Chapter 28
TWENTY-EIGHT
“Y ou know there was nothing we could’ve done, right?” Kai flicks ash from his cigarette, the grey flakes floating into the air. I wish my thoughts would do the same; just sail off into the sky, never to be seen again.
I watch my second rub his thumb across his bottom lip as we walk side by side through the garden of the Federovs’ estate. It looks particularly ethereal at this time of year, when the morning dew has frozen on the blades of grass, crystalizing and glittering like every strand is coated in diamonds. Mornings like this, I can easily find myself mesmerized by the delicacies of nature. There’s just something so captivating about the simple shift of seasons, the way it affects ecosystems, elements, environments.
Not today, though. I haven’t slept all night, and exhaustion is plaguing me. As much as I wish I could have turned the switch off in my head and closed my eyes, I couldn’t. All I’ve been able to think about is Alvaro’s last words to me. “We’re fucking done. You’re fucking done.”
I don’t even know what he means, but I’ve been stewing in my own guilt, trying to decide whether there was anything else I could’ve done to prevent last night from happening in the first place. I stared at my four walls until my eyes blurred, but still, sleep didn’t consume me. I guess that’s what I get for betraying not only Varo but the Federovs, too.
Even though Kai’s right, I can’t describe the feeling that overwhelms me. It’s a blend of anger and regret, shame ricocheting through me. Last night, we watched from the other side of the road as cops raided the warehouse, cars screeching in a bid to escape arrest. It was chaos at its finest, and I suspect that encompasses Prescott’s personality completely, because there was absolutely no strategy to what happened.
Though the gravity of the situation still weighs heavily, telling Kai about Varo and me has taken a little bit of the burden off. He hasn’t said much about it really—which is a relief—but there’s something more sinister that has captured his attention, and I want to know what it is.
“Why did you come last night?” I ask, turning my attention to my second. Our feet crunch over the frozen lawns, our steps making prints that’ll soon disappear. I still haven’t worked out why my second hasn’t ratted me out to our boss, but I’ve learned to believe that every action has a consequence, and every favor turns into a debt. Nobody can be trusted, not even me.
“What do you mean?” He frowns at the ground like I’ve just spoken a different language.
“I mean, I told you about Bonanno and you had the chance to go to the Federovs. Why didn’t you?”
Kai shrugs, pocketing one hand while he flicks his thumbnail over the signet ring on his middle finger. He sucks on his cigarette in thought. “ I wanted to know what was happening, why you were in a rush to leave.”
“Well…” I exhale loudly. “Now you know.”
Kai pauses next to me, his free hand wrapping around my arm to stop me. His dark eyes soften, the same way they did last night. “I meant what I said, Milo. I won’t tell them. You’re my family. Blood or not, brothers protect one another.”
I look down at where his hand is and he instantly pulls away. Deep down, I want to trust him. I really do. But I’ve known this world long enough to see that people always have ulterior motives. They’ll use whatever they can against you. You don’t have to look very far to see that even the Federovs have weaponized secrets for their own benefit. Malakai is a prime example of that.
“What’s in it for you?” I grumble.
“Nothing.” Kai shakes his head, stomping his smoke on the ground. “I know shit with the Federovs can be… intense. Who am I to judge who you fuck?”
“It’s not just that and you know it.”
He nods slowly. I think he understands what I’m not saying. The fact I was willing to betray my own family for the enemy doesn’t bode well for me, and he could’ve taken advantage of that. So far, he hasn’t done anything to make me question where his loyalty stands, but after last night I think it’s safe to say we’ve both exposed our intentions. I still don't know why Kai really came with me last night, or why he’s so willing to keep my secret, but I’m conscious it’s not all for my benefit.
We continue our walk in silence, listening to the wind whistle through the bare branches that line the pathway. Every now and then, I glance at my second, noticing the worry etched in his features. Not just worry, but deep concern. Though I know it’s not for the same reasons as me, I don’t push to ask. Secrets are there for a reason, and I have no business digging for answers.
We’re rounding the corner on our way back to the house, nothing but the frigid breeze burning my eyes, when my phone rings. Kai and I both halt, glancing at one another as I pull it out.
“It’s him,” I say under my breath, relief flooding through me. My heart rate picks up as I stare at the screen. I know he said we were done, but this has to mean something if he’s calling me. Maybe he’s regretting what he said, or maybe he wants to talk about what happened last night. I try not to read into it—overthinking doesn’t get you anywhere, especially when it comes to Varo. He’s a straight talker and he deserves the same respect. Taking a deep breath, I hit the green button. “Vee?”
“How did you know?” His voice is sharp, piercing my very soul with his accusatory tone.
My eyes lift to Kai warily. He said he wouldn’t say anything, but I still don’t completely trust him. Thankfully, I don’t have to say anything because my face says enough.
With a nod, he makes his way back to the house, the back door signalling his absence.
“Vee, I?—”
“Fuck,” he sneers. I don’t have to see him to feel the disgust he’s projecting. His voice alone makes me shiver, and not in the good way that I usually get off on.
“I only found out it was happening at the last minute,” I reply honestly. Though I doubt it’ll do much to salvage what’s left between us, it’s a start.
“But you knew.”
I lean back against the wall, my feet shuffling along the paved stones as I try to think how to answer that. Of course I knew it would happen, this has been the plan all along, and this specific attempt to take out the key players has been in the making for weeks.
The bushes rustle in front of me, my attention stolen briefly as I think about the consequences of me even having this conversation. If someone overheard me, that would be the end. The end of five years of hard work. The end of my story. The end of me and Alvaro.
“Milo!” Varo barks, and I snap my attention back to his authoritative voice. “You wanted to talk, so fucking talk! You knew they were coming after us. You knew what they were planning. Genovese, I can understand, but Alanis? That’s a low blow, even for you.”
“I’m so sorry, Vee.” I close my eyes, hating how the next words taste, but it’s the truth. “It was out of my control.”
“You said I could trust you when it came to her.”
“I know.”
“Genovese, I don’t give two shits about right now, but my sister was innocent in all of this!”
“I know. I tried to tell you, Vee. I promise I tried!” If anyone was to walk around the corner right now, I’d be a dead man. In fact, I’m fucking counting on it, because nothing feels as shitty as this moment.
“When?!” Varo snaps.
“Huh?”
“When did you try to tell me?”
Bushes rustle as the wind picks up, my shoulders bunching under the cold tone of Varo’s voice and the winter that is setting in.
“I was calling you all night, Vee. I messaged you telling you to stay away from the fight night.”
A long pause follows my words. It’s so long that I have to check my phone hasn’t disconnected from the call. But Varo is still on the phone, the silence becoming unbearable the longer it stretches on for.
“An ominous text without any context. That’s hardly a fucking warning, Kyrovsky.”
I release a breath, sinking against the brick wall. “Vee…I?—”
Footsteps in the distance cut me off, and I listen carefully as the sound of the front door closing confirms I’m not alone. I shouldn’t be having this conversation, not here, not ever. But I feel a profound sense of loyalty to Varo now, like I owe him for this. I fucked up, and I need to make shit right.
Glancing round the corner, I see Vadim with one of the soldiers pacing across the courtyard to their car. I lean against the wall again, lowering my voice. “Can we do this face to face?”
“No, Kyrovsky. You had your fucking chance.”
The fuck?
My fists clench and my frustration boils over. I know I fucked up, and I know he’s pissed, but he’s seriously not giving me any fucking wiggle room to make this right.
“When, Vee?” I whisper-shout. “When the fuck did I have the chance to speak to you when you’re avoiding me? You disappeared last weekend, you didn’t answer my calls or messages all week, so tell me when you were going to give me the chance to talk?”
There’s a huff on the end of the phone, realization sinking in when I think about everything that’s happened tonight. I’m torn between my self preservation and guilt. Preservation, because as bad as I feel, it’s not entirely my fault and I’m trying to redeem myself. Guilt, because deep down I don’t feel like I did enough to warn Alvaro. And worse than that, I made a promise that Alanis wouldn’t be caught up in our shit. I don’t know what it’s like to have a sibling, but I can tell by his reaction how hard it is on him.
Rubbing my hand down my face, I try to wipe away the exhaustion of the night. “Is she okay?”
There’s a long pause that tugs at my chest, like a string wanting to pull me through the phone. After a beat, a calm seems to settle over us as Varo huffs. I can just imagine him stretching his toned arms out, his abs contracting as he finally takes a deep breath. “Yeah,” he sighs. “She’s a bit shaken up, but at least she’s home now.”
My shoulders sag at his words, muscles unrolling like all I needed to hear was that she’s home. She’s safe.
“What about Genovese?” I ask sheepishly, toeing a pebble that lies dormant on the ground.
“Still at the precinct,” he yawns. My stomach does a flip at the sound, stirring something that felt hollow at the beginning of this phone call. I don’t know where he is, but I can’t help imagining that he’s laying in bed, covers slung over his waist.
Fuck, what I wouldn’t do to be there right now. I know my mind shouldn’t go there, but I can’t control where it goes when it comes to Varo. To distract myself and the impending hard on that’s promising to make an appearance, I turn and make my way to the back door of the house.
“Is there anything I can do?”
I don’t get a response, which I guess is to be expected. So, I try something else. “Can I see you?”
“No, I…”
My stomach drops and my lungs deflate. I can feel every part of my body start to respond to that rejection, like a punch to the gut slowly spreading pain around my body. That damn string has just been snipped, and the one thing that was tethering me to Varo is nothing more than a frayed thread.
“She doesn’t want to be alone, and I can’t have you here.”
Hope fills my chest slightly. It’s not exactly a yes, but it’s not a no, either. “I understand, but?—”
“I meant what I said, Milo. We’re done.” His words are filled with anger, the hint of my betrayal slicing through every syllable. They’re like a knife cutting through my intestines. I wish I had the words to tell him how sorry I am. I wish I could take back what happened, or have given him a better warning. I wish I had been open and honest, told him from the start about what the Federovs were planning, but I know that nothing I say now can convince him that he’s slowly becoming a priority for me.
It wouldn’t matter if I did, anyway, because after just a few seconds of silence, the line goes dead. I’m left with nothing but the silence of the garden as it slowly rises with the morning.
Nothing but my own thoughts.
Nothing but my own guilt and regret.
Nothing but my own secrets.