turned halfway and glanced at him over my shoulder. “You’re trying to make me feel guilty by torturing yourself. It won’t work.” I lay back down. “Not when I no longer feel anything.”
“That’s a lie.”
I closed my eyes, trying to shut him out.
“You still feel. As long as you have a heart, you still feel.”
This time I let out a soft laugh. “I’m good, then, since your brother tore my heart out of my chest and let it bleed out with her while she hung from that goddamn ceiling with a—” I choked on a painful sob as my words painted the picture I had managed to forget…until now.
“Stop, Alyx. Okay? Don’t do this to yourself. There’s nothing you could have done.”
“But there was something your brother could have done. He could have saved her, but he chose not to.” The words left a bitter taste in my mouth.
“It’s not that simple.”
Through the tears of guilt, I laughed. “Oh, my God. It seems that’s the only thing anyone can say around here. ‘It’s not that simple.’”
“Well, it isn’t. For you, everything is black and white. Right or wrong. But you need to open your eyes. Nothing in this entire goddamn world is black and white, and we’re the lucky sons of bitches living in that thick, fucked-up gray area.”
“She lived in this gray area too.” Tears slipped down my cheek, the saltiness exploding on my tongue, and I wondered if this was what guilt tasted like. “Neon was a part of this world with you, yet you chose to let her die.”
“Why the hell do you care so much? You hardly knew her.”
My heart beat a little faster, a sliver of anger starting to thaw the ice in my veins. I sat up and turned toward him. “Is that how it is for you? That you can only mourn someone, feel guilt over hurting someone if you’ve known them for a certain amount of time?”
“That’s not what I’m saying.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I don’t get why you’re beating yourself up over this. Even if it was as simple as you claim it to be, Granite…we are responsible for what happened to Neon. Not you.”
“You don’t get it, do you?” I pulled my hair out of my face by weaving my fingers through it.
“If it wasn’t for me being my father’s daughter, none of this would have happened.
If it wasn’t for me, your brother wouldn’t have needed to choose between me and Neon.
If it wasn’t for me, your brother wouldn’t have torn my clothes while he fucked me.
” Onyx flinched, but I kept going. “If it wasn’t for me, Neon never would have left to go buy me some new clothes.
If. It. Wasn’t. For me. Neon would still be alive.
” I cocked my head to the side. “So, tell me, Onyx, what or who is the common denominator in this fucking equation?”
Pulling his palm down his face, he sighed. “You.”
“Exactly. So even though your brother refused to save Neon’s life, I’m the goddamn reason this happened to her.
And I might not have known her for that long, and I might have met her under these cruel circumstances, but she was nice to me.
And she was a fucking human being with a heartbeat.
Now, please leave, because my guilt is all the company I can stand right now. ”
I lay back down and pulled the blanket over my ears, trying to cover myself as much as possible.
If only there was a way to hide the shame and the pain I felt.
Granite seduced me, and I succumbed so fucking easily.
If only I had fought harder, tried harder to not give in to the lust and the way my body desired him.
Maybe then I wouldn’t have been smothered in shame like I was now.
Then I’d merely have the pain and guilt of being partly responsible for a girl losing her life.