Chapter 18
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Beatrice didn’t say a word as they journeyed to Fallenbrook.
She couldn’t even look at him. She felt that if she did, she would burst into tears.
She had forced herself to maintain her stoicism as she sat at the breakfast nook of the inn; she had even forced herself to remain calm when Giovanni had approached her with that sad, lonely look in his eyes.
It’s been like a dream, this time with you. I just want to hold onto it for a moment—just one more moment.
That’s what he had said, holding her hand tenderly and looking at her with a face full of regret. Beatrice had been forced to bury her pain at his words: I just want to hold onto it for a moment. She had bit down hard on her lip and swallowed the furious, despairing retort that lay on her tongue.
I’ve offered you more than a moment! I’ve offered you a lifetime!
Beatrice had to blink back tears just thinking about it.
She did so, keeping her gaze fixed on the passing landscape and the rolling green hills so that Giovanni, seated opposite her, would not see them.
She felt as if a heavy boulder was pressing down upon her chest, restricting her breathing.
She had never thought it was possible to feel so humiliated by someone she cared for so deeply.
She had given herself over to him almost entirely, part of her hoping that the intimacy between them would be enough to persuade him of the validity of their future, and he had cut her down to the quick.
I practically begged him, and he still doesn’t want me.
Beatrice closed her eyes against the crushing torture of it, swallowing hard.
She could still feel a deep tingling in her sex, as if the ghost of his teasing fingers was still there.
She knew they had not engaged in intercourse truly, that she could still gift her maidenhead to her husband in the future, but she didn’t feel like a virgin anymore.
She knew what pleasure was now, she understood the depths of it and how it connected a couple.
She knew that despite Giovanni’s wishes, she was bound to him now, body and soul, and his rejection felt like she was being torn apart.
“Beatrice?” Giovanni’s voice interrupted her reverie as they rolled down into Fallenbrook Valley. Beatrice could see home, and her heart was a little lighter. She could face him, at least for this last moment of their journey.
“Yes?” She took a shaking breath and looked at him.
“Are you all right?” His face was full of concern, his lips drawn into a worried line, his dark brows furrowed.
Beatrice could never look at him the same ever again.
She knew how it felt to have those lips pressed against her breasts.
She knew how those eyebrows felt under her thumbs as she stroked his face.
“No,” she whispered, closing her eyes against tears as the carriage rattled up the drive and into the courtyard of Fallenbrook.
“Bea, please, I never meant to hurt you.” Giovanni’s voice was full of pain, but it only made it worse.
“It would be better if you had,” Beatrice whispered bitterly. “If you felt nothing for me, I could perhaps understand it, but this…this is too cruel, Giovanni.”
“Beatrice, please?—”
“No.”
Beatrice couldn’t stand it anymore. As soon as the carriage pulled up, she opened the door and climbed out, not even waiting for the footman to dismount and open it for her.
“Well, someone is excited to be home!”
She saw Silas and Anna waiting in the vestibule for them and immediately plastered on a happy face.
“It is so good to see you!” She exclaimed. She embraced Anna and Silas quickly, not wanting to linger in their arms in case they might be able to detect Giovanni’s scent on her.
“We expected you last night,” Silas chided gently, but Beatrice saw the worry behind his eyes.
“I tried to explain you must have set off this morning, but you are far too early for that,” Anna said, linking her arm through her husband’s comfortingly. “What happened?”
“We got caught in some bad weather,” Giovanni said behind Beatrice.
“What?” Silas’s eyebrows knitted together sternly.
He looked between Giovanni and Beatrice as if expecting an explanation.
Beatrice could feel Giovanni’s presence over her shoulder but refused to turn around and look at him.
Instead, she looked down at her fingers, fiddling with the ribbon on her cloak.
Let Giovanni explain what had happened. She wasn’t inclined to make it easier for him.
“The road became impassable four hours out of London,” Giovanni explained. “We had to take shelter at an inn for the night.”
“An inn?”
Beatrice looked up at her brother’s sharp tone. She knew he was concerned for her welfare. Beatrice wasn’t in the mood for one of his lectures about her safety. All she wanted was to get inside and go up to the privacy of her bedroom where she could finally, at last, be alone.
“It was fine, Silas, it was reputable and safe, and Giovanni was there with me the whole time,” Beatrice said, unable to stop herself from glancing at Giovanni, and then hating herself for doing so.
She had instantly imagined the bedroom they had stayed in, the bed they had laid in, the secrets they had shared.
She looked quickly away, trying not to blush.
“Still…it hardly seems appropriate,” Silas said, jutting his chin out like he always did when annoyed.
“What would have been more appropriate?” Beatrice demanded, her temper snapping. “That we carried on and turned the carriage in the road?”
“Of course not.” Silas frowned at her.
“He didn’t mean that, my dear,” Anna tried to put a soothing hand on her arm, “he was only concerned for you, a young marriageable lady, traveling alone?—”
“Of course, that’s all he’s concerned about,” Beatrice whipped her arm away. “That’s all anyone is concerned about right now, isn’t it?”
Ignoring the baffled look on the faces of her brother and sister-in-law, Beatrice moved past them and walked quickly into the house.
“Beatrice! Beatrice!”
She heard running steps behind her and then felt a gentle hand catch her elbow.
“Leave me alone, Anna,” Beatrice kept walking, pulling off her cloak and tossing it to a nearby maid as she lifted her skirts to take the stairs.
“What on earth is the matter?” Anna hissed, not unkindly, taking the steps just behind her.
“Nothing at all, I simply had a bad night and wish to lie down,” Beatrice marched along the corridor to her bedroom, hoping that Anna would get the message and leave her alone.
But when she opened her bedroom door, her sister-in-law slipped in behind her, leaning against the closed door as if to keep others out.
“This isn’t nothing.” Anna stared at Beatrice with those piercing, emerald eyes of hers. “This is something. This is about Giovanni, isn’t it?”
For a moment, Beatrice simply stared at her sister-in-law. She let her mouth open and close like a fish, unable to form a single word. She wanted to lie, she wanted to deny it, but she was just simply too tired.
“Oh God,” Beatrice sighed, letting herself sink onto her bed. “I cannot do this anymore.”
“Cannot do what?” Anna carefully locked the door and then moved to sit beside her, tentatively taking one of Beatrice’s hands. “Beatrice, do you and Giovanni…have an understanding?”
“An understanding?” Beatrice let out a bark of harsh laughter. “No. Not unless you can call being violently aware of how unsuitable we are for one another an understanding.”
“What does that mean?” Anna squeezed her hand.
“Nothing.” Beatrice shook her head, fighting back tears. How could she possibly explain how deep, complex, and broken she and Giovanni were?
“Beatrice, tell me,” Anna said softly as she rubbed her thumb in tender circles over the top of Beatrice’s hand.
The gesture was absurdly comforting, and Beatrice couldn’t stop sniffling, little tears slipping down her cheeks.
“You know I shall never mention this conversation to Silas. I swear it. You can be completely honest with me.”
Beatrice looked at Anna in surprise. She had never expected that Anna would offer this kind of confidence. Anna would always listen to and care for her, but Beatrice had never expected Anna to show her such astonishing loyalty.
“Do you mean it?” She whispered.
“I do.” Anna smiled, pressing her warm palm against Beatrice’s cheek, brushing away the tears with her thumb.
“When a lady is coming of age, there are some secrets too intimate to be repeated for the ears of their guardian, especially when that guardian is her brother. Whatever has happened, you can tell me. I shall never speak to him of it.”
“Thank you,” Beatrice took a heavy, shaking breath and blinked. She wasn’t sure how to start. “Giovanni and I…He…we…”
She couldn’t finish the sentence. Instead, her breath was caught up in hiccoughing sobs and Anna hushed her and rubbed her back until they had subsided. It’s all such a mess. Everything I hoped for is ruined.
“Beatrice, do you have…feelings for Giovanni?” Anna asked hesitantly.
“Do I have feelings?” Beatrice laughed, coughing slightly through her tears. “Yes, I do.”
She looked at her sister-in-law, expecting to see some judgment or betrayal in her eyes, but she only saw gentle acceptance.
“I’ve had feelings for him since I met him,” Beatrice confessed, sighing deeply. “A girlish infatuation at first and then more…”
“And Giovanni?” Anna asked quietly. “How does he feel?”
Anna felt her tears falling afresh as she thought of everything he had said.
I would do it, risk everything, for you.
She heard herself say it, feeling that same thrill of excitement and fear in finally declaring herself while half-naked in bed with the man she loved. Then she heard his response.
I won’t.
“He doesn’t feel the same.” Beatrice closed her eyes against the pain of it. “We will never be together. He has made that abundantly clear.”
“He denied you?” Anna frowned. “He said he does not love you?”