Chapter 62
The sky is clearing up at the same time of night that it always does.
I look up to see the first stars peeking out from behind the clouds.
The string lights twinkle, and the familiar sounds of a Mercy Island night ring in my ears louder, and more pleasantly, than ever before.
Inside, Sammie and Matt appear to still be alternating wildly between crying and laughing.
I see them clink their wineglasses together for something.
A moment later I hear the screen door slide open, and know before I see him that it’s Austin.
My heart pounds. “Okay. Let’s talk.”
Austin gives a tight smile and looks up at the same stretch of sky I was just focused on. I can tell that he’s feeling nervous.
“I … I guess I just want to explain my side. Look, thing is, I’d been out there in the desert for a while. Aliana was a great girl. She was smart, beautiful, everyone loved her.”
“Loving how this conversation is going so far,” I quip.
“Stick with me,” he says. “Nothing is wrong with this girl. But I was struggling to put a label on it. Which was driving me crazy, because I don’t want to be that guy, the guy who strings someone along because he’s scared of the word girlfriend.
I wasn’t that guy, I’d never been that guy.
Think about us, Red, did I ever struggle to commit to you? ”
“Um. Yes?”
“Besides the end. And besides Texas. How about every summer you came to Mercy? Did I ever hesitate?”
“No.”
“I looked forward to you coming every year, even when I was sure that one day you’d come back and have a boyfriend. And then you did. I had to keep my eyes off you.”
“Neither of us kept in touch when I wasn’t here.”
“Sometimes I felt like you didn’t want to bring your ol’ summer boyfriend home with you.
But this isn’t about that. Point is, I never had trouble committing to you.
Over and over. And years later, I was struggling to do it.
So when she asked if I was seeing other people, asked if I wanted to be dating around, I told her the truth, which was … I didn’t.”
“Okay…”
“Then we were together. And it didn’t feel different than it had before we made it official. I thought I was doing the right thing. Trying to get past those clichéd commitment issues. And then one night, I was catching up with your mom.”
I squirm a little.
“And she said how great you were doing, said you had some job at a fancy place in New York. I was so happy for you. And again, I felt like the hometown boy from your past that … that of course you went on to do big things. And of course I didn’t.”
“That’s not true, your face was on billboards, you were on the screens at Times Square. On way too many dorm room walls when I was in college.”
“For about fifteen minutes, yeah,” he says, darkly. “But it’s fine, I didn’t need the fame, it’s not about that. It’s about the fact that I was so happy for you. And because I’m selfish and stupid, I got off the phone with her and I called you. I shouldn’t have. I should have let you be.”
“You’re suggesting that by even calling me, you’d turn my life upside down?”
He smirks. “Did it?”
“That was a coincidence.”
“It’s not that I thought I would turn your life upside down. I thought we’d turn each other’s lives upside down. And, shit, Didion, I didn’t even know what my life was. I still don’t.”
“The desert with beautiful, perfect, everyone-loves-her Aliana?”
“Yeah, well. It never felt like the beach with beautiful, imperfect, most-people-love-her Didion Bennett.”
I narrow my eyes at his teasing jab. “Uh-huh. First love is different, that’s all.” I try to sound like I believe it.
“It is.”
When he’s silent, I turn back to him and stare into his beautiful green eyes that I now see are rimmed with pink.
“So what are you…” I ask.
“I lied to her. Well, I white-lied. Told her a friend was coming into town. Just didn’t tell her who.
And then I drove two towns over and spent the week with you.
I was on air that whole time, Red. I felt so complete with you there.
I kept having these little fantasies about what it would be like if that was our life, you know? ”
I do know. I really, really do. “Mm.”
“Getting Birdie, even. I wanted to play house with you. But then—” He rubs his face and says, “Someone texted Aliana saying they saw me in town and that I had a puppy. She knew I was hanging out with an old friend, and I may have described you more as being like a sister than, uh … than you were. I told her I got a dog, told her I was coming back. I felt like shit. I’d cheated on her and I didn’t even hide it well.
It’s about the shittiest thing I’ve ever done.
There’s no excuse for it. I was just all fucked up.
I never thought you’d come, and then you said you would, and I still didn’t believe you’d show up.
I drove three hours to that airport thinking there was no way I’d see you.
And fool that I was, I thought if I did, I could just be friends with you.
But that went to shit the second I saw that fiery hair of yours. ”
He moves a piece of it off my face and puts it behind my ear.
“I had myself convinced we could do it as friends too,” I confess. “That wasn’t going to happen. Soon as I saw those abs.”
He lets out a little laugh, and I do too. Of course it wasn’t the abs. It was his eyes. It was his smell. It was his hair, it was the solidity of him, the realness of him. It was him.
“Soon as I drove you back into Midland, it started hitting me what I’d done. And then you started talking about wanting to give up everything in New York. You weren’t being … you know … super clear, but that’s what it sounded like.”
I nod. “Yeah. That’s what I meant.”
“I felt like such an asshole. I’d never done anything like what I did to Aliana.
And then you were talking about giving up this once-in-a-lifetime experience—if there’s anyone who knows what it feels like to lose it all, it’s me.
I couldn’t have you do that for me. Especially when I had just learned the depths of what a dickhead I could be. ”
My chest is shaky. I’m getting the answers I’ve wanted for so long. I’d always thought they’d make me feel guiltier or angrier. But instead, I feel … better.
I could be pissed about the infidelity, kick up a fit about the principle of it. But fuck. I get it. I know he’s not that guy any more than I am all the jerks I’ve been along the way.
“Right,” I say. “Well, like I said. We can let it go. I understand. And you’re not a dickhead. I think everyone gets messy somewhere along the line like that. Felix comes to mind.”
He laughs. “Felix. That guy had it coming.”
I punch him in the arm. “He was nice!”
“Yeah, so was Aliana.”
“God. Did she ever find out?”
“I told her. I had to, I’d been so clumsy, she’d find out eventually, and I didn’t want to embarrass her. Further anyway.”
“How did she react?”
Austin shakes his head. “Like a saint. She already knew all about you. I’d told her. Talked about you more than I realized. She was—” He laughs. “She was actually rooting for us, she said.”
“Wow. She really does sound like a nice person.”
“She is. And she’s happy these days. Met another great woman, they opened up a little coffee shop, baby on the way.”
“Everyone with their babies,” I say.
It’s funny. I had built her up to be something different in my head for all these years. Some cocky, hot girl with Austin wrapped around her finger. But like I was coming to discover, people are more than what you think of them.
“The thing is, Didion, I still don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I’m still figuring out what I am without being one of the tennis greats. If I’m not Killjoy.” He gives an embarrassed laugh, even though it’s a name the world gave him. “And I’m still selfish.”
“You’re not.”
“I am.” He turns to me. “Because I still want to disrupt your life.”