50. Haze
Haze
S he is quiet as she accompanies me back to our nest. Unnaturally quiet. Like the moment before death strikes.
I allow her stillness, though it carves through my soul. I deserve this discomfort.
I don’t know what happened in her reading, but it clearly upset her. How will she cope with her new pain?
Perhaps she will lose herself to her inner world as I have done many times before.
It’s how I’ve survived this long.
I find refuge in the dark corners of my mind, where the past lingers. Sweet memories, unmarred by the curses of this world.
It is not the fate I’d hoped for her. Maybe I am even selfish for keeping her alive in such a half-life. Maybe it would be better to allow her the righteous death she would surely find if she continued her current path.
I ache to ask her what happened in her reading. She passed, so they did not see her escape attempts, past or future, but then why did she run immediately after? What spooked her so deeply?
Pain lances its way through my chest at just the thought of her body being torn apart by the very beasts who have been my sole comfort. My nostrils flare beneath the mask that hides my truth.
I am weak.
I am a coward.
I’ve long known this. But here and now, I face it again.
I will keep her. I will sacrifice for her. Because even a half-life is more bearable than none. I am not capable of giving her up.
We enter our nest, and she sits on the furs without a word, curling her arms around her body.
“Tell me,” I say finally. Unable to wait any longer to know if we are doomed. I would gladly die with her. Forget the world. I only want her.
“She…” Her voice is quiet as she begins, but there is no new fear laced with the sound. “She’s in the dungeon. She’s going to die”
Fear strikes like a viper, its sting a surprise even though I should have expected it. Lina looks up at me. The sadness in her eyes causes physical pain to pulse through my chest.
“The seer said I have a long future here, as long as I don’t let my compassion distract me.”
I release a breath. Tension seeps from my limbs like poison. “She did not know of your rebellion?”
She shrugs. “Or she is giving me a second chance to reconsider.”
“They do not give second chances.”
She bites her lip, gaze distant. Something is wrong.
“Is there more?”
She looks up at me, as if I hold her very hope in my hands. It is a precious thing that I do not deserve yet want so badly it hurts.
“I can’t let her die.” Her voice quakes.
My brow furrows. “You would choose death, to save a girl you’ve met once?”
She shakes her head quickly. “Not her.”
I frown, unsure what she means.
I slowly lower myself to sit beside her, stomach twisting. “Who?” I pray she doesn’t mean the girl the coin belongs to. Her friend, who she loves so deeply, is a witch. Only a witch would have owned that coin.
A witch will not be allowed to live long in the den.
“Astella,” she whispers the name with irreverence.
“Is that the girl you protected in the forest?”
She whips her head to look at me, but I keep my gaze steady at the floor.
“Yes.”
“She sacrificed herself to save you,” I say, mostly to tell her that I understand. I hear what she is telling me. She will not give this girl up.
I might even find myself jealous, if I didn’t know the name belonged to a child. The love Lina holds for this girl may be more important to her than life itself, but it is not the same kind of love I have for her. Both can exist. Both can flourish.
My eyes flutter closed. My head spins.
I imagine what I would do if the person I cared for most was in the dungeon.
I would die for Lina, so I cannot be angry to realize she would do the same for her witch friend.
“Why do you protect me?” she asks. I wonder why it matters so much, but in this moment I realize it is a test. My actions and my words have not matched. I tell her I don’t care, and show her how much I do.
She needs to know how much in order to feel secure with me, but I’m uncertain I’m able to show that yet.
“You are mine now,” I tell her. “Mine to protect. I take my duty seriously.” Duty. What complete bullshit. I have never cared for duty. My very life is a rebellion, and I treasure it, as I treasure hers.
“By protect, do you mean control?”
Her words hit me like a blow and I realize how fair of a statement that truly is. If I love her for her wings, why would I clip them?
I stand and begin to pace. If her reason for continuing to hope is a girl now trapped in the dungeon, she will stop at nothing to reach her, death be damned. It means we are doomed.
The only way to survive this?—
“Tell me exactly what the priestess said.” I am careful with my words, as I’m sure the seer was.
Lina’s brow furrows as she considers. She wrings her fingers together. “She said my friend was in the dungeon. She said she would die.”
“She said ‘your friend’?”
She nods. Then she looks up at me, so sad and lost.
Am I delusional to think I can still control this? I can somehow reverse this course and keep her with me? “Did she say a name?” I begin to pace. “Anything specific?”
“No…” she frowns. “She… said I care for her. She said she stole something from them.”
I stop and face her, waiting for her to come to the correct conclusion on her own. I am impatient though, and I cannot help but lead her even closer. “Are you sure,” I say slowly, “that she didn’t mean the girl you stole the roll for?”
Lina blinks up at me, a flicker of a new hope in her eyes.
“But it might have been Astella.”
I pull in a long breath. I cannot take that thought from her mind but maybe…
“Do you trust me?” I ask, and am immediately terrified of the answer.
Her eyes are so large, so beautiful, I could drown in them.
I lift her chin, muscles painfully clenching. This emotion will be the death of me.
I’d gone so long without feeling. Hardly thinking beyond survival.
My love for her could rupture fate. I would let it, even if it meant she’d hate me. I am weak for that.
The longing on her face digs into my soul, and I bear it just for the chance to be near her a moment longer. I sit beside her, uncertain I will be able to control my body soon enough.
“I care for you.” The words feel so small. So stupid. Meaningless. Nothing.
Nothing compared to the magnitude of their truth.
She jerks away from my touch. “Don’t lie to me. I am nothing to you, remember?”
“My biggest lie of all.”
She shakes her head, expression full of confusion and dismay. Maybe that should bother me, but it doesn’t. My disease continues spreading, and I celebrate its victories.
I will succumb to my devotion, and I will rejoice as it destroys me.
“I swear, I will find out for sure if your friend is in the dungeon.”
Lina swallows. “And you’ll tell me? The truth?”
I nod. My stomach sinks, unsure I can live up to that promise.
She stands, takes two steps and then turns to face me. Something wars in her eyes. I want to know her fears, her hopes. Her everything. And yet, I know I cannot be trusted with them.
“You care for me?”
Again, I nod. She returns, and stops right in front of me. She tugs at the mask on my face, lowering it slowly.
“Why do you ignore me, then?” she asks. “Why do you leave me alone each night?”
I flinch. Blood suddenly hot. Boiling.
It cools quickly, though, as I consider our reality. “Would you rather me fuck you? While you are trapped here against your will? While you have no choice? Is that what would convince you of my love?”
She swallows and looks away from me, cheeks red.
“There is no purity in this place. No justice. No rightness. It’s not a possibility.”
“That can’t be true.” Her hand presses against my chest. “There is rightness here. I can feel it.”
She stares at me, searching, begging. She wants to believe in me.
I want so desperately to believe in return.
It’s another symptom of the disease. I am a fool. I am weak.
“I can’t be what you want me to be,” I admit, voice dry. I am so close to losing control. I could have her. Right now, I could take her body in every way I’ve dreamed.
She would let me. I can see it in her expression.
She wants it too.
And fuck, that thought alone is enough to send me over the edge. She leans in, achingly slow.
She stops just shy of her lips touching mine. My skin buzzes, my muscles clench and unclench.
“Escape with me,” she whispers against my lips.
I flinch back, horrified. But just as quickly hope—dangerous, sickening hope—spreads through my chest.
Her hand is on my stomach. I want it under my clothes, on my skin. I can barely think.
“There is a way. You can get us out of here, I know it.”
She slips her thighs over mine, and my head rolls back in agony. I need her like I need air.
“Do you want me?” she asks. Her pleading tone is a dagger to my soul. God, I wish I could live up to what she believes right now.
My head spins.
“You’re the only thing I’ve ever truly desired,” I whisper, the desperate man inside crying out before I restrain him. The darkness that pulls at me is quiet.
Mavros was right; she strengthens my soul against the Nihil, but she weakens my resolve.
She licks her lips. “What if I told you I desired you too?”
She presses her body against mine, and I groan. Without conscious choice, I grip her thighs.
My vision is unfocused. She is tempting me. Did the priestesses put her up to this? Did they offer her something?
No, I know her better than that.
My next thought is even more horrifying: does she know?
“Believe,” she whispers. “Believe in me. In us.”
“It will be our death,” I tell her honestly. She rocks her body against mine, and I lose this battle of wills.
“Then, what a glorious death it would be.”
The next thing I know, her lips are on mine. Her body is pressed against mine.
My God, it’s heaven.
I succumb to her touch, though I know it will be my demise.