Chapter Twenty-Five
Hayden
Hurts Like Hell
Tommee Profitt and Fleurie
Morning light spills across the sheets as I wake. For a few disoriented seconds, all I register is warmth. Then I smile. Vanessa. She came back to my place last night, and now her soft skin is tangled against mine beneath expensive linen.
Her bare leg is draped across my thigh. Copper curls spread wildly across my pillow while snow continues to fall outside the massive windows overlooking the lake. And for the first time in a very long time, peace settles through me so completely it almost feels unfamiliar.
Last night had been perfect. Not just good.
Not just beautiful. It was perfect. The ballet was more intimate than I had expected.
Dinner afterward was delicious. And the way Vanessa looked at me during the second act like I’d handed her back something she thought she’d lost forever is something I’ll treasure.
And later, back here in my apartment… Christ. My hand slides up the curve of her bare waist beneath the sheets, fingertips brushing across warm skin.
Vanessa stirs beside me, a sleepy sound catching in her throat as she burrows closer without fully waking. Possessive satisfaction curls low in my chest in an instant. Mine . The thought comes every day now.
Her eyes blink open a second later, lashes still heavy with sleep when she looks up at me from where her cheek rests against my chest. “Why are you awake?”
I brush loose hair back from her face. “You steal blankets like a bear trying to hibernate for the winter.”
A small smile tugs briefly at her mouth. “Survival instinct.”
“Against what?”
“You.”
A low laugh rumbles out of me before I lean down to kiss her. It’s soft and gentle and unhurried. Nothing like the desperate way we tore into each other after getting home from the ballet last night. This feels quieter and much more dangerous somehow.
Somehow over the last several weeks, Vanessa stopped feeling like something temporary in my life. Now she feels woven into it. Maybe it should terrify me more than it does, but it doesn’t.
“You’re staring again,” she whispers against my mouth.
“You’re still beautiful. I can’t help it.”
Her cheeks blush a light pink even now after all these years. I don’t think she fully understands what she does to me yet. Maybe she never will.
She shifts beneath me, her fingers sliding through my hair before she tugs me back down for another kiss that turns deeper in an instant.
Heat sparks low in my stomach. God. I could spend entire days inside this bed with her and never once get bored. An hour later, we’re tangled in sheets and warmth and the lazy aftermath of sex.
Vanessa lies boneless against my chest. Her fingers move absently along my ribs while I trace slow circles against her bare thigh. Contentment settles heavy and warm through me. This, right here, this feels like the closest thing to complete happiness that I’ve ever known.
“Stay today,” I suggest, pressing a kiss into her hair. “We’ll order food. Watch terrible movies. We won’t leave the bed unless absolutely necessary.”
The request is made without thought. Wanting to be with her is becoming the most natural thing in the world to me. And maybe that’s why what happens next blindsides me so completely, because in an instant everything between us shifts.
Vanessa goes still against me, and worse, she gets quiet. Even her breathing seems to have changed. A strange feeling twists low in my stomach, my pulse quickening. I lift my head to look down into her eyes. “What?”
She doesn’t answer. Instead, she pushes herself upright, gathering the sheet against her chest as she swings her legs over the side of the bed. Cold air rushes across my skin as the warmth of her disappears. Confusion prickles beneath the surface.
“Nessa? What is it?”
Still no answer. She stands and reaches for her dress from the floor. And suddenly something feels very wrong.
“Hey.” I sit up straight now, watching her every move. “Talk to me.”
She exhales an even breath before slipping the dress over her head in one smooth motion. Not angry movements. Controlled ones. Which somehow feels worse. My chest tightens. “Did I say something wrong?”
Vanessa stills for a brief moment and then turns toward me. And Christ, the sadness in her expression hits harder than anger would have.
“No,” she says with a soft shake of her head. “That’s kind of the problem.”
I stare at her, at a complete loss. “I don’t know what that means.”
She hugs both arms around herself before looking away toward the windows. Snow continues falling outside in heavy silence. “I can’t keep doing this.”
The words land like a physical hit, the breath whooshing from my lungs as my entire body locks up in fear. “Doing what?”
Her throat moves with a hard swallow before her eyes lift to meet mine again. “This version of us.”
Confusion crashes into panic somewhere beneath my ribs. I slide out from the sheets to sit on the edge of the bed, my hands gripping onto the edge of the mattress. “Vanessa. I don’t understand.”
“You took me to the ballet last night.” Her voice shakes now despite how calm she’s trying to stay. “You remembered something I told you years ago when we were together. You listened. You paid attention. You made me feel…” She closes her eyes for one second before staring back at me. “Seen.”
I gaze back at her helplessly. Because I did listen. I do pay attention. Every second. I see her.
“Then we saw Mikey and Quinn.”
Everything inside me freezes. Oh shit.
Vanessa laughs once, but there’s no humor in it. “Do you know what my first thought was when we saw them?”
I don’t answer, because all of a sudden, I’m not sure I want to hear what it is.
“I thought, finally .” Her eyes shine painfully now as she stares over at me. “ Finally , I get to be part of another piece of his life.”
Guilt slices through my chest as I rise to walk to her, but she takes two steps away from me. “Vanessa?—”
She holds up a hand to stop me. “And then, you looked at me and said, ‘Not tonight. Tonight is just for me and you.’”
Hearing the words repeated back, something ugly twists low in my stomach. Because now I understand what she’s thinking. The separation. The compartmentalizing. But that wasn’t what I was trying to do, which I try to explain now to her. “That’s not what I meant.”
“I know.” Her voice breaks, her hand rising to cover her mouth as she clears her throat. “God, Hayden, that’s what makes this so hard.”
She loves me. The realization crashes through me with terrifying certainty. Not because she says it. I know because of the way she looks standing there right now like this is killing her. And somehow understanding that terrifies me more than anything else possibly could.
“Let me explain.” I try again, but she shakes her head.
“I love you.” The words leave her mouth in a quick blurt and they hit like a gunshot. I swear my heart stops beating for ten seconds as I watch frozen, her eyes closing for a second as tears gather, despite her obvious effort to hold them back.
“I do,” she whispers on another shaky breath. “I went and fell in love with you.” An even shakier laugh leaves her, and it’s filled with pain. “Again.” And Christ, that alone hurts so fucking much. Knowing that I made her feel like this.
I try reaching for her again before I even know I moved, and again she steps away from me, her hands splayed out in front of her. “I can’t live inside your gilded cage.”
The words stop me cold, a chill slicing through me that leaves my veins feeling like ice. Not because they’re cruel, but because I understand exactly what she means.
Somewhere along the way, I built an entire version of us that only exists behind closed doors. “I’m not trying to cage you.”
“No. You’re trying to protect me.” Tears spill freely down her cheeks now. “You’re trying to love me the only way you know how. In your quiet, private way that you think keeps me safe.”
I reach for her again, but she shakes her head no before I can touch her and somehow that hurts worse than anything else so far.
“I love you too,” I profess in angst. “So much it scares the hell out of me.” My voice cracks, harsher now. “I’m trying, Vanessa. I’m trying to show you how much I’ve changed.”
Her face crumples at that, her shoulders shaking. Because she knows I mean it. “That’s why this is so hard,” she whispers. “You have changed.”
Hope sparks through me for one impossible second, but in the next second, she destroys it. “Just not where it matters. And I refuse to be your secret any longer.”
“Let me fix this.” I drag a hand through my hair as I plead with her. “I can fix this.”
“I need some time. That’s all I need from you right now. Please just give me that.”
Heavy, devastating silence crashes between us before she gives a final shake of her head and walks out of my bedroom, leaving me standing in the middle of the room wondering how I just broke the heart of the woman I love, and what I could do to get her back.