13. Crimson
crimson
. . .
When I left earlier today, I knew I wasn’t coming back.
At least not right away. I didn’t lie to Jahsir, I just didn’t tell the truth, I guess.
I didn’t make a big deal out of it either.
I just folded up what I needed: clothes I could breathe in, my toothbrush and mouthwash, and hid some essentials for Scarlett.
When I walked out, I said, "See you later.” That was it.
I wasn’t running from our relationship. I loved Jah, I still do, but something didn’t sit right with me anymore.
Him paying off Scarlett’s daycare felt like he was bracing for impact, and I could feel it in my bones.
I had gotten too comfortable with him being back home; so comfortable, I forgot the agonizing pain his absence put me through.
And him paying off Scarlett’s bill was a reminder that the other shoe could still drop.
I just needed to be somewhere I could think without his love blinding me, clouding my thoughts.
I needed to figure out how to protect myself and my daughter.
And I couldn’t do that in his place. Jahsir surrounded me with love and comfort.
And when he did that, it was easy to forget that our whole life could blow up at any moment because of the life he lives.
That kind of delusion is a trap on its own.
I showed up at Ms. Jemma and Zahara’s without much of a plan, just Scarlett on my hip and a tired look on my face.
Before I could even knock good, Scarlett was wiggling like crazy, trying to throw herself into Ms. Jemma’s arms. She basically said forget me.
It’s crazy how much she took to them. Effortless, like she’s known them forever.
And really, she has. Ms. Jemma treats me more like family than Auntie Ruby ever did, and Scarlett feels that.
That’s probably why she loves her so much.
My big girl had really grown. I first noticed it after I pulled myself out of my PTSD haze.
She was refusing naps, eating solids, and her little personality was coming through.
Physically, she changed too. She wasn’t just longer, but fuller.
I barely bothered with her car seat now because carrying it felt like hauling around three bowling balls.
Scarlett settled into herself. She was more active.
I used to be able to sit her down and eat or relax.
Now I was watching her from the couch, sitting in her booster at the table, swinging her feet while Ms. Jemma fed her shrimp and grits like it was some five-star meal.
Poor baby didn’t even have teeth yet, but one thing about Scarlett, she wasn’t turning down food.
Wonder where she got that from , I smiled to myself.
I fixed myself a bowl, too. Jahsir had called once, but I ignored it. It was still early, so he probably didn’t realize he was being ignored yet. Time went on slowly but surely. I just throughout the day, watching Zahara enjoy Scarlett and sketching on my pad.
“Crim, it’s getting late. Are you and the baby getting ready to head back?” Zahara asked.
Scarlett was content, smacking a wooden spoon against her leg.
I looked down at her, then shifted in my seat, crossing my legs.
I’d been dodging this conversation all day, but it was sitting heavy on me now.
Yeah, Zahara and I were best friends, but when it came to her brother, I always hesitated.
Even when I had an issue, I tried to tread lightly.
That was her blood. I didn’t want anything to come between them. Or between us.
“Um, I’m tired,” I said, avoiding her eyes. “Maybe I’ll just stay here for a day… or two.”
“Hmm, tired, huh? Would that have anything to do with my brother blowing your phone up and you refusing to answer?”
“You’re nosy,” I pouted. Scarlett squealed from the corner and put the spoon in her mouth. “I just don’t want to talk to Jah right now. I can get a hotel if it’s a problem.”
“Girl, you get a hotel, and Jahsir will kill both me and you. Just stay here. But two days is wild. Please, just let him know you’re good. You can go back to ignoring him afterwards, and we’ll sort it out.”
“I’m not sure we can.” I rubbed my hand over my knee, trying to calm the restless tapping of my foot.
I never had anxiety symptoms before; I was just an overthinker.
But now, when I felt out of control, my body did things I couldn’t control.
“Zahara, you know I try to stay out of his mess. I love him, so I never judge how he makes his money. But he’s not being real with me. And I don’t like that.”
“What do you think he’s doing?”
“It’s complicated.” I let out a slow breath. “It’s not even about what he’s doing. I know who my man is. The problem is something’s going on, and he’s not telling me. And I can feel it might put him at risk of disappearing again.”
Scarlett crawled over to the couch and started pulling herself up, wobbling on her little legs. I reached out and steadied her without thinking, my hand settling on her back as I looked at Zahara.
“You were there, Zahara. You sat with me through the worst of it. You wiped every tear I cried over him. You really want to do that again? Because I swear, I feel like that’s where we’re headed.”
“But how did we get here? Why is this bothering you now?”
“He’s paying things off. Scarlett’s daycare. The taxes on the boutique.”
“Jahsir is a provider, Crim. That’s nothing new.”
“Maybe I’m doing too much Z. You can tell me. I mean, I literally crashed out in Monaco. And I don’t even like that word, but that's what I did.”
“Oh nooo Crim, what did you do?”
“Steady bringing up old stuff. Mad that I was stuck in my head for four years while he chose to live his life. That ain't nobody's fault but mine.”
“Yeah, well at the same time you have a right to feel a way. Niggas is stupid like that. Why would he show off, taking you to his getaway. Dumb ass!”
We both laughed, then my smile faded as I looked down at Scarlett, now babbling and pressing her drool-covered hands on my thigh.
“You know something?” I said quietly. “She lights up when he walks in. If he doesn’t pick her up fast enough, she goes into a full-blown cry. He’s a part of her life now.”
I picked her up and rested her on my lap. She curled into me as I rocked her side to side. “If he leaves again, I’ll have to hold it together. Not just for me. For her, too.”
Zahara looked at me but said nothing. Sometimes I wondered if people still thought I was spiraling from the bank robbery. But this wasn’t anxiety. This wasn’t overthinking. This was real life; a life I’d already lived once, and I was about to live it again.
“So, I just need a day or two. Okay? I’ll check in with him, so don’t worry.”
“Okay, bestie,” she smiled.
After dinner and a hot shower, I finally got a moment to myself and I settled into Jahsir’s old room.
A flood of memories hit me as I sat on his bed.
The mattress still dipped the same on one side.
Still squeaky. I laughed, thinking about sneaking around with him.
We tried to be quiet, but that mattress was a dead giveaway every time.
I shuddered, thinking about how I used to act as a teen. I’d be damned if Scarlett pulled the same stunts. She was fast asleep, so I got up and started looking around. His closet was packed with shoeboxes and worn jerseys. A box labeled “clutter” sat on the floor, and I went through it.
Jahsir was such a lame. Old movie tickets, a baseball glove, and a signed bat.
He definitely had a complex back then, caught between who his mother wanted him to be and who he really was.
Ms. Jemma did everything she could to keep him away from his father’s side of the family, but he still found ways to sneak off with them.
He was an artsy nerd by day and a street hustla by night.
Before we knew it, street life took over.
I reached past the sports stuff and saw it.
That caricature we got drawn at the carnival six years ago.
Still in the plastic sleeve the artist gave us.
My eyes and lips were exaggerated. So was his hair.
But I loved it. That whole day was one of the best of my life.
We spent the entire day at the Calhoun Heights Carnival. Later that night, he became my first.
And then I saw my girl, Mrs. Truffle Butter.
“Mrs. Truffle Butter,” I squealed, picking up the stuffed rhino he won for me. I gave her a sniff and she still smelled like Juniper Breeze and Love Spell.
I sprayed her with both my favorite scents and dared Jah to keep her in his room.
Told him if any girl came through, she’d know he belonged to somebody.
I was crazy about Jah. Still am. And that’s what makes all of this feel so heavy now.
I took another whiff of Mrs. Truffle Butter and brought her to the bed with me.
Sighing, I sent him a text. I wasn’t ready for a fight, so I tried to avoid one.
Me: I’m not coming home tonight. Scarlett and I are safe.
Jah Bae: Where are you? I'm coming to get you.
Me: No you’re not. I need time to think. Please just respect and understand that.
Jah Bae: Am I missing something? What’s the problem?
Me: Whatever the problem is, space is the solution. Scarlett and I are safe. We’re good. I don’t need you to pick her up from daycare or anything. Just give me a couple days.
He never responded. Which meant he was pissed. I cared, but at the same time, I didn’t. I just needed to think. He’d have to deal with that.