what a lovely day for an exorcism
Lilith & Jordan
Jordan’s growing distant. I’ve felt it, that gulf expanding between us, our bodies, ever since he spoke to her. Our host.
Cara. So disrespectful of her, getting between us.
That was days ago. We haven’t seen him since.
I’ve been trying to give him space. That’s what he wants, isn’t it? An opportunity to figure out what he’s looking for? What
he wants?
So I’ve simply been slipping from body to body, never settling for long. My grip is tenuous, at best. I can’t harbor myself
inside forever. That takes a level of commitment I don’t have right now. Not for any of these vessels. They mean nothing to
me. If I wish to linger for long, truly take root and possess our vessel, there needs to be a bond between us.
A pact. That requires acceptance. Willingness. We need to reach an agreement. The vessel must shelter us. Open themselves, fully
and completely. A consensual possession.
Doesn’t Jordan understand that? Why can’t he just let me in?
We’re losing him. He’s slipping out from our grip. How can we get him back?
A gift. An offering.
That’s it. He’s so focused on the flesh, who we are on the outside . . . we just need to present ourselves inside the skin
of someone he knows. Someone he’s loved in the past.
A familiar face.
If this body is the package and its skin is the giftwrap, then I must be the present nestled inside.
We can’t wait for him to unwrap us.
“. . . Hello?” The atmosphere is off. I sense it the second I step into my apartment. There’s an odd density to the air. It’s
thickened itself. I can feel it on my skin, the pressure.
Someone else is here. “Lilith, is that you—?”
I cut myself off.
It’s Jenn. Beaming. She’s sitting on the couch, arms outstretched, fanning back and forth, hands sweeping across the cushions
at either side of her. She’s in my apartment.
I never gave her a key. She never came over. Too much of a mess, she said ages ago, and yet, here she is, sprawled out in my living room like she’s been waiting for me.
When’s the last time we talked? I can’t even remember. “What are you doing here?”
That grin slips, just a fraction of flesh dripping. “You don’t recognize me?”
“Jenn, what’s going on—”
The grin isn’t Jenn’s, even if it is her lips. “We wanted to surprise you.”
That’s when it hits. A ton of bricks. Right in the chest.
“We talked about this.”
“You don’t like?” Jenn—Lilith, it’s Lilith—stands and slowly walks across the room. She’s near enough to share the same air now. “We thought this might make you happy.”
“You possessed my ex because you thought I’d be happy about it?”
“You don’t want this?” She halts, hesitates before leaning in. “Want me?”
I could kiss her. A part of me wants to.
A lot of me wants to. I hear her breath catch in her throat, that ecstatic gasp. I want to force her against the wall. Kiss
her neck. Wrap my hands around her throat and . . .
And . . .
It’s not her. It’s not Jenn. It’s Lilith. She’s hiding inside her, wearing her body, donning this costume from my former life, the Ghost of Girlfriends
Past haunting me.
But—wait. I never told Lilith about Jenn. “How do you know about her?”
Lilith hesitates. “What do you mean?”
“How would you know . . .”
Jordan’s eyes tighten, sharpening themselves. “You went inside me, didn’t you?”
There’s no use hiding it. “Yes.”
“So you lied to me.”
“It wasn’t long.”
“What? Just a peek? Jesus, this isn’t checking my search history! You went inside me and then you lied about it! You promised!”
“No—you made us promise.”
“That’s a fucking invasion of privacy.” His expression sours. There is something so awful about his face. The rage within
it, rising up. Contorting. “I don’t want this. Any of this.”
“What do you want, Jordan? Do you even know? We’ve been trying to figure it out.”
“You.”
“We need a host,” we say. “Why not her? Why not someone you’ve had feelings for?”
“It complicates things.”
“Everything is so complicated with you! Why can’t you just let go? For once, just let your guard down. Do what you want instead of hiding behind this flimsy wall of morality.”
“That’s not who I am.”
“You don’t even know what you are! What you can be! We’ve tried showing you, telling you, but you. Won’t. Listen.”
“You’re trying to make me something I’m not.”
“We’re trying to help you.”
“You’re trying to possess me!” The air leaves the room. It’s so suffocating in here now. Even we can feel it, the coagulated
atmosphere. It makes us choke.
“Quit being so virtuous,” we say. “Stop trying to be something you’re not.”
“Then stop trying to fit me into some fucking mold. You’re so hell-bent on making me into something I’m not. I’m just another
piece of meat to you. You’re so fucking possessive.”
“Is that what you think?”
“Sometimes, yeah.”
“Then open up to us,” we say. “Let me in. We’ll show you what we really are.”
Jordan takes a sharp breath, trying to calm himself down. Choose his words carefully. “There’s always a third person in the
middle of us and they’re not a part of . . . this. There’s always this barrier between us. Somebody else. You can’t keep moving
around. The moment, the fucking second, things get uncomfortable, you bail. Just hop on to some other body like it’s no fucking
big deal. It’s easier for you to drift because you’re too afraid to stay.”
“Do you know what it does to us? The toll it takes? How much it hurts?”
“How am I supposed to know if you don’t tell me?”
“Because you won’t listen,” we shout. “You’re always more focused on who we are on the outside, that we can’t tell you what’s happening to us on the inside . . .”
“That’s just an excuse. You’re the one who’s afraid of commitment.”
“Afraid?”
“Yes! You’re afraid to show me who you are. I’m trying to find you. See you.”
“But it is me,” Jenn—
Lilith, it’s Lilith
—says. I hear the need, the desire, even if it’s Jenn’s voice. She reaches her hand out to me, her fingers grazing my face.
“Can’t you feel me? See me? What do you see?”
It’s Jenn. Her body, her face. I’ve stared into those eyes I don’t know how many times—and these aren’t hers. A stranger’s
face now. The features are the same, but unfamiliar.
Those aren’t her eyes. I’m looking at someone I don’t recognize anymore.
It’s not her, not her at all.
I reel my head back and step away. “Get out of her. Now.”
Whatever hurt expression Jenn wears curdles. “Excuse me?”
“She didn’t ask for this.”
“Do you know much you hurt her? How you broke her heart? We do. We know all—”
“Stop.”
Jenn—
Lilith
—takes another step toward us, pushing me further back, until my shoulders butt up against the wall. She doesn’t stop, drawing
herself in until there’s no space.
“Does this feel wrong?” She leans in, challenging me. Threatening me.
“Stop.”
“What if I like this skin? Maybe I’ll stay.”
“Get out of her.”
“Are you going to force us out?”
“Lilith . . .”
“Make us leave, Jordan. Force us out. Exorcise us.”
“Don’t.”
“Cast us out, Jordan. Go on. See if you can do it.”
“You want to fuck around? Fine.” I grab her by the shoulders and spin her around. Now it’s her back against the wall. “I cast thee out. There. Satisfied?”
“No—you need to mean it, Jordan. Believe it. Have some faith.”
I take my hands and press the palms flat against the wall beside her head, effectively pinning her in place, fencing her in
between my arms. “Get out of her.”
“Getting warmer . . .”
“Get the fuck out!”
“You come out first.” She doesn’t move, her lips so close to mine.
She’s there.
“Show me what you are, Jordan.”
Right there.
“What you really are.”
There.
“I want to see what you’re—”
I bring my fist up and strike the wall just next to her, inches away from her face. The plaster cracks with this percussive
crumble. Maybe it’s just my knuckles.
I don’t move my hand, letting my fist linger next to her head. The hammer of it. Lilith glances at my arm, then back at me.
It’s Jenn’s eyes that widen themselves, taking me in.
“Is this what you want?” There are only inches between us, our lips. I could kiss her right now if I wanted to. If I wanted
to.
Or strangle her.
Lilith only grins. “Getting warmer.”
I strike the wall again. Same hand as before. Harder this time. The dull thud of knuckles against Sheetrock reverberates through
my arm. What am I doing? What is this?
“Is this what you want?”
Lilith doesn’t flinch. “Warmer.”
I hit again. The wall gives, collapsing.
Lilith doesn’t move. “Hotter.”
I hit again. There’s blood on my knuckles now. Blood on the wall. I see the red smear in the dent left behind, the fracture
in the plaster looking like what I imagine a crushed skull might resemble after shattering it with a hammer.
“Hottest.” Lilith’s delirious grin sears into me. I want to wipe that smile off her face. Obliterate her lips. Swipe the life
right out of—
“No,” I shout, pushing away from the wall. The air stirs between us.
Jenn slides away from the crater in the wall next to her. The absence of her body feels so sudden, so abrupt, I can’t help
but think of a Band-Aid yanked off. There’s the slightest ripple across her skin, cheeks fluctuating as if there’s something
passing below the surface of her face.
Lilith’s eyes tighten, panting. I see teeth. “There’s the Jordan I know . . .”
“That’s not . . . that’s not me.”
“Sure about that?”
His face crumbles, practically collapses in on itself. Poor Jordan. All that anger, that darkness, with nowhere to go. We
can show him what to do with it. How to channel it.
“I’m not . . . not . . . that’s not me . . .”
“It is,” we say. “That is exactly who you are, Jordan. Know how we know?”
Jordan doesn’t respond.
“You have no soul, Jordan.”
“No . . .”
“That void? That emptiness you always feel inside you? That darkness that keeps on calling . . . Where do you think that comes
from? It’s because there’s nothing. No morality. Just these scraps of humanity, all singed around the edges, flaking away
from the hellfire.”
“You’re lying.”
“You know it’s true, don’t you? Deep down, I know you feel it . . . You’ve felt it all along, but you’re just too afraid to
admit it to yourself. You’re soulless, Jordan. So empty.”
“Fuck you.”
“You’re so desperate for salvation—for some kind of absolution—because you still believe there’s a chance at . . . what, exactly? To be good? To get your wings? A halo up top?”
“This isn’t me. This isn’t who I am.”
“Instead of begging for forgiveness, Jordan, claim yourself. Own it. Your darkness.”
“Get the fuck away from me.”
“Let me fill in that emptiness. Let me flood you. We could be so good together.”
“Stay the fuck away from me!” He pushes us back. Harder this time.
Our body hits the wall behind us.
“You think you know me? You think you understand me? You don’t know the first fucking thing about me.”
“Leave her out of this,” I say. “I want you out of Jenn’s body right now.”
“Make us.” What a spoiled little brat she is. Fucking demon.
“I said get out.”
“I like this body,” she says. “I’m staying. And there’s nothing you can do about it.”
“Get out of her. Right fucking now.”
“You can’t get rid of meeeee,” Lilith starts laughing. Laughing at me.
“Get the fuck out!”
“No!” There is anger slithering within her skin. I can feel it seethe.
Jenn’s spine curves in the opposite direction, away from the rest of her body, almost as if there are two conflicting forces in one body.
Her legs bend back, sending the rest of herself toward the floor.
Her shoulders nearly touch the ground. Her hands plant themselves behind her, halting her from falling.
She’s suspended like that, on her hands and feet, facing the ceiling.
“You want to cast us out?”
Her pelvis lifts up, torso arching in a painful origami of limbs.
“You want us to leave?”
Lilith crawls away from me, faster than I’ve ever seen. She skitters down the hallway on her hands and feet, her head still
tilted toward me. She’s not looking where she’s going.
Suddenly her hands press themselves against the wall and now she’s scaling them. Defying gravity by crawling across the wall
as if she’s some kind of spider.
Jenn reaches the ceiling, her body crammed into the nook where the wall meets the plafond. She peers down, her body held up
by her hands and feet pressing against the wall.
I run to her, reaching out.
She seethes, hissing at us. Rivulets of spit arc through the air and land at my feet.
“Lilith, stop—”
Lilith leaps from the wall and lands on her two feet. I skid to a halt before we collide into one another. She remains stock-still
in Jenn’s body, chest level, no need to breathe.
“Don’t follow us.”
The door opens, and out she goes, slipping into the main hall outside my apartment. She slams the door behind her, leaving
me where I’m standing.
Well, that didn’t go very well.