Chapter Fifty-Two
Sleep had evaded me.
It was impossible to find a lull when I was drowning in my own mind.
Every time I tried to close my eyes, I saw Laiken next to me in the tunnel, holding me, me holding her, hearing the vibrato of pain we shared rattling in my ears.
It terrified me.
I’d taken the half-filled bottle of whiskey that Rusty had accidentally left behind after joining me and Harlen on the deck, where we sat in a still, comfortable silence for some time. I’d settled into the lounge, pressing hard against the timber siding.
It’s where I remain now, lying on my back.
It wasn’t the first night I’d spent out here. However, it was the first that I’d lingered on the thought of her, her lyrics, and what she’d shared with me.
I wet my lips, shuffle the hood at my head, covering the sides of my face and pushing deeper into the cushions.
I didn’t know what time it was, but I did know dawn was fast approaching. Fluorescent oranges and pinks are at the heel of twilight, and the thick trees that line the edge of the water cast grim shadows across the inky lake, giving way to the bright light building at its rear.
I had been lying here for what felt like hours staring at the lyrics Laiken had written, stuck on four of her words that made me sick to my core.
Never felt so small, her truth glares back at me and tension cords the muscles in my neck, because it tugs at something frayed inside of me.
As a guy, there were things you never wanted to admit, actions you just couldn’t accept. And being drugged and beaten into oblivion were two of them.
It made you feel weak.
Small.
The realization that I’d lost my mind at the same time my sister lost her life had fucked me up.
One mouthful of a drink rendered me senseless, my sister preyed upon and murdered, and Laiken fighting for her next breath.
For the past three years I’d asked myself the same questions.
If I hadn’t accepted that drink, would any of this have happened?
Would Jade still be here?
Could I have stopped this?
I was dragging myself around on broken bones.
My jaw is clenched so tight I think my teeth might break, my knuckles too. When I drop my chin, I see the skin has split open again, liquid crimson bleeding across stark-white bone. And I didn’t have to look at myself again to see the lines of contrition that had cut into my face.
Shouldn’t have accepted that drink.
Shouldn’t have accepted that ride.
Laiken and I were left in the same broken pieces, blaming ourselves for the decisions we had made and the ones we hadn’t, and I didn’t quite know how to accept that.
I tuck my face into the crook of my elbow, push away the agony leaking from my eyes, snorting back what I can at my nose.
Her truth, the lyrics she gave me yesterday, only compounded mine. And that…fucking scares me.
I lean over, and reach for my almost empty bottle of water. As I lie back down, the glass door beside me slides open.
Laiken walks through the opening wearing my bright red hoodie she’d stolen years ago with a pair of white crew socks that bunch like booties at her ankles.
Her white-blonde hair touches her shoulders, parted down the middle with both sides tucked behind her small pixie ears.
Her green eyes against the red hoodie make them look brighter and bolder than I’ve ever seen them.
However, I don’t miss the red rimming her eyes.
She looks like she’s been crying—or maybe she’s rubbed her eyes too hard.
Her palms are cradling a mug, her thumb pinched to two thin strings hanging down the side.
She hasn’t seen me yet when she pads to the edge of the deck, placing her elbows on the railing and pushing the lip of the mug to her mouth, blowing away the tendrils of steam. She arches her back, sticks her ass out, and takes a sip before clanking the ceramic down, spilling liquid over the edge.
“Fucker!” she berates, pressing her tongue to the back of her hand.
I know she’s talking about the way she just scalded her tongue, but I choose to bounce off it anyway, uncapping my water bottle again.
“Thanks.” And I don’t look at her, extending my neck, pushing back into the pillow behind me as I kill what’s left.
Though, out of the corner of my eye, I see her snap her head in my direction, her right hand instantly wrapping around her left bicep.
When she gets over the initial shock of finding me out here, she rests against the railing, pulling herself onto it.
Laiken takes the mug beside her in her hands, opening her legs, placing it between her bare limbs.
The sleeves of my hoodie hang loosely around her knuckles, though she drags them down further and one dips into the hot liquid.
“I didn’t think you’d be here,” she whispers, taking another sip, though making sure this time she cools it for a touch longer. “I thought you’d be…down there again.”
I pull myself up until I’m sitting, turning to face her, elbows on my knees.
“Not today.” And when she replies with a nod, taking another sip from her mug, I find myself asking her a version of the question Harlen had asked me last night, “Why’d you run, Laik?
” And I know it’s rich, considering I’d watched her leave, then done the exact same thing.
Ran. From the very blood I’d selfishly wrung out of her.
Laiken didn’t have to explain why she’d left me behind, especially after the way I’d bled her dry.
“Why?” I ask again, because some torturous part of me wanted to hear her tell me that I was out of line.
She places the mug down with another clunk, tapping her nail on the side.
She looks toward the house, then back at me.
Her face is blank, unreadable, and yet, I watch something shift through her eyes, something she tries to pass over, even shove down, hide.
Something she grapples with not touching or picking up.
“I think it’s time I head home, Chase. What do you think?”
A rock drops into the pit of my stomach. I press my chin to my chest, raking my hands through my hair.
“So, you are doing it again, hmm?” I pause, catch my breath, and will my heart to still in my chest. “Running?”
And so she should, a quiet voice in the back of my head whispers.
She tugs her bottom lip back into her mouth and a chill curls down my spine. I see that look again. I watch her squint, wet her lips, and tug at something deep beneath.
“Call it what you want, Chase. I need to go home, get back to work, and move on with my life. I can’t hide out here forever just because he’s back.”
“Laik—” I try, but she barrels right over me.
“What kind of life is that? Hiding from your past?”
I clench my teeth, and raise my chin. Placing my thumbnail between my teeth, I chew on it, my eyes tracing the length of her. She doesn’t so much as flinch, and I can tell she likes it, the way I take every inch of her in.
“Not the kind I’d want to live,” I return on a rasp, flicking my eyes to hers.
She licks her lips and a shiver tongues the back of my neck.
“Well, that makes two of us,” she whispers. Laiken works her way off the railing and grabs the mug of tea between her palms. “Can you take me to Nan’s?”
I lean forward again, return my elbows to my knees, and brush my fingers across my mouth.
“Or should I ask Harlen?” she asks.
I let the silence pass, but I don’t take my eyes off hers. “I’ll take you, Laiken.”
Truth is, I didn’t want to, but I knew I had to, because if I knew my sister's best friend the way I thought I did, she would only resent me further if I kept her here.
She’s already making her way across the deck, returning the same way she came.
I palm my face again when I hear her call my name. It’s so quiet. I keep my chin where it is, though I lift my eyes, grabbing hers.
“You know…” she starts, rubbing her bicep like she’s trying to coax the warmth I’d stolen back into her bones. She jerks her chin to my notebook lying open beside me. “I have a feeling ‘Severed Veins’ will be everywhere one day.”
I bite into my bottom lip. “Yeah, and I’d say you’re full of—”
“Truth?” she cuts me off, raising her eyebrows, her eyes flicking to my lips and back again. “You’ll see,” she whispers.
That chills me to the bone.