31. Haze
Haze
H ead high, heart closed off, I march toward the sanctum to face my fate.
I feel nothing because I must. I am good at shutting down.
Six confident strides and I kneel before the three beautiful priestesses standing beside the well of Nihility. They are silent as they consider me. My heart remains at its calm pace, my face impassive. Eyes dead, as usual.
“That was an impressive showing yesterday,” the youngest says first.
“A surprise, if I do say so myself,” the blond one drawls. I don’t recall either of their names. They are meaningless. They only parrot Blythe’s opinions. “We’d begun to lose hope you would finally embrace your destiny.”
“Yes, I’m still rather…confused,” Blythe says, her eyes narrowed like a snake poised to strike. She has always known she gets under my skin. She likes it. “What, exactly, prompted such a change?”
“The girl, obviously,” the blond says.
“You believe that?” Blythe says, stepping forward. Her eyes remain only on me. I let my annoyance show but nothing more. “A little mud rat was so appealing he couldn’t help but develop a stunning magical display to win her?”
“She was selected by the magic. Perhaps there is more there?—"
“The girl means nothing,” I say calmly, feigning boredom with this whole thing.
“Oh?” Her expression slips into something resembling joy.
“It’s been a long time coming.” The best lies are rimmed with truth. I hate Ivar, and I use that emotion to cover my dangerous truth.
“What exactly?” she croons.
“Me and Ivar. He’s pissed me off one too many times, thinking he’s a king out there. He pushes limits, uses unnecessary cruelty, and taunts each of us.”
“Unnecessary cruelty?” Blythe tilts her head. “Do you also think the Ancient One is so cruel?”
“I know better than to think I am wiser than the Ancient. I would be a better leader than Ivar, though. His ego is too big. He needed a good challenge, and there are few able to give it to him.”
“I didn’t think you were able to give it to him. Where has that strength been hiding all these years?”
I clench my fists but then force myself to flex my hand. It’s taken active effort to hide that part of myself.
“Anger is quite the motivator,” I bite out.
“Indeed, it is. But I find it strange,” she taps her manicured finger against her bottom lip, “that that much rage could be suppressed for that long with no other evidence of discontent.”
“I complained of Ivar regularly. I contested him in the field.”
“And you did not challenge him here because…”
I clamp my mouth shut. She knows. I know she knows.
“Because you did not want to lead,” she answers for me.
I take in a long breath. This is it, the path I knew I would have to travel down in order to keep her safe. They cannot know the real truth. Instead, I will give them a catered one.
“I did not.”
“So, the logical conclusion is that, if it was not Ivar, it was not ego, it was not a desire to lead—it was her .”
I carefully control my features.
“One moon ago,” I begin calmly, “I had a reading. Do you recall?”
The other priestesses glance at each other.
“Remind me.” Blythe flicks a brow.
“Justice.”
“Justice,” she tastes the word. “Do tell. How does justice fit into this change in fates?”
“I’ve been toying with the word for weeks, trying to find its meaning.
Trying to understand my true place here in the community.
You know that I do not relish pain, despite the necessity of it.
I do not believe in control for the sake of control.
I do not believe in the abolition of freedom.
We can have our right and our community, without manipulating the other peoples of this continent. ”
“It is ours to take.”
“The Ancient One will make it so.” I bow my head, like a good little cult boy. “And death is required, I understand. But in this way? I wonder. So, I spent a lot of time contemplating how I would balance these two beliefs. How, if I were to choose, would I achieve the blight?”
Her head whips up, eyes alight with a mixture of eager curiosity and suspicion. Now, I have her attention.
“Our community is thriving. Our people are happy, and yet, it remains elusive. I have a theory. I will take my place as captain, and I will lead us to the blight.”
Her eyes shine. Gold with red flecks, the demon inside smiling at me.
Good; it means he believes me.
I am selling my soul to the devil just so they keep their eyes off of Lina.
“You will lead, then? That is what you are telling me?”
“I will lead.”
“You will lead and bring on the blight as prophesied?”
I hold my chin high and lie through my teeth. “Yes.”
“If you are truly ready, then come.” She stands and waves her hand to beckon me toward the glowing pit filled with angry red stones.
My pulse spikes as I take my place on the edge.
My soul sizzles in anticipation, as if mimicking the way my skin will sear in only moments. He is eager.
I can feel the roaring power inside, the one I’ve held back every moment of this existence. Because I know what he is capable of.
Free me, and I’ll help you protect her.
My stomach sinks. He knows. And his word means nothing. There is no real reason to believe he’ll live up to his promise.
I want her alive. She will be very useful in the days to come.
I clench my fists. He doesn’t realize how sickening of a threat that actually is. He does not understand the human heart. He does not know the power.
He hisses in response, feeling my rejection.
I can do this—become their commander while using the magic I despise just enough to remain in control to mitigate the damage.
You are not that strong, he tells me.
“We are the rightful rulers of this land—of all lands. We will claim every inch of soil. Azkel Haze, do you swear to the Ancient, the followers of Nihil, and your own drakai, to claim your power. Do you swear that you will not rest until the blight has surpassed his chains and rules once more?”
My stomach sours.
You will pay if you deny me.
I will pay the price, yes. But she will not.
“Yes,” I bark out with the confidence of a much more powerful man.
I took a life when I was sixteen and let the magic inside. It was an irreversible shift in fates. A choice I’ll forever regret. But it was only one step.
I have successfully balanced on this tightrope in this space between. I’ve feigned weakness as the reason for my failure to thrive.
Now, they will know it was always a lie. I had the power, but I resisted it.
I will not have that opportunity anymore. The power will rise up in me. I will be forced to become the commander they desire.
I may not facilitate their prophecy of horror as I promise, but I cannot hide in the shadows of my mind any longer. Survival now will require much more of me.
My faith in a woman who doesn’t even know me will doom me. Maybe it will doom the whole world. It is a failure, as I fall into the fire to claim the role I swore I would never accept.
Fiery red consumes my vision. My skin melts. My soul disintegrates.
I scream. The human inside roars in pain I’ve long concealed. I’m sorry , I tell him. I tried to protect you from this.
And then, the Nihil inside of me ignites. Black flames covering every inch.
He cannot allow me to die from the flames or he too will be wiped from this world.
Death is not a god, as we are told.
Death is a curse. We are an entire people whose very existence is predicated on the torment of others. We are predators who must kill to survive.
A people seeking to spread their curse so that we never have to face the sad reality of our own illness. We pretend it is a blessing. We pretend this power makes us special.
And if we succeed, the world will be blackened, and all good will be gone.
Can a pure world ever result from such suffering? I do not believe so.
It is a never-ending cycle.
We worship death because it is our only legacy.
We defend our role because we fear what will happen if we resist.
The cult is filled with cowards, and I have no right to complain because I too have immense fear. Except, my fear is not for myself.
The scream that rips from my lips is from a desperate, terrified man, craving hope where there is none.
Free me, it hisses.
I release the pain and rage through my lungs.
You will fail, and you will lose it all.
Not today , I tell it.