Chapter 4
CRUZ
What was normal?
I asked myself that question on the day of the funeral while I sat at home staring blankly at the television.
My friends—were they even my friends?—my maybe friends were at the memorial that the school was throwing in honor of Olivia.
It made no sense for me to be there since I never spoke to Olivia.
Other than Micah and Ava, I wasn’t friendly with anyone in the sports system.
Half, if not most, of the school would be there today. It was normal for people to want to have a sense of community when bad things happened. What happened was fucked up and tragic. Things like that didn’t happen to normal people.
I almost scoffed at the thought.
There had been no normal for me growing up. If I had been following a pattern of sorrows, then what was happening now shouldn’t have been all that surprising. The list of abnormalities stared back at me.
Abandoned when I was a baby—check. I was so lonely I made friends with a sweet old lady who felt sorry for me and shared bread with me on Fridays.
I lost my virginity at fifteen to an eighteen-year-old girl who was making money for tricks—double check.
A year later, my bunkmate drunkenly kissed me, and I came to the conclusion it didn’t repulse me, so I explored my sexuality with him—triple check. And now I could maybe add murdering someone, or being responsible for someone’s death. No, my life wasn’t normal at all.
I told myself I made light of these things because otherwise I would come down with an aneurysm, and that would fucking suck. I mean, could it suck if I ended up dead? Not like I would feel anything at that point.
Ignorance wasn’t helping any of us anymore. I picked up my phone and almost hated what I had to do next.
Normal people did favors without expecting anything in return, but where I came from, you didn’t get anything without promising something in return.
At this point, it was better to banter with the devil I knew.
I was aware that Big Dog could get me the information I needed, but if I went to him with this he would know I was investigating something from that night, and, well, I had been following him, so the verdict was still up in the air.
“Fuck it,” I muttered.
The phone rang five times before I got an answer.
“Gotta say, compita, I didn’t think you would be calling. It’s been, what, three years?”
“Mr. Rivas,” I murmured.
I always got the creeps whenever I talked to him. There was a general consensus that politicians were dirty and slimy but well-polished because someone else did their dirty work. So, ultimately, they were cowards because someone else was behind their power.
That was not the case here.
Mr. Rivas did his own dirty work, and no one questioned him.
Laughter could be heard at the end of the line. Not mocking me, per se, but now was not the time to get offended. I guess a part of me felt like I needed to prove myself to Ava, Micah, and Grayson.
“I need a favor,” I managed to say.
“A favor,” he repeated more slowly.
“How the hell did you get this shit?” Grayson asked after the shock of the images had worn off.
“Don’t worry about it.”
The less they knew, the better. I already felt guilty enough that Big Dog associated them with me. I didn’t need another criminal lord looking into them.
Micah looked concerned, his brow furrowed as he looked me over.
“Where’s Ava?” I asked.
Both Grayson and Micah looked at one another with mirroring expressions.
There was a closeness to them that had not been there before the party.
They stood side by side, and we no longer had an awkward triangle.
I wondered if this was them making a statement.
It was them, and then there was me. Maybe Livy’s death reminded them that, at the end of the day, they all belonged, and people like me didn’t.
“She’s been ignoring our messages,” Grayson said.
“She hasn’t returned any of my calls,” Micah added.
On the other hand, I never even reached out.
I only had one class today, so I didn’t need to be in school for longer than necessary.
I usually hung around since we all went to the library and shit.
Since I wanted to find a sense of normalcy instead, I asked Mr. Hayes if I could come into work a lot earlier than normal.
“I have to head out to work, but talk to you all later,” I said, and a part of me was somewhat disappointed as I saw them walk back to Grayson’s car.
Everything was so fucked up, and I knew my mind was all over the place because at work, I couldn’t even concentrate.
Working at the garage was both a blessing and a curse.
Ava’s dad was cool as shit, and he was easy to get along with, but with everything going on, I kept feeling like I was letting him down or disrespecting him.
A few hours later, Mr. Hayes came up to me, and knowing my luck, I was about to get fired.
Ava had gotten me the job.
Ava could take it away.
What if she told her dad that hiring me had been a mistake?
“Sir.” I was surprised my voice came out even and calm.
He looked pained.
Shit, he was going to do it, wasn’t he? I steeled myself, waiting for the blow I would receive.
“Have you talked to Ava?”
“Uh, no, Sir.”
I could tell Ava I wanted to dick her down, but someone’s murder was too much, and now she wanted me gone.
“She’s been at the sorority house for the last few days. Barely came home today, and it looks like she hadn’t slept a wink.” Mr. Hayes scratched the back of his head, looking uncomfortable.
Good.
“She won’t talk to me, but maybe she will talk to you?”
Wait, what? He wasn’t firing me?
“You want me to go talk to Ava?” I couldn’t help but repeat.
“I just don’t want her to be alone in the house,” he admitted.
“Okay, I can do that,” I told him.
I left the auto shop and took out my phone to text Micah. If Ava was withdrawing, I didn’t think I was the right person to help her get out of her funk.
Me:
Mr. Hayes told me to talk to Ava
Micah:
What happened? Is she okay? Why did he ask you?
That last bit hurt.
Me:
Because I was at work and closest to his house. Idk but I’m on my way
Micah:
Should I go? I’m the one closest to her
Me:
Sure
I put my phone away before I felt more useless.
Since Mr. Hayes told me to go over, I assumed he had left the door unlocked for me, which he had. It was stupid because there was a killer on the loose. Then again, no one had any idea of the shit that was drowning us.
I locked the front door but left the back unlocked, then let Micah know. It was better than having the front door wide open.
Taking two steps at a time, I made my way upstairs.
Ava’s door was ajar, and no noise could be heard. Maybe she had finally managed to get some sleep?
“Ava,” I called out so I wouldn’t freak her out. “It’s me, Cruz.”
I pushed the door open and stepped into her room. She was lying in bed, her hair fanned out all over the pillows. She was in an oversized auto shop T-shirt and fuzzy socks. Her body didn’t move, but her gaze did follow me inside. Ava didn’t speak, didn’t crack a smile…she looked catatonic.
“Princess,” I whispered as I sat down next to where she was lying. I tentatively reached out and cupped her cheek. “Talk to me.”
Her eyes met mine, and she didn’t say anything. Her blue eyes began to water, and I saw how she furiously blinked away the moisture.
Knowing she probably needed some time to find her words, I played with her hair, silently letting her know that I was there for her. She wasn’t alone in this. But that was the thing about death, wasn’t it? She was one hell of a lonely bitch.
Ever since the murder, time seemed to stand still and pass by fast all at once. It could have been seconds, maybe minutes, or hours that I had been here in Ava’s room. There was nothing but silence. I passed the time by counting Ava’s breaths and the number of times she blinked.
The moment I saw her mouth begin to move, I stilled, knowing she had finally gathered her thoughts and was ready to speak.
“It was supposed to be me,” she whispered hoarsely.
Maybe the rasp in her voice was due to a lack of usage, or she had been crying more than she let on, but one thing was clear: it was not wise for Ava to be alone, especially if guilt was weighing her down.
“Princess.” I leaned down to cup her cheeks.
“You know it too, don’t you?”
Her stare sent chills down my body. The specks of life and vibrancy in her eyes were gone.
“You can’t think like that, princess,” I murmured against her cold skin.
Since she didn’t tell me to fuck off, I kept doing it.
I pressed kisses all over her face. I had yet to taste her lips how I wanted, but I didn’t think this was the time to do so.
“Don’t take someone else’s sin and claim it as your own, Ava.
That’s one cross you do not want to bear.
It’s going to be okay,” I promised between kisses.
“Cruz,” she whimpered, her eyes watering again. “I feel so cold. So numb.” Her arms wrapped around me, pulling me tighter against her. “Help me feel something.”
This time, she kissed me. Her lips pressed against mine, sure and steady, even if they missed that vibrancy of life that made Ava unique. Each kiss grew deeper, sloppier, and more frantic.
Ava spread her legs while simultaneously pulling me over her. Maybe I had been as lonely as she had been because I finally felt warm with her body under mine.
“More,” she urged when my hips made contact with her warm center through our clothes.
“Princess,” I groaned as her hands moved down my back, and she held on to my ass so she could push me deeper into her. “We shouldn’t,” I hissed.
“Please,” she cried out.
It was the need in her voice and the spark of life that was in her gaze that made me keep going. Fuck it—maybe this was what we both needed.
“You sure?” I asked between gritted teeth.
“I need you right now.”
Those words undid me. No one had ever needed me before, and it filled me with satisfaction to know that there was something I could do right now to make things better for Ava.